What do I do?

[Night]

This is my first post, so excuse me if I make any mistakes.

I hardly know where to start when discussing my sotuation. For just over a year I've been extremely stressed with family issues. I can't cope but I don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I lack trust as it seems every time I trust someone, they lose my trust almost as quickly. From things I've read on beyondblue and the Internet in general, I believe I have social phobia and depression. I helped care for a friend who suffers depression and it's been great to see him recover from the suicidal slump he was in. The only problem is now I've found myself in the same hole he was in. I don't know anyone who wouldn't judge me or react in some negative way if I told them I was suicidal. I tried to tell some friends about my mental state. At the time I was still unsure if I wanted them to know or not, so I double encrypted a message. It was devastating to see how quickly it was shrugged off as 'just some random letters to get attention'. Tonight I took the 'K10' test and scored 39. Last week I had possibly the scariest moment in my life. I was researching different suicide methods when my parents came in. I'm still unsure if they saw or not, but ever since they've been acting strange. I also have two school assignments coming up with very large weightings. Both are speeches- something I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I'm unsure if I want it.

Sorry if I rambled a lot in different directions, but I'm just so confused.

Thanks,

Night

[james1]

Hey Night,

I haven't poked my head in here yet but I've been following your thread. The others have given you some really great advice which I also want to be able to follow.

I don't feel like I have any more useful advice to provide, but here's a little bit about me and hopefully you can feel less alone in this long struggle.

My mini autobiography:

- I'm a 24 year old male

- I have a sister who I care about (even if she is/was the overachieving favourite).

- I did well at school (even if it doesn't matter so much to me)

- I care for other people's feelings (even if it hurts me)

- I'm trying to connect with people (even if it's hard to find people)

- I'm trying to connect with family (even if they're not receptive)

- I'm posting here today (even if I'm not convinced I'll get better)

A lot of these things I've read in your own posts and, forgive me if I'm putting words in your mouth, I think are some similarities we share.

Notice as well that I've put caveats on each one. Those are the thoughts of my little demons and devils. They're the thoughts that bring me down.

So what would my little autobiography look like without the bracketed sections?

It looks like you without the cloud around your mind (and just aged a little bit :p)

Importantly, it looks like someone I'd want to be friends with.

My point is:

I see the positives in your posts. Starwolf, Paul, Lyn and Kazzl also see the positives in you.

But I won't tell you to get up and feel better just because we can see you're an amazing young man. The truth is you'll feel bad for a while. And that's okay.

Just hang in there. I hope you don't mind if I hop in this hole with you. No need to sit in different holes. We may as well try to climb out with each other's help. I'll give you a boost, and you can pull me up later.

James

[Night]

Hi all,

I am so overwhelmed by all the support you have given me. I wish I'd met people like all of you earlier in my life. It's amazing the difference this short period of posting has made. Rather than self harming daily because I thought things were awful, now I'm just posting them here. I hope I can keep this up 🙂

I still don't understand why people (or at least the ones I've met at school etc) act the ways they do. It seems almost every day I am wondering this. Today when someone was doing everything he could do annoy and harass me (at it was working), I asked him why he was (and has been) doing so. He simply laughed at me. I asked what he had to gain from my loss. Perhaps my over-analytical mind can't see the answer as they do, but honestly, how can you not only function, but thrive off someone else's suffering? Is there an obvious answer I am missing?

I have been considering asking a teacher I trust to either read or pass on a letter to the school counsellor, but I can't bring myself to do it. Whether it be my parents being informed, 'friends' at school finding out, or just speculating as to why I am either seeing a counsellor/ being taken out of class, I can't bring myself to do it. While not a trait I like, I hold others' opinions of myself higher than my own.

Something completely off topic that I thought I'd bring up is my family's desire to purchase a pet. My dad band sister want a cat and my mum would like a dog. I don't want a pet for one main reason. I do not want to go out of my way to form an emotional attachment to something that is going to die. I know this may sound stupid, but it's true. Am I being unreasonable here?? Whilst it may bring happiness, I believe that the death of a pet would far out way this.

You have all provided some amazing advice, and thank you. I will be responding to each of your messages individually so that I can be more specific in my responses (this 2500 character limit is annoying, but I suppose it's a necessary evil)

[Night]

Hi Kaz,

Thank you for your advice.

Until you mentioned it, I hadn't really thought about the future. I am so unsure as to what I want to do with my life in the long run. I don't really enjoy anything, aside from computers. Perhaps a job in programming or graphic design (the latter may be a bit hard seeing as I am partially colour blind :P) I have already started some graphic designing and have really enjoyed it. I have even made a small amount of money off it. The thing I love most though is gaming. There is a lot of misconceptions about gaming that I figured I'd clear up. The first is that gamers are anti-social. I completely disagree with this statement. I find myself more social online than I am in real life. Not having to talk to people face to face is amazing and something I wish were more common in the world. The second is that games are 'mind numbing' Again I disagree. The intense strategies and teamwork required in competitive play are phenomenal. To do well, you always have to be outsmarting your oponent, predicting what they might do next. The last point I will cover is perhaps the most important. 'You can't get a job out of gaming' While this is, for the majority, true, it is not always the case. As far as playing games is concerned, playing professionally is the best way to make a living. As we speak, there is a video game tournament going on with a $20 million prize pool, shared among the top 16 teams in the world. If we are talking dream jobs, this would be mine. As far as practicality goes, perhaps something in game design or coding. I am not very creative though, so this may be an issue.

