This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[wail]

Greetings again, on the Asdff subject : Trying to do 'the right thing' and you end up stuffing something up because you over do it. That is how I got into this mess, I over burdened my emotional system trying to help him. I have been unable to speak much, I just don't want to care for the careless. My husband is being nicer than usual and it is creepy. After a phone call he came to complain to me about something and I just lowered my head and said 'You'll just have to wait and see', he was awfulizing and I just don't care. My new mission is to stop being motherly to everyone- and I want to get me some selfishness!

[asdff]

Oh Wail. Yes, you need to put yourself first. It’s bizarre how I know how to help others but I can’t help myself. My pysch says I am mean to myself. Lisa, I do have such high expectations for myself. I want to do all these things but I feel I have achieved none of them. Well I did achieve things in my 20’s. I feel like a broken battered car that no one wants. I get up everyday and keep going is that not enough? When we feel so broken. I was reading about Lisa Curry and her tribute to her daughter and grief. That is who I feel everyday. Everything I do is to distract myself from feeling depressed. From feeling broken. I will never be okay. I am always a shell of a person and I hate it. I have a pysch appointment tomorrow.

[quirkywords]

wail, lisa, Aries, Velvet upand down and all those reading,

Wail, I know that feeling of feeling annoyed I have let myself be so hurt that I say things I dont mean and then know I am acting as unsupportive as my partner. he has no label and is perfect.

asdff, do you always feel so broken . I feel so much sadness and tiredness in your posts . I know when my children were younger I tried so hard but there was always some room for improvement. I night when everyone was asleep I went outside and cried whil looking at the moon and wonderful stars.

You are doing a great job as you are so caring and hardworking and you are giving your children a great start in life as you are there for them. I think your role should be valued much more.

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — a metaphor for embracing your flaws and imperfections.

“You won’t realize your full potential until you go through the tough times,”

I dont think you need to be broken to appreciate ones true value, rather we may feel broken but somehow we keep going.

Sending you a hug.

I think there is a lot of emphasis on recovery in mental health but there is also just the daily activities of keeping on keeping on .

[velvetfaerie]

We all put others needs first because we know what's its like to constantly be last to others.

[quirkywords]

Velvet that is so true.

[velvetfaerie]

I've been shopping online for a cool notebook for work. Many of my favourites have statements on their covers that may get me in trouble.

Many others are spot on and relevant.

Hehe

[wail]

gentle now a tender breeze blows, whispers through Gran Torino,

whistling another tired song, engines humm and bitter dreams grow,

heart locked in a Gran Torino....

Asdff if you are an old car choose a sexy muscle car with the potential for outstanding value. Velvet your not just a pretty face are you because you seem to know science and social science, that is like right and left brain proficiency. What you posted about people, putting others needs first because we know what it is like to always be last to others. That statement has challenged my thinking. And now I know that, I create the conditions that allow others to disrespect me and by giving to much of myself I become less. Thanks guys this is golden

[quirkywords]

Velvet that statement you posted reminded me of this one from Robin Williams

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that.

For me I used try to please other people and not upset them as I knew what it was like to be unappreciated, to be very hurt, to feel as no one cared about my feelings.

I think it is why people with mental health issues tend to have so much empathy.

[wail]

Except for my husband....I'm a bit crabby today, I have done a lot but I'm still a bit testy. Robin Williams' demise disappointed me, when people do that it leaves bad ripples for those remaining. Quirky was he bipolar?

[quirkywords]

Wail, I know some articles say he had but he also was in pain from other illnesses like lewy body dementia. I think with famous people we don’t really know what they feel and are suffering. They may have one face for the public and another for private.