What do I do?

[Night]

This is my first post, so excuse me if I make any mistakes.

I hardly know where to start when discussing my sotuation. For just over a year I've been extremely stressed with family issues. I can't cope but I don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I lack trust as it seems every time I trust someone, they lose my trust almost as quickly. From things I've read on beyondblue and the Internet in general, I believe I have social phobia and depression. I helped care for a friend who suffers depression and it's been great to see him recover from the suicidal slump he was in. The only problem is now I've found myself in the same hole he was in. I don't know anyone who wouldn't judge me or react in some negative way if I told them I was suicidal. I tried to tell some friends about my mental state. At the time I was still unsure if I wanted them to know or not, so I double encrypted a message. It was devastating to see how quickly it was shrugged off as 'just some random letters to get attention'. Tonight I took the 'K10' test and scored 39. Last week I had possibly the scariest moment in my life. I was researching different suicide methods when my parents came in. I'm still unsure if they saw or not, but ever since they've been acting strange. I also have two school assignments coming up with very large weightings. Both are speeches- something I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I'm unsure if I want it.

Sorry if I rambled a lot in different directions, but I'm just so confused.

Thanks,

Night

[Night]

Sorry, but this one might be a bit of a rant.

I hate caring. I always seem to care for those who don't deserve it. Those who would back stab me or leave me to die in a heartbeat. The saying goes 'do to others as you'd have others do to you'. No matter how kind I seem to be, I always get alienated. Tonight at the movies, a 'friend' (still lying to myself that these people are my friends) hadn't brought enough money for his ticket. I instantly volunteered to cover the difference. Later, the group split into different sub categories, talking about different things. I wasn't included in any, just left alone, excluded as always. I even tried to start a conversation, just to be instantly shrugged off. I knew this kind of thing would happen. I knew it would be me myself and I, but I still went. It always happen and it always will. People are just so frustrating. Sitting alone in my room all day every day seems more and more desirable. I just don't know what to do.

I got home and my granddad can barely string a sentence together. Who knows how many bottles of red wine he's had today. His friend passed away today, and I guess this is his form of relief, like mine is self harm.

I would hand hand a letter in to a GP like you said, but in a few years time when I'm 16. My parents just aren't understanding enough, and would either try too hard to help or tell me to toughen up. I'm sorry to hear about your past. It sounds like you had a really tough time.

I'm so tired. I just want to go to sleep...

thanks again

[Night]

Hi Lyn,

Thank you for those suggestions. Sadly, we have already been told that we are not allowed any technology (PowerPoint etc) or any props. We do have to have palm cards, but they are being marked and have to be concise etc, so I can't just write my whole speech out. I guess I just have to do lots of research and not get too embarrassed when I forget everything as I walk to the front of the classroom 😞

Thanks again,

Night

[blondguy]

Hello Night

Your thread has really grown and has some great heartfelt support too. I am really sorry to hear about everything you have been going through especially at such a young age.

Sometimes we just cant help all of the people all of the time. Your heart is kind and true Night. Even with what happened at the movies you can go to bed at night and know that you have helped someone (even though you ended up alienated)

Starwolf is spot on Night....you have a huge heart which you cant let go to waste by letting it remain broken.

I am really happy that you have found us here on the forums Night. I find the way you express yourself way beyond your years...You may have a lot on your plate right now but you also have a great deal to offer others too

You have actually achieved a great deal since the 25th by even posting on here. You dont have an issue with expressing yourself Night, and good on you 🙂

Is there a teacher at school you get along with? Starwolf has mentioned writing down your problems. Is there any chance of you doing this with a teacher or the school counselor? (they are usually really kind people Night)

With your speech coming up, and seeing how intelligent and well articulated you are I really dont foresee any problems. I have a strong 'gut' feeling that you will do very well Night 🙂

If we didnt have people like yourself on the BB Forums there would be no forums. I really appreciated your super kind compliment too Night

Be'gentle' to yourself today Night, tomorrow will take care of itself...My kindest thoughts for you. Paul

[Night]

Hi Paul

Thanks for your post.

I have read a lot of different threads on the forums and can see how easy I really have things. I feel pathetic that I feel so bad about such minor things. I don't feel comfortable letting anyone I know that I am suicidal, and this realisation has reaffirmed this. I still want to die, but I could barely tell you why, and if I did it would sound stupid. I don't know what I thought would happen by initially posting on these forums. That I'd magically lose my suicidal thoughts? That I'd suddenly get on with people really well? Without the ability to tell someone that I'm depressed (and about nothing important too), I'm not going to get better, and I guess I accept that. The only things I enjoy in life, I get told are bad for me and are unhealthy etc, even though I could point you to a hundred places with research proving the opposite. It seems like people work so they can make money to live so that they can work more. The experiences and friendships they make along the way make things worthwhile. I don't have friendships, and I don't enjoy anything. That's my problem- a lack of enjoyment, rather than a negative life experience. Being rather mathematical, I'll put it this way. If 10 is a really positive life and -10 is a really awful life, 0 is in between, not good or bad. I'm at a 0. If I could die without harming the people around me, there would be no second thought. Even people who have hurt me don't deserve someone they know to die. I can tell I'm ranting again, so I guess I'll cut it short.

Thanks again,

Night

[Starwolf]

Hello Night and thank you so much for continuing to talk with us.

Your obvious maturity is belying your young age. It had me fooled. I'm very impressed by your courage but still very concerned about you.

