What do I do?

[Night]

This is my first post, so excuse me if I make any mistakes.

I hardly know where to start when discussing my sotuation. For just over a year I've been extremely stressed with family issues. I can't cope but I don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I lack trust as it seems every time I trust someone, they lose my trust almost as quickly. From things I've read on beyondblue and the Internet in general, I believe I have social phobia and depression. I helped care for a friend who suffers depression and it's been great to see him recover from the suicidal slump he was in. The only problem is now I've found myself in the same hole he was in. I don't know anyone who wouldn't judge me or react in some negative way if I told them I was suicidal. I tried to tell some friends about my mental state. At the time I was still unsure if I wanted them to know or not, so I double encrypted a message. It was devastating to see how quickly it was shrugged off as 'just some random letters to get attention'. Tonight I took the 'K10' test and scored 39. Last week I had possibly the scariest moment in my life. I was researching different suicide methods when my parents came in. I'm still unsure if they saw or not, but ever since they've been acting strange. I also have two school assignments coming up with very large weightings. Both are speeches- something I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I'm unsure if I want it.

Sorry if I rambled a lot in different directions, but I'm just so confused.

Thanks,

Night

[Night]

Hi Starwolf,

Thank you for highlighting those differences between school and work. It sounds like you have a really interesting job (I'm not really a pet person though). I suppose I want to end up in IT somewhere. This is my only real interest.

I am very confused about last night. I had received NAPLAN results, as well as class selection results for next year. In NAPLAN, I received the highest possible marks for grammar and mathematics, as well as in the top section (the marks they provide are very vague) for almost everything else. For class selection, I received computer science, graphic design and engineering. These were my 3 first choices, though engineering was the 'least worst'.

I was the happiest I had been in a while (not saying much though), but 5 minutes later, I had broken my week long streak of not self harming. I was back where I had started. I couldn't even tell you why- I don't know.

Thanks again so much,

-Night

[Kazzl]

Hi Night - I'm very glad you've got your head on straight about drugs and alcohol mate. I thought as much because you're so mature, but I needed to say it, knowing the potential of pressures on young people. It's very sad about your grandad, but as a now-sober alcoholic I know the only person who can make him stop is him. Alcoholism is a cruel and all-consuming thing. You know, if you think it might help you, you could check out AA's organisation for family members of alcoholics - Al Anon I think they're called.

Well done on getting into computer science and graphic design! That's great! Is that for next year? WHat else will you be studying? I hope you enjoy it mate.

I still think your approach with the bully is right - reasoning and dignity. He might not get it, but no one can control how another person thinks or feels and although you suffer the effects, he is the one with the problem. You can hold you head up knowing you are a much better person than he is.

I understand fear of the unkown, we all go through that. No-one ever really knows what the outcome of an action might be. Even the most confident adult is fearful of consequences. Sometimes we just have to take the risk and trust that an action or a conversation will lead to something better, a positive change. Thing is, if we don't try, we'll never know. Keep thinking about it mate, no-one should have to put up with what you're experiencing and there are good people around who will help you.

I hope your day is OK today Night. I'll be thinking of you.

Kaz

[Starwolf]

Kudos to you for your NAPLAN and class selection results. I hope you feel proud of yourself. I am confident you will apply your intelligence and creativity to whatever you choose to do. Being interested in your work and doing it well is sure to bring a sense of purpose and achievement into your life. It is also a good way to gain self-confidence and respect.

Bullies are insecure people, that's why they feel the need to have control over others. There is a strong possibility that your response does have an impact (even a delayed reaction) but this is kept hidden under a show of scorn. As Kazz pointed out, other people's reactions are out of your hands. The important thing is that YOU can walk away with head held high.

Sometimes it seems we're taking one step forward and 2 backwards. Just like with every thing else, persistence is the key. Gradually, things will even out and later you will take 2 steps forward and 1 backwards etc...A self-harm free week is an achievement to be acknowledged and celebrated. Well done ! Please remember that small victories will accumulate over time into major breakthroughs. Occasional setbacks are inevitable. They don't mean defeat.

Have a good weekend.

[Kazzl]

Hiya Night, just wondering how you are mate. Hope to hear from you.

Kaz

[Night]

Hi Kaz,

Sorry for the delay- my internet has been a bit dodgy this weekend so I have been unable to respond.

With th regards to my grandad, I don't think there's any hope for him quitting alcohol. Sometimes, even when he is so clearly drunk, when my mum questions him about whether he's had anything to drink or not, he flat out denies it. It's hard to tell if he's lying to her, himself or both.

Computer science and graphic design are muted optionals for next school year. My school is weird in the fact that, the fourth term of the calendar year is the first tee of the school year. This is intended to give year twelves an extra term to learn their course's contents before exams. So next term I am starting computer science and graphic design. Since I am only in year ten, maths, science, English, humanities (economics, law, geography, history), sport and biblical studies are still compulsory.

This fear of the unknown is so frustrating some times. No matter what I do, I always evaluate the pros, cons, risks, etc. If something is eve slightly risky, I won't do it. I can't explain it, but I am so paranoid that things will go wrong. For example, even for this forum, I made a new email address that I don't use, just so no one can find the emails on my phone etc. Even in every day life, I find myself not doing things because I am afraid of the consequences.

