This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Velvet,

Just relax - the two words that can put fear in me and make me the exact opposite of relaxed.

I think the point is that over time we know what we need and have to ignore well meaning experts who have no expertise.

Quirky

[Issi]

Totally agree, sometimes the last thing you want to hear or do is relax.

Plus people have strategies to cope, some may run while others may bake (lucky, I’m hopeless everything burns), whatever your strategies try not stress about the relax comments.

Loula if you are reading this please let us how you are going?

Issi

[Loula]

Relax. Omg thank you I never thought of that before! I’m going to do that from now on and it’s going to take away all my problems, fears and even bipolar. You can obviously tell I hate it when people tell me to do that. You can not tell some one on edge to relax. It just doesn’t work.

The new medication I’m hating. It’s making me slow. I can feel it on my brain. These types of tablets I’ve tried before and they don’t work good for me but I’m that ill I must take it. But I won’t have to be on them for long and then hopefully will be back on my regular medication.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he’s very happy with me and my progress. I can go back to work this week. I’m very nervous due to it’s a high pressure time and scared I’m going to get sick but my doctor is very confident I will do good. All I can do is breath. But I’m really scared but excited to be doing something. I take pride in my work.

My close friends and family understand why I just randomly don’t turn up to an events or leave half way through and are great with it. I actually had to cancel something massive this weekend as I knew I’m to open to be around people. Some still don’t and will never understand my illness but they respect me. I did lose a lot of friends and have had fights with certain family members but that’s there loss. i can’t have negative in my life.

Do any of you guys find like when your not well people and certain environments suck the life out of you? I’m finding that at the moment.

[velvetfaerie]

I want to do everything and nothing after work today.

The conflicting dichotomy annoys me.

V.

[quirkywords]

Hello all,

Thanks for your post. You deserve an award for how determined you are with your medication and it sounds like it may be sorted soon.

I am glad you have close friends who understand you.

Hopefully being back at work will be a good thing. I hope you are more excited than scared but can understand why.

I usually love garage sales and fetes and op shops, but when not well they overwhelm me and people say but you love shopping!! Yes I do when I am ok but it drains me when I am not.

Velvet, I know how that feels, I have days like that and it is hard to explain to people who have not had that feeling.

Quirky

[Loula]

I’m about to crawl into the bathroom and shake while pulling my hair out!

The medication is making me slow! My boss says I’m fast but I’m use to being super fast. I feel like everyone is mad at me for having time off. Other people are like oohhh you had a week off and I’m like it wasn’t fun. None know what’s wrong expect 4.

My boss is being supportive. Thankfully.

This is so hard. Harder then I thought.

[Airies]

Velvet,

you hit the nail on the head. I want to do everything and nothing after work today. Daily I struggle with a all or nothing attitude. It's been the same my whole life. I can't do moderate. It's a never ending battle. I need to get back to some theraphy and the basics. Mindfullness and all the other stuff I've learnt but of late not practising. A work in progress is me

cheers

[Tams20]

Velvet & Airies,

Yes I can also relate. I have this feeling that I need to be in constant contact with people, am often in a frenzy of messaging people and organising social events and catchups, then when it’s all done I feel overwhelmed by how much effort it will take from me so I start looking to cancel things or postpone to a later date... then I get annoyed with myself that I’m not doing anything, so I start all over again. I’ve been trying to stop myself from doing this and spend more ‘quiet’ time with my family instead but it’s so hard.

Loula it sounds like you’re doing really well - keep pushing on, we’re all behind you!

Tams

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Loula,

What does your doctor say about the side effects of the medication, it sounds unpleasant.

I am glad your boss is supportive and you have other people at work who understand.

When my mum had dementia and I would go away to the big city for a week or two, people would say did you nejoy your holiday. I would sometimes explain or just smile and nod.

It is hard but hopefully it will become easier. Thanks for letting us know what is happening.

You keep on persevering despite obstacles and that is encouraging . We are here supporting you.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Airies,

I can relate to your post. My mum used to say I was all or nothing no happy medium.

I think we are all a work in progress, or at least I am. Did you find mindfulness helpful? I still struggle with it.

Tams,

I have done the same thing. Evening me has so many plans and wants to contact people arrange things,makes plans etc then morning person me starts to get worried about how to cope and gets mad at evening me!!

I usually go ahead with my plans because cancelling things would upset me more and once I go to things I am ok, just afterwards I start analysing.

Tams, have you ever tried something in between, say meeting with one or two friends you have not seen for a while rather than a whole group. I know when I try to do it all at once it is overwhelming, but one person at a time can work. Just a suggestion you probably have tried. It is a dilemma wanting to do everything but feeling empty with nothing.

Wouldn't it be easier if life was more simple.

Velvet thanks so much for your post. we can all relate to what you said. Hope you are ok.

Quirky