This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

I find relationships difficult. It just with my partner but with friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances etc etc. I think I do OK for the most part but it can be emotionally draining. Like I’m having to pretend to be someone else, acting in a way that I think I should act. It rarely comes naturally for me. I can be a bit of a tricky character too, I’ve been known to be manipulative at times. Not something I’m proud of.

Quirky I hope your sales have picked up? The weather hasn’t been great here and a lot of people are away, I can imagine it might be tough. Are there some days where you just think ‘it’s going to be quiet today, I might not open up the shop’? Must be tempting....

Hope everyone else is doing well. Loula you must be close to finishing your 6 days of work??

Tams

[Airies]

Hi folks,

I find relationships hard. I'm in my own little world for a lot of the time. It's been 3 years since my breakdown and I've withdrawn from friends, family. It's a matter f survival and I guess I've been a loner. Yet I used to be the life of the party. A scream when I was pissed. These days I don't socialise at all. My psych wants me to extend myself and socialise more. I don't think that will happen. Too taxing. I'm hard work 😞

cheers

[Loula]

I’m very lucky I find my relationship with my husband really good except when I’m sick then the monster takes over. I don’t know how he puts up with me though.

I like you Tams find friends and work mates hard work. I feel as though I have to act a certain way to fit in with them. Like I’m normal and it’s hard. I can be very manipulative as my father is that why but I try my hardest not to.

Yes just finished my 6 days straight. Very happy to make it.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

If you are in a state that has a long weekend and you don't have to do paid or unpaid work I hope you enjoy the day.

Tams, Yes relationships pose challenges. I have also for peace and quiet agreed with some one when I wanted to disagree. Sometimes that made me feel like a door mat. People say be yourself(I even have a thread about this) but then they don't like it when you are yourself and they want you to change.

I live on top of my shop so if it is quiet I can stay upstairs and do domestic things and come into shop when I have customers. Or I spend the time when it is quiet doing the never ending job of sorting out my bookshelves and shelves of toys etc that customers like to mess up!

Aries, I can relate to your words. I have had partners say "you are not much fun anymore" and I suppose I am not. I am turning into a hermit and after work each day the thought of going out tires me. As I am someone who can be talkative people assume I am extroverted but nowadays I like staying home and find socialising at times very taxing .

Loula,

Congratulations on working six days straight and being able to tell the tale.

Do you get some days off now to recuperate ?

You and Tams mentioned being manipulative and some people have said that about me too.

I wonder is being manipulative how others see us or is it a survival tool at times.?

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

My energy levels lately haven't been up for my partying side. Saturday night i tried but it ended up being ruined by partly myself and partly my BF phoning me while I was out to have a go at me over something I said. I just asked when he anticipates living together. Nothing else.

I left my gym social event early due to sheer exhaustion and being upset thanks to the little phone tiff. I am so embarrassed.

I think manipulation can very much be a tool of survival. Weed out people by seeing how they respond to certain stimuli. Who is safe. Who is full of BS. Who is open and honest.

My fun has deteriorated over the years too. I just find people/relationships too much hard work. Perhaps that is a me issue. **shrug**. Seems to ebb and flow with my energy levels though.

I don't like it when I ask a clean cut question and get stupid childish unrealistic replies. It is manipulation 101!!!

V.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

That is so sad that you can not ask one question to BF, without him having a go at you.

I have had that too, I can ask a simple question or a simple comment, and I get anger or am accused of upsetting people, as a reply.

The worst thing someone said, is I guess that just part of your condition!

What condition being able to ask a question, condition??

The ebb and flow, sometimes I ebb more than I flow.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

BF is copping grief from all sides. Seems I am the punching bag at times. I told him not to be so immature to the person who is his morale support network. The person who knows all the stuff he can't talk to other about.

BLEH !

People like to blame EVERYTHING but themselves. Or their OWN perspective.

Asking questions is a good thing. Shows that one is not jumping to conclusions.

I need chocolate.

V.

[Loula]

Velvetfaerie I am sending you chocolate via the computer lol! I don’t think we are getting less fun we just don’t have time for stupidity. Also things that excited us when we where young if we tried to relive we would be thinking what the hell. I hope your energy levels come back. It’s a yucky feeling.

I only had 1 day off Qurikywords. Back to work tomorrow. I saw my psychologist today who was so proud of me and said she’s seen a massive change in me every week which has made me feel good. I’m also feeling less like an open wound. I’m handiling things better.

When it comes to manipulating I believe every person on the earth knows how to do it and dose it. I just think we are so in tuned with our self we can use it better for our advantage in a good but bad way. Like I know me personally If I plan something I run over every way that day can turn out but because I’ve planned it so well and thought of every outcome I know I can manipulate it to what I want if need be and do it swiftly and I think people get shocked on how easy it is. But the thing well for me it’s never used to harm others or be mean it’s to protect myself. I’m putting me first. Dose that make any sense?

[velvetfaerie]

Mmmmmm chocolate. The magical chocolate cake fairy god delivered at work today unexpectedly!!!

Putting yourself first is always healthy. Something I need to learn.

Off to the gym now. Cake guilt 😆

[Airies]

Mmmmm chocolate . Polished off a block last night along with a pack of biscuits. Day 11 of continuos excercise as in not missing a day. It's a promise I've made to myself. It's that all or nothing thing...... No moderate at all. Velvet I put myself first always nowadays. Purely selfish but it works for me. Hope you had a good gym workout.

Cheers