Enough with my rant on gaming- thank you again. I will have a look at headspace and see if that would be a good resource for me.

Thanks,

-Night

[Night]

Thank you again Starwolf.

While I see what you are saying with regards to getting stuck in the past with negativity, I find it hard to see hope when I have not had much positivity in my life. I suppose I look back and see a past I hate, with seemingly no way to change it for the future.

I hope I've just been incredibly unlucky with the people I have met in the real world, and people like you are just around the corner.

You mentioned being freed from being being forced to go to school and live with my family. But what really changes? Rather than school all day, it's work. Everything in life seems to be about work. We go to school so we can get a job so we can pay bills so we can live. I know I've mentioned this before, but what is the point? Why bother with a meaningless task to elongate our lives, when cutting them short seems so much easier?

I'm sorry, but right now I don't see a point in living.

Thanks again for all your help 🙂

-Night

[Night]

Hi Biscotti,

Thanks for your reassuring words. As someone who suffered from social anxiety, how did you find reaching out to people about your situation? I am finding it very hard to talk to people about it as I don't know how they would react. Any suggestions?

Thanks again,

Night

[Night]

Hi James,

Thank you for your kind reassurance. Like you mentioned, aside from the age difference (and some other minor details), the aspects you mentioned seem very similar between the two of us. The only other person I've found similarities with left when I needed him most. You've shown up when I needed someone most, so thank you.

I still don't see many things as positive, but now I'm no longer looking for some alone 🙂

[Kazzl]

Hi Night, thank you so much for your response mate. Again, my young friend, I must say your intelligence and analytical thinking just shine for me. You are amazing and I'm so glad to have met you.

I'm also glad you've started to look ahead. And I'm not going to criticise your love of gaming - quite the opposite. A young man I know did a tertiary course in game design when he left school. It involved both the technical programming and creative aspects. While he hasn't made a career of it specifically, he has gone into programming and IT generally as a career and formed a good social life with others who enjoy creative use of technical skills (making robots and such I think). So, I reckon for you, think laterally about your skills and how you might use them in the future.

And well done you for questioning that bully! He might just laugh it off now, but it will stay with him. You have sown a seed. He will remember that when he's older and probably feel ashamed. Your gentle challenge and appeal to reason is an excellent response, I hope you can keep doing that.

Keep thinking about confiding in a teacher you trust. If you can bring yourself to do it I think it would be a good move. But only you know the people and what they're like.

Do have a look at headspace, and let us know your thoughts. And hey, will you think about something else for me? A lot of young people (and older people!) turn to booze or drugs to self-medicate or to 'fit in'. Don't do it. I did mate and now I've been sober a long time I can tell you honestly it doesn't work and it is not worth it. The temptation will be there as you get older, but please think about all the good things about yourself (and there are many, I can see them!) and don't destroy them. Hope you don't mind me saying all that, but, well, I'm old and care about young people not making the mistakes that so many of us have made.

Hope you keep talking to us Night, I'm enjoying your company.

Kaz

[Starwolf]

Hi Night,

I'm so glad to see so many good people reaching out in support...

The big difference between going to school and going to work is that you can choose an area of work that appeals to you. There is something fulfilling and rewarding about working at something you believe in. Going to school is the best way to find a job that is meaningful to you. I am a dog trainer, specialised in rehab for traumatised rescue dogs and also advanced stuff like security, assistance and tracking. I often blend both areas together and find K9 rejects a job that is meaningful to them. Being able to make a difference and see talents and natural inclinations fulfilled helps give meaning and fulfillment to my own life.

This is what I meant by being able to make choices. In my school days, I had no idea I was going to end up where I am now. Finding your own slot can take time, trying different things...and a fair bit of soul searching.

When our emotional world is in chaos, judgment becomes clouded and we easily lose track of Life's meaning. Everything seems pointless. With help, support and persistence, those clouds can be parted to reveal a clear sky. And endless possibilities.

[blondguy]

Hi Night

I seem to have a lot of social anxiety too. I find it difficult to socialise and seem scared of it as well. I may have to work on that some more...for me that is...Its a pain

If I can ask you Night....if you had to make a list....what are the thoughts (worries) that concern you the most?

My kindest thoughts for you Night (sorry about the question....just trying to help) 🙂

Paul

[Night]

Hi Kaz,

Thanks for your reassurance in my passion for IT. Yesterday we received results for our subject selection, and I got into computer science and graphic design 🙂

It seems as though nothing I ever say or do gets through to some people. The person I questioned always think that anything he does to me is ok and however I react is a joke. I just don't know how to approach it. As I have mentioned previously, if I ask him to stop, I'm hilarious; I get angry, I'm unnecessarily violent and again, funny; I tell someone (rare), I'm pathetic. It seems as though he just doesn't feel empathy or emotion.

I still don't want to tell anyone because I don't know what would happen. I suppose it's a fear of the unknown.

I also thought I'd reassure you that drugs/ alcohol are last on my list of solutions for my current predicaments. Aside from the obvious illegal aspect, I've seen first hand what alcohol does to people. My grandad who I have mentioned previously is an alcoholic. When something isn't going his way, he drinks. He drinks like there's no tomorrow. I don't want to be loud and obnoxious, muttering and barely able to string a sentence together. After seeing him, even when I turn 18 I don't think I'll drink. It just seems like a waste.

Thanks again 🙂