This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

everyone

chocolate as therapy is only helpful if it is guilt free!

Enjoy the cake, enjoy the chocolate, please no guilt, we have enough of that already.

Loula, that makes sense to me. I only do things to help protect me not to hurt others, I will never do that.

One day off after 6 days straight- is that possible? How many days do you normally work?

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all doing OK? Cold morning here but sunny and looks like it will be a nice day. Pity I’m stuck in the office 😔

Velvet I can relate to this:

I think manipulation can very much be a tool of survival. Weed out people by seeing how they respond to certain stimuli. Who is safe. Who is full of BS. Who is open and honest.

That is exactly why I do it. If I suspect somebody’s motives I test them a bit. Then I know where I stand and can treat them accordingly. It’s never to hurt them, but to protect me. Of course it’s not always conclusive, sometimes I’m still left wondering...

Tams

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Tams I think we us any strategy at times to protect us and sometimes I know I am not aware I am until someone points it out.

In my younger years I did a lot of self sabotage as I felt things would be messed up anayway so I may as well wreck them early and save the suspense. I really did not know at the time I was doing that only with hindsight.

Not sure that makes sense.

Velvet you said people like to blame everything but themselves. Well for me, I often blame myself, always take the blame and feel guilty even if it is not my fault.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

That is exactly why I do it. If I suspect somebody’s motives I test them a bit. Then I know where I stand and can treat them accordingly. It’s never to hurt them, but to protect me. Of course it’s not always conclusive, sometimes I’m still left wondering...

Exactly Tams.... exactly.... it takes a bit of effort to do these things, but sometimes it is worth it for protection. I had two good mates that I 100% contacted all the time and made plans. I decided to stop. That was two years ago. Not heard from them since and the sad part, one is, (was?), family.

I have a couple of other friends I have let drift as well, as i only hear from them when they need something. I cannot be bothered investing in one way relationships/friendships anymore. Be sincere or rack off.

I guess Quirky, in my experience, the people who blame all and sundry and not see their own mistakes are narcissistic folk. They think they are better than everyone else and entitled to behave terribly.

I have self sabotaged romantic relationships. I have been very very hurt in the past, and instead of waiting for it to happen again, i would sabotage and get out. Yes the majority of my partners we BAD choices. Hopefully this one is better. He can be a bit daft at times, but I think he is ok.

V.

[Loula]

Can I cry and cry and cry? Had the most abusive customer, I feel so sad. I just can’t today.

[Loula]

Dose anyone else when they are mutual. Not manic or in a depression start really thinking about there life and if they are worth it and if life is worth it? Like I’m feeling stable at the moment and everything is good and people around me are happy and I’m just like should I end it like this? I don’t want to go through another cycle. I don’t want to go out during a cycle. I rather go out with a clear head. Or am I talking crazy? I’m just not sure if life will ever get any better then this and really think my loved ones would be better off with good memories of me and also with out me. Is that normal?

[quirkywords]

Loula.

I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything will be ok. I do believe that. I have been where you are and you are so worth the effort.

Has something happened today that has made you think like this.

You are not crazy I think you are very tired. You have been through a lot at work and trying to get your medication right and so now you feel you are thinking correctly. I know that feeling but the reality is you are getting there and things are gradually changing.

Please tell your husband and your doctor how you are feeling . I am glad you reached out here and have told us how you are feeling.

I know you have been through a lot and have been working very hard and have not given up.

It is hard trying to get the medication right but you have helped so many people on this thread by being so honest and so strong. People read your posts and you give them hope.

After over 40 years of living with a diagnosis of bipolar, I have learnt never to give up and always have hope.

Thinking of you. You are not alone

Quirky

Post here as much as you like.

[Tams20]

Loula,

I agree with everything Quirky has said about you - you help us all so much with your posts!

You’re an inspiration to me, you are so strong in the face of your illness, please don’t give up hope.

Tam

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Velvet,

I had an ex that had that sense of entitlement which made him very critical of everyone else but he had no insight into his own drinking and reckless behaviour.

Tams,

I feel on this thread we all help and care for each other which makes it such a caring place.

Loula,

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I am sad that customer upset you. That annoys me when that happens but I think it is their problem not mine that they need to be so rude.

You are a hard and competent worker trying so hard even when not well.

You asked are your thoughts normal- I read somewhere that normal is only a setting on a washing machine !

Over the months you have been posting on this forum I can see how you are getting more confidence and more determination. Of course you have had setbacks but you are resilient and keep going. I agree with Tams you are inspiration to us all.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

Sending out a quick hugs thing to all.

V.