This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[asdff]

To top off a terrible day teen dropped phone and smashed screen. Lucky Dad can replace it but I said if it happens again you are replacing it. It turns out I’m the bad one for saying that. Um no, you break it, you replace it.

[asdff]

Irritable and angry; two words to describe my day. I avoided the gym, like I said before. I cleaned and broke something. Husband was on the phone for hours. I coped well enough to get out and see husband’s family. Teen child kept on and on, about what I call trivial problems. Days like this I would usually avoid people. Avoid doing too much. Do you have these days when everything is too much? You give your family warning signs. Tell them in conversations, enough. You tell them you are being pushed too far. They don’t listen and then you lose your sh* and yell. I am always yelling. I have patience, more than some other parents. I have tried asking nicely 5/6 times, I give them warning signs and warning words “I’ve had enough” and they don’t listen. Then who ends up angry and hurt? Me. I don’t know how to cope with this? There are too many other peoples emotions at play. It’s like a tipping point. I’m at the tipping point. I’m sure the safeness shall follow.

[asdff]

Sadness and crying.

[quirkywords]

Velvet I just feel I live in a bubble where I am the only one who makes mistakes . I know it isnt true but it takes its toll.

asdff

i am sorry you are sad and crying. I had a cry today and I feel a bit better"

[velvetfaerie]

Don't worry Quirky... I'm also always wrong. I also have a partner who has admitted playing psychological games on me in my own home.

Guess we all had the tears and blah yesterday.....

Has anyone partners bothered to research about our afflictions in order to understand and be supportive? Mine hasn't.

[quirkywords]

velvet, my partner said he didnt need to read about it as he knew everything from living with me!!

It was a lovely sunny day here yesterday but very windy and was not a good day. Hope today is better for everyone.

[asdff]

Do you guys overdo things? Like scrub so hard with cleaning product you take the coating off something or over iron something because “it should be ironed” and you burn a hole or ruin the fabric? I’m not sure if I am explaining it correctly. You are trying to do “the right thing” and you end up stuffing something up because you over do it. I’m feeling like a pile of dog poo that someone stepped in.

[Lisa611]

Asdff I think you're being too hard on yourself. Sometimes doing things just good enough is ok. It's ok to stuff up sometimes. We're not perfect. We all try to do the right thing but there are times when we get it wrong. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. Hugs

[quirkywords]

asdff,

You are not something someone has stepped in, . I worry yo do way too much as you have high expectations.

I like lisa think you are too hard on yourself. Does your husband and children realise how hard you work to keep the household going.

[wail]

Greeting good bipolar life people, Asdff I lost my composure late Sunday night. My bipolar husband had been niggling me for most of last week. I had been ignoring his aggressive negative ways hoping that things would simply pass, yet unconsciously I was becoming unwell and wound up.

My husband is the type of person who gives bipolar disorder a bad name. He never misses an opportunity to land a barb on someone. We are opposites and usually it works but he was feeling so bad that when he saw me weakening he made his nasty move, and I folded.

I said some things that I have since apologized for but all I am really sorry for is for losing my composure and allowing him to lower me to his playing field. Because he is a large man he is confident to get right in my face and say really antagonistic things, my only regret is giving him this opportunity.

Yesterday I was low and so ashamed of myself. I know better than to let him trigger me. I know any time I speak up about how I am being effected by him, he will only hear what I say about him and he will only react defensively and argumentative. The shame of making the same old mistake is the worst hurt of all because I know better, I know what the outcome will be and still I failed.

This morning I enjoyed reading all the posts and I really feel good to see how you are all managing your disorder. Quirky and Velvet helping others, Lisa encouraging others and Asdff working her butt off to navigated family life. Thankyou all for making this forum possible.