This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Tams20]

Loula,

When I’m stable it’s easy for me to forget that I have this condition. It can catch me out because there’s a point where ‘normal’ starts to trend upwards and instead of thinking, ‘whoa, I’d better be very careful here’, I think, ‘hey isn’t this great, I’m coping so well, I’m back to normal, I can do anything and I need to do everything at once’. Inevitably this all falls apart and I fall down. Depression hits hard. Like it has now. And that’s when I start contemplating whether I am worth it and whether life is worth it. Thankfully I have kids that rely on me being here, so my contemplation is just that - thoughts, not actions.

Tams

[velvetfaerie]

Exactly. I burn myself out when I feel good etc. I think I am there now. It has been a slide last couple of weeks.

The doing everything, anything, all at once NOW NOW NOW.... flop. Crash. Burn.

I actually really want a few days away, alone, with a book, chocolate in some sort of natures sanctuary.

V.

[Loula]

Hi guys thank you for your reply’s.

No I haven’t told my husband or doctors as I don’t want them to worry and I don’t think they will understand and it’s something I’m not ready to talk about. It’s just like so weird. When I’m depressed obviously the black thoughts come in hard as I’m assuming a lot of us have delt with before unfortunately.

But I’m feeling really healthy and smart and at a good place and this happens every time I’m at a good place a little thing goes of in my mind going leave on a happy note as you know it’s going to change. Leave when you are making an adult decision. Which is just not really an adult normal decision but my brain is whispering it to me and in a way it makes sense.

Yes very over rude customers but don’t worry I stood my ground. I’m blunt and mean as anything if need be. I actually refused to serve her. Ain’t nobody got time for that!!

Im feeling really judged today. Last night I started getting a migraine. Boo. Took a painkiller. Today hello it hates me took some more. And nope ain’t working. So called in sick and hiding in the dark. Went to see a bill bill doctor today for certificate and to see if he can give me anything. Was a doctors with my jumper over my head as it was to bright and to many kids screaming. Finally got in and he read bipolar so he gave me a tablet to prevent a migraine coming on! I asked for a pain killer and nope. Like what the hell!!! I’m in pain vomiting and just because I got bipolar must mean I’m in there to get some good pills as I’m untrustworthy. So angry and still in pain. But my cat is laying on me so she loves me.

Thanks for all the kind words. I don’t see myself as strong. I just see myself well I don’t know how I see myself.

[quirkywords]

Hello all

Tams yesI can relate to doing too much because I never know when I have done too much until I have already done too much!! Confused!!

Sorry you are don.

V. A nature sanctuary with a chocolate and a book sounds like heaven.

Loula,thanks for your post.

I dont like feeling judged either. Many years ago Iwas very sick but parents thought I was depressed and just left me. The local doctors agreed I was depressed. They took me to hospital where a doctor said I had the worst case of pneumonia he has ever seen. Once you have alableof bipokar apparently you can't have a physical illness.

I am glad you are feel healthy.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

I had the chocolate. I am reading about fish pathology. So maybe I am halfway there HAHAHA.

Being judged is the worst. I am judged here a lot by our managers and the director, who likes to live with his head in the sand regarding mental health. In fact he truly behaves like a narcissistic psychopath. An old colleague came in and gave him some cheek yesterday. Made me giggle.

Loula - take no S#*% from nasty people! Hope you are feeling better today.

Quirky - Yeh because bi polar is the untapped cure for all physical illnesses. Idiots. Pneumonia sucks. I have had two moderate cases of it in my life.

V.

[Loula]

It really sucks we are seen in a different light. I don’t nor have ever done an illegal drug or abused them in my life. But now I got bipolar I must be lying. That is so bad about pneumonia. I’ve had it to and to think a doctor thought it was depression what an idiot! Angry!!!!

Arr you judged at your work Velvetfaerie? I hate people who have no clue on mental health. Or even worse think they know everything but know nothing or still worse don’t believe in it!

Dont worry I can turn into a cold hearted cow very quickly and people need to run for cover lol!!!! I don’t put up with bad behaviour. I was brought up treat people how you like to be treated. And if they treat me like poop that’s how they must love to be treated.

Really thinking of canceling all my doctor appointments and going off my medication. I know I’m sick but I’m just getting tiered of fighting. I just am starting to think my time on earth is done. Go out on a bang.

[velvetfaerie]

Yes I am but no one knows my diagnosis. They are all making assumptions. I also get judged for not being a mum.

Funny, just today, we had a general meeting and one item on the agenda was making staff cover hours up to 4.30pm. It isn't necessary. There ARE staff here up until after 4,30pm, it is just that they are managers and cannot be bothered helping people who work here. I voiced that I have concerns, because all of us here who aren't parents will be expected to change our lives to accommodate those who are. I am happy to meet half way and always will be. I asked what exactly do i owe people who are parents? Nothing. I shoudl not be expected to forgo my life outside of work to accommodate my colleagues' life choices. Just because I am not a parent does not mean my life less valuable/important.

I am really upset and cranky about this to be honest. It is discrimination and for personal reasons, I do not like self righteous parents. Throwing things in my face REALLY lights my wick

V.

[velvetfaerie]

Sorry. That probably should not have been thrown out there.

**cranky bi polar**

[Loula]

I’m wishjng everyone would not like me. I wish my husband would leave me. I just want nothing. I can’t handle stuff.

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

I haven't told anyone at work about my BP, I don't intend to either. Hopefully I will be able to keep it to myself. I figure I've managed to sustain a reasonably successful career untreated for 20 years so I should be able to keep my mask on. Fingers crossed!

Velvet - I have kids but I still agree with what you are saying - we are all entitled to have that time to ourselves for however we want to spend it. Everyone should be pulling their weight and agreeing on the split of the extra work.

Loula - how are you feeling today? Hope you are still persevering with your treatment, you were doing so well.

Tams