When buttons get pushed

[Speak Your Truth]

Can anyone help ? My buttons have been pushed to the point of bringing on severe anxiety. Does anyone think this is curable ? I am desperate to feel relaxed and at peace again and to be able to enjoy my life. I don’t know how to cope

[Speak Your Truth]

... and yes I dont want them to visit IF I can't be real

[Birdy77]

Well, unless they're saying they want to visit you next week, there should be no immediate pressure to reply straight away ... give yourself a few days breathing space, think about your feelings, nut it out a bit, Here if you like, and we can brainstorm some replies.

🌻birdy

[Speak Your Truth]

Oh Birdy what a mess I’m in ! Do you ever think that about your life ?

But firstly ... how are you ? & how has your day been ? Have you been to the beach or out in your garden ?

i do have a garden of sorts, more grass than anything else, & I don’t mow it

The movie, yes it was that one. Loved the oh so cute little sweetheart with attitude with the sunglasses & her big sister is the now 16 year old actress Emilia Jones, she is the daughter of Aled Jones who now sometimes hosts Escape to the Country on tv. He was the famous Welsh boy chorister in the 80s. I thought the movie was sooo good, amazing acting from the children.

So I’ve been doing the thinking, the nutting it out as you said. I think my main feeling/emotion about it is fear. I don’t have memories of so much of my youth & I think it’s because there was a lot of stress, tension & some physical violence in the home. Along with that I learned very early on to be quiet & good & knew that that I didn’t “have a voice.” There was also intense sibling jealousy (not me being jealous) and for me loneliness. I remember my mother saying once that my father never hit her, but if she did she would leave him immediately, but she wasn’t able to do anything about him beating his other daughter when she misbehaved. Around all of that of course were practically non-existent skills in good communication. So I grew up being very insecure, nervous, quiet, voiceless, lonely & at times painfully hurt by rejection, all of which which has haunted me all my life to varying degrees.

i have managed to overcome all those things, again at varying degrees & times, but at other times it all comes rushing back with a vengeance. I have succeeded, done & achieved things that some people have found incredible to them so it’s not all bad. While I’ve made mistakes & bad choices I did the best I could at the time & don’t feel I’ve wasted my whole life.

Now this email. As I said it would be incredibly hard, impossible really, for me to put on that mask. I don’t want to hurt them, they probably are doing the best they can too, but I don’t want to hurt myself either. I don’t want to create a confrontational situation, put them on the spot or put myself in the hot seat so to speak. My cousins is a black & white thinker, just like my father, & that is really hard to contemplate. Perhaps they have absolutely no idea how they come across. Maybe I’m being too sensitive, too negative.

i absolutely just don’t know Birdy. Running out of chars 😘

[Birdy77]

Hi SYT🌞

Wow, what a great post! It sounds like you're started to unravel that knot ... keep going! It's great to hear you getting in there and nutting it out.

I will respond further to the things you said later, but I just wanted to jump in and encourage you to keep on with your thinking on this, and identifying the feelings around this cousin. I understand what you mean about black and white thinking - it can be difficult, and that is probably just the way they are and can't be any other way.

When you say you don't want to great a confrontational situation, put them on the spot and you in the hot seat, what do you mean? What would be putting them on the spot, do you mean being honest with them and not wearing the mask?

I've gotta go for a while, but wanted to cheer you on! And I KNEW it was that movie!! Oh gosh I love it, it's so funny and sad and lovely. The little girl with her brick "Oh that's not Eric, that's Norman!" I've watched it so many times it's gorgeous😄.

🌻birdy

[Speak Your Truth]

Thank you Birdy 🤗 I’m still thinking and working on it.

[Birdy77]

Don't pressure yourself about it too much unless they are wanting to visit next week!

Ww can just brainstorm some email replies if you'd prefer, you can "mine" the feelings later if you feel pressed to respond.

Another movie you might like with excellent child performances is Infinitely Polar Bear have you seen it?

🌻birdy

[Speak Your Truth]

Birdy I have been/am working on a reply, but in the meantime I’m replying to you.

