This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Tams20]

Hi Loula,

How did you go with your psychiatrist visit today?

I hope your new meds settle down for you and you start feeling like yourself again. I’m still a novice, but when I started my antipsychotic it made me feel totally out of it. It was as if it took all of the noise out of my head and I hated it. Felt slow and numb. Straight away I was thinking I’d have to give it up because there was no way I was going to be slowed down like that. But it settled down and now it’s working well. I’m hoping that the same happens for you!

Keep persevering, sounds like it’s a case of trial-and-error but you’re getting the right help and you’ll work it out. Thinking of you.

Tams

[Tams20]

Hi Loula,

You must have gotten your post in just before mine.

Please don’t feel that you need to keep quiet, as far as I’m concerned you can say what you like in this thread. Sometimes I won’t respond for a bit because I don’t know what to say that would be helpful, but I’m still listening...

Tams

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Loula, you are not draining anyone at all, please post as often as you like.

We are here for you and you are here for us.

We understand and can help each other.

So let us know how you are going and feeling. This is the one place you can be yourself so no need to be quiet.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Issi]

Hi Loula

Think about it this way, you have tried the help line and it didn’t work so that’s 1 thing you can cross off your list of choices. It’s a matter of trial and error with doctors, medication, therapy, work part or full time or not to work. Yes it does take a while to sort it all out, but never think you are posting to much. It’s good to get it out of your system and this is a safe non judgemental place to do it.

If you are able try to treat yourself to something you enjoy. Whether it be a drive to the beach, a trip to the zoo, walking around the gardens, seeing a funny movie or going walking around the shops. I’m not sure of your location but hopefully you are able to do something nice for yourself.

Issi

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Issi, I see it as a long journey without a destination. I have been on this journey for over 40 years and still find myself negotiating , balancing and choosing. I am always learning.

Loula, you have taught me a lot about determination and the willingness to be flexible.

Big wave to everyone.

Quirky

[Issi]

Good Evening to everyone

Quirky, isn’t there a movie about a never ending journey or story? That could be true for people with Bipolar or not, or studying to obtain a difficult degree.

Like yourself I have had depression/Bipolar for 24years approximately, I know you have had it longer. I’m trying to be open and honest with people when they ask why I’m not got to a dinner or not, or if I go why I leave after the main course and my husband stays. The majority of people understand while a couple stay away, but that’s their loss.

While at the moment I’m being positive etc, I also know tomorrow I may be in a heap on the floor.

Issi

[quirkywords]

Hello to everyone,

Issi I think being honest helps demystify and destigmatise bipolar, that is why I have given talks and try to be as honest.

Years ago when my children were all at school people would ask why I did not work full time, mid you I was studying part time, managing a house and 3 children . I said for heat reasons I did not ork full time.

I say it is a journey as I know when people are first diagnosed and they wait till they get things stable and they feel better and the hope it ill last for ever. Alas there will be ups and downs and even though I have been relatively stable for a long time I am always vigilant and worry what may happen tomorrow, like you wrote.

People say just relax, but I can not and they don't understand even if I try to explain.

I wish this forum had been around when I was younger.

I also realise that many people read this thread and never post.

Quirky

[Issi]

Good Morning Everybody

Quirky, I was only joking about the journey for some reason, I had song in my head.

Looking forward to a slower day, the weekend was busy with kids sport, nephews birthday, catching up with an old friend (known each other for 35 years).

How are things with you Loula?

Issi

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

I just like the idea of the journey analogy rather than recovery as people sometimes think once they are well they will be like that forever and for some that maybe true. For many it is a long journey with ups and downs.

Issi, I often get song lyrics in my head and then can't get rid of them!!

Do other people do that too? I have song I sing when I feel a bit flat but I have to sing it to myself or when I am alone or others complain.

Loula, how are you going. We woud like to hear from you when you feel up to posting.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

I hope Loula is still reading.

Quirky - "relax" they say. Yeh I wish i knew how to as well.

I go from being social, life of the party to being very down and depressed and you can dot these moods with times of seething destructive rage. Some times i just need to be holed up at home alone for a few days. Other times I just need to be out and about doing all that i can.

Does my head in need alone those around me I am sure.

V.