I disagree with you...the desire to die, particularly in one so young is no trivial matter. Not having support with this distress is no minor thing either. You are quite right, thoughts of self harm cannot magically disappear without their root cause being attended to.

I understand that seeing a GP without your parents' consent may be out of the question right now. But I suggest you speak with a school counselor, stressing that sharing your concerns with your family is not an option. There again, face to face confrontation is no obligation, a written statement will serve the purpose. This would help find practical solutions to concerns re your studies and offer much needed support. This is what school counselors are for.

If you scroll back up to the top of this page, you will see that there is also the opportunity of "Chat online" (top right). A good way to connect with someone qualified to address your concerns. These concerns are important, because you are important.

My thoughts are with you.

[Starwolf]

A thought just crossed my mind...have you checked the Young People section of the forums ?

A good place to connect with young people (12 to 25) who are experiencing similar difficulties to yours. There are terrific youngsters there who are understanding and very supportive. They will know for sure what you are talking about and how you feel. They would welcome you with open heart.

[Night]

Hi Starwolf.

Thanks for continuing to car for someone who probably doesn't deserve it.

While I say I would talk to a GP when I turn 16 (March 2018), it probably isn't true. I have so little trust for anyone as people constantly break it. The same is true in the case of a school councillor- I don't feel comfortable sharing my feelings with anyone. I guess this forum is different due to its anonymous nature.

It's sad- I feel as if anything I say or do will be used against me (as it has in the past). If I ask someone to stop something, I am weak. If I ask someone why they are doing something I'm stupid. People will do anything to gain an advantage over me. I cannot express emotion without being mad fun of, and when I don't express emotion, I am heartless or stupid etc. People are horrible aren't they (or at least just the ones I've met).

Tonight I had a heated argument with my parents. I hate people taking pictures of me. Due to my past of having people judge me, no matter how I react to something, I see photos as a way of someone capturing a part of me I am unhappy with. I am unhappy with myself because I have been made to feel less than others my entire life. Someone having a photo of me is like giving someone the ability to judge , make fun of, critique, etc me at any time. This also isn't helped with the modern day's simplicity of photo manipulation and sharing. Two years ago, I was accidentally added to a group chat with my friends- people I trusted. They had been sharing pictures of me (without my consent) and had edited them disgustingly with the intent of putting them on my locker for my birthday. One of them even had the caption 'Birthday girl' (not sure if I have previously mentioned this, but I am male). After a few days of being unsure what to do, I told my parents, who then informed the school, shutting down the attack before they could get to my locker. Tonight, I asked my parents to delete a picture of me. I received a huge lecture as to how 'they are memories' and 'the majority of people are happy with it, so why can't you be', along with a 'just grow up'.

I have lost all faith in humanity and don't know what I can do. It is painful that the only place I feel comfortable is hiding behind my computer screen, talking to complete strangers.

Thank you again so much for everything 🙂

[Kazzl]

Hello Night, I've been reading your thread and wanted to say hi to you. You are a most impressive young man. Your insight, deep thinking and your ability to express yourself in writing is extraordinary for your age mate. I'm so sad that you are living in such difficult circumstances at the moment, but may I say I see so much potential in you that I truly believe you have a much better future ahead.

May I ask you to do something? Think ahead a few years to when you are out of school and old enough for uni and/or a career. What would you like to do? Don't factor in how things are now, just imagine what and where you might be. I'd love to know. Often with depression we don't think about a future. But if we make ourselves really think about our talents, our qualities as people and the dreams we barely acknowledge, we can start to see a way through. I hope you'll try Night. I really am impressed by you mate.

Another thing you might consider is checking out Headspace, that's a service just for young people. You can call them if you're able to talk or chat online or see if they have a centre near you. Just google Headspace and you'll find them.

And please keep talking to us. Not only can you help yourself this way but you can also help and connect with others. Do take a look at our young people forum, I think you'll find others who have their own difficult experiences.

Hope to talk again soon

Kaz

[Starwolf]

Hey Night,

Kazz has it nailed...things like depression, anxiety etc...keep us anchored in the past. When this past has been negative, it keeps the mind stuck in negativity. It stops us from seeing the positive side of everything, may it be inside or outside of us.

Obviously, those around you do not get you. This lack of understanding and support makes it more difficult for you. I hope that connecting with other forum members will help you realise that not everybody is out to take advantage of your wonderful sensitivity. Caring, understanding people do exist and not only in the virtual world. All of us are part of the outside world too.

You are going through a rough patch because you are entirely dependent on a family that doesn't get you and a school environment you cannot leave yet. This will change and you will then be freed from imposed circumstances and able to make your own choices.

I once was in your situation. My family was dysfunctional to say the least. I grew up at the mercy of controlling, abusive people and had no one to turn to. My only motivation was to be able to high tail it out of home and school ASAP. I'm glad I did and never looked back. I am nothing special. If I could find a way through this mess, so can you. You are smart, courageous, articulate and much stronger than you think. You do have great potential. It's just that right now, this potential is held in check, unable to fulfill itself. It will not always be the case.

So please hang in there. The world is waiting for people just like you to become available. I have a feeling that you may well end up making a valuable contribution and a positive difference.

[biscotti81]

Hi Night,

I have experienced where you are at the moment. I have suffered from social anxiety at different levels all my life.

Although it may not feel so at the moment, things can and will get better, but you will need to take the first step and reach out to the right people.

As others have suggested, this forum, along with speaking to your G.P and then a qualified therapist will be the first step in helping you overcome your depression.

You are smart and have every potential to overcome and manage this black hole