Thanks again ain for your support,

-Night

[Night]

Hi Starwolf,

As I mentioned in my response to Kaz, I have had dodgy internet connection this weekend, so I am sorry for the delay.

Thanks for your response regarding NAPLAN/ class selection. I find it interesting how scared people get about NAPLAN and other tests. I quite like the challenge to be honest. I find class work really easy, though I know I am lucky to think this. Due to my high marks, I don't have to do the follow up test next year. The follow up is attempted twice a year until the student passes it. School has been an interesting ride for me. While I have always done well, I have varied between enjoying it and not. When I first started getting bullied (year 2 or 3 I think), I stopped liking school. Over time I grew to like it again, though I have been bullied since, even through 3 different schools. In year 7, I really enjoyed school again. Maths, English, science, you name it, I loved it. But this year particularly, my enjoyment for all subjects except maths has completely disappeared. I don't like English because I have a mean teacher. I don't like humanities because I don't like the course. I don't like science (one of my old favourite subjects) because that's one of the classes I have with the bullies, and my teacher is so oblivious. I still really enjoy maths though, so that's a start right? I also think the speech I have mentioned previously is tomorrow, so I am petrified about that.

While I know there is no way to change it, I wish there was a way to see that moment of realisation when the bullies realise how wrong what they have been doing is. It's so frustrating, because there's no way to react to get them to stop that doesn't resort in some form of trouble. Trying to get my point across verbally doesn't work because they don't care. The only other way I can see is violence, but I know that doesn't solve anything. All that would get is a one way trip to the principle's office (something I wouldn't be able to handle). It seems like there's nothing I can do aside from wait another 3 years until I'm finished with school.

Recently I have become friends with some year 11's in my school. We have similar interests (computers etc), and we spend a lot of time playing games together. Only problem is, I won't be able to speak to them for the next 2 weeks because they have exams. I know it may seem minor, but it means I have to go back to the immature, cruel group of people in my year that I am 'friends' with.

Thanks again,

-Night

[Starwolf]

I know what you mean re dodgy internet. I have a satellite connection here, which means I find myself offline whenever the weather is too overcast. Being surrounded by mountains probably doesn't help.

Sorry I've been flat out with work and other stuff. I'll get back to you tomorrow. I just wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow. My thoughts will be with you.

[Night]

I am having to rewrite this post (along with a post from the 6th of September).

Well I suppose this post serves as a 'I'm still here' (sadly)

Just when I thought life couldn't get worse, it did. In my first post here, I mentioned a friend of mine. The single person on this planet I trusted. As soon as I started feeling depressed/ self harming, he knew about it. I mentioned him growing distant after he had recovered and my mental state had stabilised somewhat. Well I finally found out why. I received a message informing me of his suicide. I knew it was a joke. It had to be right? Wrong. None of his accounts have been touched since that message. I knew he was depressed. In my lowest point, I saw he was on a decline again. I hoped he would kill himself. It would make my suicide easier right? Wrong. The guilt is unbearable. While I want to die more, I still can't. Double guessing and seeing the flaws in every suicide method. I did this to him. I did this to his family. I did this to me. I killed the one person I cared for, even if he was never around.

Also, my dad asked me to do something he knows I hate. He knows it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. When I got annoyed and refused he kept harassing me (verbally), insulting me and belittling me. As I grew increasingly frustrated, my mum yelled at me to stop being so childish. If someone tries to annoy me, am I not allowed to get annoyed??

[james1]

Oh Night, that is the worst thing someone could hear. I am really sorry for your friend, for you, and his family and friends.

I don't want to dwell too much because I think trying to rationalise it doesn't get anywhere, but I really want to emphasise that this is not your fault at all. Suicide is something which turns everyone into a victim and you are as much a victim as his family and friends. This is absolutely not your fault at all, nor anybody's fault. It is simply a very very sad situation in which we need time to grieve a lost friend or family member.

I am really worried about you my friend. For this to happen at a time when you're already vulnerable, and to hear about what's happening at home - yes you are completely entitled to be annoyed when your needs are not being met - I just hope you can keep coming to talk to us. It gave me great comfort to see you post again, and I hope you can continue to do so.

Can I ask if you've had a chance to talk to any school counsellors or the BeyondBlue support line?

I'd also like to invite you to join me at the Friends Cafe in the BB Social Zone Board. There's a bunch of us in high school and uni just having a chat and it can help you take your mind off things. Some people post a lot and others only rarely, but it's nice just to say hello and see how people are going. Would you want to come and introduce yourself if you feel comfortable?

James

[Starwolf]

Hey Night, it is good to see you posting again but I wish it would be in different circumstances. I understand your grief. I wish I had something more to offer but I don't. Words become redundant. All I can do is be here for you if you need to talk.

Blaming yourself for your friend's death is an error of judgment. Ultimately, we all have a choice. When this choice is a matter of life and death, you're on your own, outside influence doesn't come into it. If it did, no one would choose to put their loved ones through this, no one.

It sounds like the situation at home remains unchanged. Living with this conflict doesn't help at all. My heart goes out to you as I know all too well how infuriating it can be...when the light at the end of the tunnel is the thought that living under the parents' roof won't last forever. One day, you too will be glad you stuck it out.

James's suggestion to visit the Friends Cafe is a good one. There or elsewhere, I hope you can find friends whose positive outlook can lift you up rather than bring you down.

A long, heartfelt cyber hug will have to do for now, if you will accept it.