This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[wail]

Greetings and yes to Quirky, odd would be a compliment for me, I try to understand the types who construct the social fabric that places me in the odd order. And it is hard, so far all I got is that, they have deep insecurities which they project on to people who are different. Do anyone think this is possible or am I just super odd? Cheers

[quirkywords]

Wail

I suppose I like your insight into the people who label yes but as a child I felt I was from another world and was wanting to go home,!

Now I like being different and funny .

[wail]

Were caught in a trap, I can't walk out, because I live you to much ,baby...

Greeting it is nice that Quirky you are at ease with yourself, I find you to be smart and kind.

We had relationship counselling last night, once a month we go. My husband takes a note book in which he has noted all his annoyances. Thankfully the course follows a structure so after my husband airs our dirty laundry, we progress. He needs to purge and he doesn't hold back, apparently his list of grudges is necessary. I just don't get it and I just won't do it, I would prefer to resolve troubles myself and not record them. I forgive and I forget for my own benefit.

Something was said last night by the counsellor that confused me to the max. 'Is it possible we marry someone who resembles the parent that we had unresolved issues with?' really? seriously? are you for real?

So even after getting confuse I slept really well, maybe my husbands purging does work, Nah I still find the process negative but it is nice to know his thoughts as it is nice to know YOUR thoughts! Cheers M.

[asdff]

Wail my first long term boyfriend physically looked like my Dad. I had major issues with my Dad so I get what the counsellor is saying. I also used to date men that I thought my Dad would be impressed by, as in their career.

[wail]

Asdff good to know the counselor is taking sense, my emotions are raw today and it is harder to cap negative feelings. I feel worried as I can get forgetful and dizzy. I went to the coles then to kmart, then I couldn't find my car and I took my mask off, then I found the car but I remembered I had to get rolls at the baker and I entered the shops without my mask on. As the 10th person brow beat me, I realised Oh I am without mask! My low days are filled with sorrow and I felt- why are people so unkind, and what's it like for those with mask exemptions? If I peak today then I will cry and usually then I feel better. M

[quirkywords]

wail

Your question

'Is it possible we marry someone who resembles the parent that we had unresolved issues with?'

My answer for me is No.

My three partners so far have been unsuitable to various degrees because i overlook others flaws as I have so many and used to deep down didnt think I deserved to be treated very well. I know cue violins get out the tidssues and self pity but I was brought up in a time when one was ashamed of ones mental illness and every marriage counselling session became about bi polar not the relationship, so I just accepted the blame.

Wail I can see why you want to resolves issues but you are incredibly patient to sit there while unloads his grudges some of which my involve you. I could not handle that .

[wail]

I seem to have lost a post.. it explained that I have raw emotions today and I have been forgetful, I lost the car and twice forgot to wear a mask, it was only people brow beating me that made me realize that I was mask less. Lows make me feel sorrow, like why are people so unkind? I get dizzy which scares me and today I am so open to cruelty. If I peak today then I usually will cry and a good cry is therapeutic, for me.

Asdff and Quirky my judgement is still out on the sublimating parent for partner thing, I didn't really know my parents that well. Quirky I apologize for ever cueing the violin it is a thing my husband says and wrongly I unconsciously used it. There is no shame at all in revealing the added difficulties, that you faced in an unenlightened era. They were wrong and you deserved better!

Asdff and Quirky how was you Bipolar diagnosed so early?

Quirky about my husbands book of grudges, they sound like complaints and I do take on board any important issues but mainly it is petty stuff and I'm confident enough to let them slide. Helping him vent is the first stage of him learning that it is ok to give feedback and that criticism from someone you love, needs to be listened too.

It will take some time before he will be ready to hear my feedback... he can be dropped into depression so easily if I were to misspeak, so I am ok to wait until he has a better understanding of the relationship principles.

Regards to you both so nice to post on this my low day.

[quirkywords]

Wail

I was diagnosed at 16 because my moods were so extreme from what I used to be. Went from a goodywshoes student who never missed a day at school to a student who never went to school becauseI I was either too depressed to go or I knew everything so why bother.!

Being diagnosed so early meant I was denial till my 30s .

I didn’t know you used that expression it is one that my family used if someone was telling a sad story.

Thank you for your post that help me see things from a different view.

[Airies]

Wail , I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. It’s easy to give ourselves a hard time at the best of times let alone these turbulent days in which we live in. I too am forgetful, if I don’t have a list I am lost and even then I can forget things.

I weighed myself today, despite doing hours of excercise daily , logging my food I’ve gained weight. I felt sick, defeated rewarded myself with a nod of shapes and thought stuff it. why bother.

Im not young anymore, once I ran long distances daily, trained for marathons, I’m at a loss. Hopefully once the weather improves., I can do more or resign myself to the fact I destined to remain this weight or close to.

Wail my diagnosis was late and before that ADHD. I hope your day improves. Your profile pic reminds me of the wattles I see on my daily work along with the canola fields which seem to have sprung up overnight

[wail]

Aries, thank you, your admissions humble me and it is terrific to have your masculine energy on this thread.

you are right that summer is a better time to shed kilo's. My husband hibernates through winter then sheds weight swimming and kayaking in the warmer weather. I am sure the better weather will motivate you also.

Your part of Australia sounds beautiful. Cheers M