This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Find_hope]

Thank you for replying to my post. It's good to hear you have a marriage of 35 years. Gives me some hope for my Son. I suffer from anxiety and have had depression years ago. I know things annoy me more than i see it from my friends. Supermarkets are my least favourite place. I have medication to help me. But I work hard as well to keep myself in check. In and out of hospitals for you would have been terrible. Like my Son has been their 4 times. Each time he felt demoralised. And said it was very traumatic for him. I wish you all just have a happy peaceful life

[quirkywords]

Find hope ,

so much has happened in the over 45 years since I was diagnosed. Just the way you have hopes for your son is so different from what my parents were told to expect. They were told not to expect much from me

You sound so proud of your son whereas my mother was ashamed and my father never spoke about it.

I hope that shame and stigma has gone. I was the problem in the family and if I was ever physcially sick it was ignored with oh you know she is just having a mood. I was once depressed but also had pneuomonia a very bad type, but my parents ignored me until I hadnt moved for a couple of days . Even then the local dr said I was just depressed. Luckily at the hospital they could see I was sick and need urgent help.

Find hope you can see what a wonderful person your son is and he is still that wonderful son. Bipolar will be part of his life but he is much more. Hopefully he will learn to live a life he wants. We are a good bunch and the people here are so kind and supportive . I think having bipolar makes you have more empathy and more compassion.

I wish you all the best too. You are always welcome here.

[Find_hope]

quirkywords.

I'm sorry your parents weren't very supportive. Maybe they didn't know what to do. I know I'm never sure what the right things is to say or do. They would love you for sure. Parents always love their children. I will always be there for my son. I find it hard seeing him so sick. I just spoke to him. He said feels just yuk. Feels he can't talk from his heart. Words are just so hard to express. He feels dull and tired and depressed. I'm thinking of you too.

[asdff]

Velvet your post describing us bipolar folk had me laughing. Definitely opinionated. Sometimes too opinionated. Ha ha. As in, I need to put a sock in it. My mouth.

I made it through the 11th Christmas gathering. Boy oh boy. Is pretending to be okay tiring?

Finding Hope, I get the deep depression part. I have bipolar type 2, I get hypomanic. Rushing from idea or idea. Having a project, then jumping onto a new project. I talk rapidly and that coincides with rapid changes in thought patterns. Then hang out of the blue, I will get the deep depression. The kind where you don’t brush your teeth, hair, take a shower. I cry all the time. Through seeing my psychologist, keeping things low key, low stress, taking meds and my life is very routined. I live an okay life.

[asdff]

Finding Hope fitness and health to the extreme. I am nodding along to that, I am sure when Airies and Velvet read they will agree. Us bipolar people don’t do things by halves. It’s all in and until you can’t breathe, walk or stand the weight you are lifting. Not always for me but I am a fitness nut.

[velvetfaerie]

Agreed.
Missed my double gym this am sadly.
Thanks to drama here.

Going to go for walk soon instead though.

I think in type 2 as well. Deep painful depression (presently)... hypo racing thoughts and stuff and the crankies.
My default emotion is anger.
I wish I knew why.

[asdff]

Velvet I am so angry at the moment. Selfish son, was sitting next to me in the study swinging on a chair. Complaining and being a general pain in the butt because he wanted his Dad to be building a Christmas gift with him. I can ignore it for a bit but after twenty minutes of it. I lose my sh$t. It feels like someone is clutching my heart. I ask nicely a few times, then no one listens and said why are you yelling? Grrr I wish I could be doing what u want to do but everyone disrupts me.

[asdff]

Velvet, I am not sure what your work schedule is. If you are on holidays. I know a part of me is struggling because my routines have changed. The children are on school holidays, it takes at least two weeks for me to adjust to having them at home. It’s not nice people being in my pocket. Around me, when I want space.

[quirkywords]

I think I used suppress my anger so that made it worse so by the time the anger escaped it was way over the top and directed at the wrong person.
asdff, velvet , Aries and find hope thanks for your post and honesty.

Find hope my parents were living at a time before beyond blue and the awareness and information there is today. It was hard on them having this strange child who could not get out of bed or was ready to do anything and all before 7am.

Things have changed and it is so hard for a caring parent like you to watch your child feel in a bad way. Is he angry when manic?

[velvetfaerie]

Oh yes asdff. I understand the when you blow, you blow. I gave this kid here ample opportunity to pull her horns in. 4 days. No. I went ape. She is now mistreating her father and he isn't impressed. Your heart goes right off doesn't it? Like it is smashing it's way through your sternum? We all can only take x amount of rubbish!

I am in holidays and I don't feel with constant routine changes either. I have learnt to generally take things as they come but I still need a basic grounding routine in something.

I get it. :)

V.