This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Forgot to mention: 

Creativity with fashion/colour/style is very artistic. 

Self expression with tattoos is also creative/artistic. 

Anything where you express your vibe, without conforming to expectations of others, it is absolutely creative. 

Cruddy sleep last couple of days. So vague.

[Airies]

Just been ft my son in the US.They have aisles in the Supermarkets that not only contain sports drinks also drinks that contain a herb for medicinal purposes. Go figure. I wouldn’t be game to try after a rather bad experience once upon a time 

[velvetfaerie]

Tea? You mean tea right?

Like iced tea? 

Hahaaha

[Airies]

Noo

Im sick of the fog that this medication regime leaves me in. Struggling to get out of first gear. Make decisions then flip. Discussion to be had with my psychiatrist. Changes will mean an hospital admission by my request. I’m ok otherwise been up for weeks , singing ,eating, decision changes, it goes on. Sometimes comments by me which I think are funny are so so cutting.

I have a lot to be grateful for.I really have.

[Steve007]

I’m loving everyone’s experiences, thoughts and input. Tis amazing how we are all so different yet similar. No singular presentation carries more or less weight than any other’s. This is a nice place to be.

Besides my other ‘accountant’ thread, I have a TPD Insurance Claim underway. Yes, yes, I’ve heard all the nightmare stories and the like, not the point of my post (which I will get to shortly). During this process, I took the initiative to request and pay the $600 to obtain my own copy of every single Hospital Record since 2020 when my real nightmare began. Importantly, these records are sooooo comprehensive and detailed it is unbelievable. Down to 2 hourly clinical observations (including whilst in bed overnight), all meds taken, all pathology, all vitals each day (BP/ AWS/ Temperature), ‘GP Advice’, daily 10min shrink consultations, day program facilitator notes x 2 per day… the list is endless. On the one hand, this is good. All warm fuzzy ‘they care for me’ blah blah. Which was completely 💯 my stance prior to receiving my records in full. Some 20 Inpatient (voluntary) admissions. Each are min 100 long. Older records (2021) are scanned by hand - impressive someone would actually do that. The more recent are PC generated (an issue within itself - Ai and the like). Anywho…The conclusion (and my point of the post)? I am absolutely disgusted, disappointed, upset and every other emotion one could express at what all this revealed. All the vitals/OB’s and Nurse 2hr notes are fine. No problem. BUT, the Psychiatrist notes are full of complete untruths, never discussed, factually incorrect and followed by assertions that have honestly floored me. Even some GP cover-up’s regarding mis-diagnosis and mis-treatment allowing a simple infection to become a life threatening condition months later.

Now, I understand the obvious you are all thinking… ‘this dude is crazy dude’ sentiment. I get that. But going beyond and to the more simple. All these ‘psychiatric notes’ are in no way, confidential. The ‘caring persona’ these people present, just to draw information from me is so incredibly dis-heartening I don’t know where to turn now. Utter betrayal and if it were not for their qualifications, it is psychopathic style manipulation to gain trust and answers they wish to record. Yes, that is a serious allegation. I stand by it too.

A suggestion of maintaining silence is valid, with a wink and nod I say something….. Until on file, plain as day now, a psychiatrist notes and I quote  “…. He pleads the ‘Fifth Amendment’ when asked about xyz. (Likely does based on history).” Apparently ‘based on history’ now becomes fact on my file, despite all other things suggesting otherwise. Unbelievable. Try that as a Prosecutor in a Trail. Dis-barred instantly.

Anyway, rant ended. Good to write ✍️ Hope this affords me some much needed sleep.

End of the day, where can I turn in the need of intervention again. The worst option is the people I have exposed. Suppose “Better the Devil you know”. That doesn’t sit with me. Genuinely concerned about my future.

[velvetfaerie]

Does the psychiatrist have a conflict of interest? 

As a person who is surrounded by the highly educated academics daily, many are absolutely pathological. The ones who are not have come from low socio economic backgrounds. 

Knowledge is power and when it comes to dirt on people, they use it. This is why I ask about conflicts of interest.

In a world where you can be censored, self censorship is absolutely fair and reasonable, aka pleading the 5th. 

That reminds me, I need to reach out to my work contacts in MURICA to sort a virtual meeting to say gudday. 

They are ridiculously polite and kind, likely due to their particular state. 