As I’m sure you know Birdy, we live in a very selfish world and so many people don’t want to know, they don’t want to get involved, your problem is your problem not mine, etc and honesty is too hard to take for some people, they’d rather ignore the facts and the realities so whether it’s by email or in person if they visit ...

I’m probably thinking TOO much but here’s my thoughts.

Re a confrontational situation - they could possibly get defensive, ie. “you are not our responsibility” or “we’ve got enough of our own problems”. They did say to me once some years ago that if I was to live in their area it would make it very difficult for them.

Re putting them on the spot - my honesty could put them in a position where they feel obligated, ie. they do come and visit, but unwillingly and it showed, making us all uncomfortable.

Re me in the hot seat - if it didn’t go well I know I would experience intense feelings of rejection to the point of gut and chest pain, perhaps get angry, or maybe cry (I’ve wanted to but been unable to cry for many years so it would be a flood if it came out) and then I would be “voiceless” again. When I’m very upset logical thinking leaves me absolutely numb and incapable of putting meaningful words together to explain myself.

well now I’m feeling like that big baby I told you about before, that I have to talk on a forum like this to work out my thoughts - siiigh !

im going to make a cup of tea. Tomorrow Birdy

[Birdy77]

Hey SYT,

I think a lot of the time, people don't know how to handle other people's problems. When you told them before, About how you've been struggling, what would you have liked their response to be?

For me, when I've told people I'm not faring so well, it's not a lot i need from them, but just that little bit of care or concern, or a short message from them to say "Hey, thinking of you, how are you doing?" ... little things. And when it doesn't happen, it can hurt. But some people are just absolutely no good at this kind of thing unfortunately, as simple as it would be ...

From your points above it sounds to me like you're not really in the right headspace to receive these people as visitors. Unless, that is, you can possibly get to that place where you put your best foot forward, play a part (of sorts), maybe let them know a little of the truth behind it, but it would be a role playing exercise I guess. And it doesn't sound to me like you want to do that.

I have guests coming in a couple of weeks, and although in lots of ways I'm a shambles, I'll be putting my hostess-with-the-mostest outfit on and will have a good time. It's the way I need to go on, otherwise I'd be locking myself away from the world entirely. But I do understand you not perhaps being ready for that.

If they came to visit, would they expect yo stay with you or just come for day socialising?

I am wondering if you had another confidante to discuss your worries, whether you might be able to look to this cousin and partner as just acquaintances that you don't really require any emotional support from? I am feeling as though it is emotional support you crave and is not forthcoming from them, so best to seek it elsewhere?

It must have really hurt your feelings when they said it would make life difficult for them if you lived close by. That's a very hurtful thing for them to have said.

SYT, did you do anything nice for yourself yesterday? What are your plans to take care of you today? I got to the beach yesterday for a beautiful walk, and had a long chat with a bloke and his lovely dog on the beach. I threw a very slobbery ball into the waves about 57 times for the dog to fetch while we talked. It was nice. He told us of a magical gully behind one of the sand dunes so we are going to check it out today, as it was getting late yesterday and nearly sunset.

I hope you had a restful sleep and are feeling a bit better this morning.

🌻birdy

[Speak Your Truth]

Thanks Birdy. I’m still thinking, nutting it out.

Yes I did sleep well last night, although it’s now after 10.30 and I’m still in bed. It’s overcast, raining and cold outside and being cozy in bed is such a nice place to be. In bed awake or sleeping, or sleeping on the sofa are my favourite places to be these days.

🛏 💤 😴 SYT

[Speak Your Truth]

Hi Birdy

I’ve sent that email and I tried to make it sort of neutral. I said ...

“....

I don’t know what your understanding of depression and anxiety is but it’s not pretty, and definitely not like having and getting over a bad cold - if only it was that easy. It’s been a long and hard to beat episode ... . I’m miss my previous doctor ... easy to talk with, genuine understanding, care and support, all things so important to anyone with depression and anxiety, in this case me. My doctor here is so different. That is the short story.

About you visiting. I will not be away in June, and of course you are welcome. I really don’t want to put you off, but I can’t predict how I’ll be feeling in June.”

will see how it goes and let you know

thanks again, SO MUCH, for your support Birdy. I’m exhausted today. Bye for now 😘