Gonna be a hot hot hot day here today. Not impressed at all!!! 

[Airies]

Autumn has arrived and it’s windy. Today we’ve the race cars and all the bling going round in circles. Imagine if all that money went into mental health. Just one race. I had a great psychiatrist. She saved my life and I was on her books for 10 years. Devastated when I found out she was retiring and that was by chance. I didn’t think to ask for my files.

it was so so hard to get another psychiatrist. I went in as an inpatient in a private clinic. Allocated a psychiatrist and pleaded with her for help after my discharge. It was only after I stated my I only needed to see her twice a year.So lucky , she is another wonderful human being and so understanding.

[velvetfaerie]

Random thought here from the train.

Make it two thoughts. Our bus system has become a circus. 3 buses no show. None.

Power walked to train. This has blown out my journey by an extra hour. 

Second thought. The teenagers now are narcissistic selfish so and so's with zero manners and consideration for anyone.

They won't move for the elderly or disabled at all. I am so glad I never had kids. I would be appalled if any kid of mine behaved like that!!!

[velvetfaerie]

The bus driver after the train was having none of their nonsense!!! It was amusing to watch.

Yesterday trying to get home i had 2 buses not show up. This am while trying to get to work bus no show.

OK so drive. Get fuel. Fuel is hard to find, (ignore the price). You cannot find it.

I did eventually. This is because numpties hoarded/panicked. I hope the fuel goes off before they get to use it. Selfish near sighted drongos.

[Steve007]

Eerie timing. After being on the 'top floor, bugger all sleep for days, self neglect rather throw everything in my power thought super hyper focus, classic mega ADHD behaviour in my 5mins 'breaks' all to 'break the code' with brute force thinking and throw all at it. Always been that way - not good for oneself. 
Living on the "top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo!" It finally got me this morning. An unexpected yawn at 4am this morning. Wow, ill take that lay down and see what happens! Well, a really crappy 45mins of disrupted in and out of consciousness occurred. And no outside this Forum would understand, but within that 45mins the 'Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope" occurred. To this day i still find that absolutely amazing such a profound mind shift could occur in 45mins. Fortunately i recognised it really quick, forced my self back to the computer and forced myself to get busy again. Slowly it came to me, so hyper focused it is impossible to thing about anything else .... just prolonging the inevitable for another few days..... But it was/ is effective. Tax done. Tick, massive weight off my shoulders. Now to deal with the TPD Super Insurance Claim that has been going for 4mths now. And though this extreme focus, i've managed to work out my Plan A, B, C, D and noow 100% completely understanding the legaleeze required and historical Denied Claims based on my Super Fund and my specific circumstances.... i've ended up with a bullet proof, 40 page document that will blow any assertions and reasoning for a denied claim out of the water. Even to the extent my shrink's testimonial in the 2nd Medical Report. He simply doesn't know how to do it. So i have a 100% factual, legally correct, precise time frames and pathology to match all contained that would make him and an Assessor rather silly if push comes to shove. Can't argue facts...

The premise will clearly be: which of my Diagnosis' is Primary (Causational) and which are Secondary (Bi-product)? Having AUD (Alcohol Use Disorder) on my list is a dead set 100% target. After months and months,  finally i have all that covered. In the plainest possible language - i didn't get up one morning, decide to get on the drink, throw my entire career away, lose my family, all my money, my sanity, everything so i could have fun. Yay! What fun!! Good idea Steve, do that! Equally i was not drunk when i was severely traumatized as a very young child (sticks with me to this day). Nor was i drunk when i had all my depression a serious anxiety issues, losing years off my Degree because i could not attend the hall for exams in Year 3. All through my teens. I couldn't drink it... So the assertion will be clear... Steve, you AUD caused all this, and continues to be the Primary Diagnosis - Claim refused. Well no. How about the 5 different Psychiatrists noting in 're-hab' over and over in clinical notes that my Bi-Polar and other symptoms became WORSE whilst sober? All in black and white, written and signed by highly respected Psychiatrists over the years of leading to 'give him more Seroquel to dumb him down'. No free rides with this stuff. What goes up, must come down. A little hint this morning.... Ive called the Hospital 3 times with out answer to get in ASAP be stuff goes really south, which it will. I shall persist calling until intake (who i know well) answer my call.

PS- too long a post to review for speellling an Grammma.... appologies, i think you get the gist regardless