This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Steve007]

Re-reading my previous, my spelling and grammar were appalling! Typing too fast as i do... apologies.

[quirkywords]

Steve welcome to this thread. We are friendly nonjudgmental supportive and understanding. Fell free to post when you like. I am queen of typos . I am glad you have your spark back I find I often fell lacking motivation and energy. I admire your determination. 

[Steve007]

Thankyou. Spark is not back yet - by far. A millisecond glint of sun after years of overcast sky’s. Recently, very recently infact. I seem to have seen through my denial. For 2years I had accepted my current position in life. Gave up. I had totally and utterly conceded to an “unfortunate life” and accepted my inevitable demise. Years of denial and belief in such. Too hard to face AGAIN! Been there sooo many times, I’m exhausted. Time to play final cards.

Damn tough to face and a work in progress….. but that’s all denial and hiding from my truth, letting people and circumstances bash me into submission. Hard to concede.

Rather than a daily pursuit of 💯 harmful activities, and negative thoughts, some positive thoughts and ideas are intruding. Even the act of joining here. Interesting to self observe without judgement. I seem to be doing/ solving/ actioning and thinking of things that have all been too hard… very simple things to ‘normal’ people who are non-crazy like me😂. TBH, when I am well these issues and the like simply bounce off me, solve and move on. But very difficult when in a poor state of mind as you would all understand.

Won’t go into detail. Could all be part of my hypo-M state I’ve been in all day. That’s cool too. No probs.

But sitting here just now, pondering, the realization i may have had some sort of shift. Not sure. Suddenly, aware I have unwittingly started attending to things I have deferred forever. Didn’t really decide to do these consciously, just happened. Even accepting some real life circumstances - Adult Children and the like. Can’t bash myself forever. I can’t change me unfortunately, nor the past nor do I know the future.

Again pondering, the realization that somehow I’ve managed to tie 5 little positive actions together. Has not happened in years. No idea what I will think tomorrow. Could be a false start. At least I’m not sitting here in that familiar, yet inexplicable sense of doom that makes me search for chaos through hypo/ outright mania to soothe me.

[Steve007]

Sorry, last i will spam you all with. Does anyone else 're-frame' their Bi-Polar as an asset, rather than the popular stigma of it being a shameful condition to be hidden? Just another little mind hack i learned along the way. In Business, it worked brilliantly. Asset 101, yet in my personal life it was the opposite - Disaster 101.

Ages ago, i watched a documentary from Stephen Fry - famous actor and the like who went through his journey of discovering his 'Bi-Polar'. Interviewed all kinds of famous and not so famous. I won't link any of that.

The point of my post is you may be able to use your Bi-Polar to your advantage. It is a fine tipped sword, but it can be done. You start to appreciate rather than resent your human condition. The said Stephen Fry documentary ended up with the same question of all interviewed. 

"If you had a magic button, right now, that would ensure you never-ever had Bi-Polar, would you press it??"

All but one said "No!" A really interesting concept i grabbed onto. Takes a bit to get your brain around it and i agree most can't. That's OK. Appreciation of a perceived negative, turned into a positive. Quite profound actually and helped me tremendously.

A perfect example. Again a careful dance for sure, but it's 1.30am or so and i need to clear a big agenda list item. A secondary set of Medical Questions for a TPD claim - i'll leave the detail there. But to the unwitting, these secondary set of questions seem innocuous. Harmless. Even my shrink thought so before he went away. Tthey were emailed to him in simple text. Very brief.

100% to the contrary: they are carefully composed, short and deliberately targeted questions to evoke a casual response from your Medicos. Even the smartest of shrinks or GP's would have have no idea how to respond 'correctly' to these questions.

It requires 'Forensic Clinical' responses, beyond anyone's expectation. So, rather than my Medico fill out the questions casually without knowledge, i have researched this all to death. Used a bit of Ai and the wording of say 'Bipolar, CPTDS, GAD, Alcohol Use Disorder' as context and voila! It is way beyond what you, i or my medicos could imagine. Perfect rationale and Clinical explanations are expected which i now have after weeks of research. In particular the Alcohol Use Disorder (or any Substance Use Disorder). Always of primary concern. Causation or Symptomatic? Primary or Secondary? Chicken before the egg or egg before the chicken? We all know the answer, but the insurer's will use any casual responses to nail you. The 'Forensic Clinical' answers to these questions are outstanding! Put into complete context and not arguable. Add previous Occupation. More specific. Demolishes and hope of an Assessor to deny your Claim. 

Anyway, as Yoda pronounced.... 'use the Force Luke, use the Force'.... With full knowledge, when i'm on fire, i'm on fire. Even self created when necessary as now. Productive x 200 and i'll get this highly technical document out in a few more hours, or probably 12 hours. So much to consider. Have a great sleep everyone!

I'm using my multiple conditions, with full knowledge and experience of Pro's and Con's, to my advantage. Not recommenced for anyone to do this, rather just the concept that maybe you can re-frame the narrative of Bi-Polar Affective Disorder and others.

[asdff]

Steve hello and welcome. In response to your question… I most definitely would choose to not have bipolar. For me it’s a roller coaster, a yo yo, a time bomb waiting to explode. That is just the anger, let alone the deep depression that comes with it. I am medicated and I do everything the professionals ask of me; regular sleep patterns, exercise, eat well, attend therapy. Yet, I still have this beast of a disease. 

It’s often said that a few actors and entertainers have bipolar. I’m guessing they have the creative side of this disease. The most creative thing I can do is wear colour. 

[velvetfaerie]

Hello Steve! I just read through everyone's comments quickly because, well, I actually don't have Bipolar, and, I have people at my house detailing my car. Distracted!!!

I was originally treated for that and the treatment didn't help much. Medication doses kept going up and up. I kept having issues.

I literally craved alcohol and whatever else I had access to in the realm of the illicit.

Drs refused to assess for ADHD for years.

A few years ago one did, with my mother's input, piles of paperwork and the likes. 

Now I am managed accordingly, and I like coffee. My desire for other substances evaporated, so did many of my friendships because I am more calm, and less of a party animal. My closest and best friends are non conventional too. They get me and I get them. Quality not quantity these days. They are also intelligent, which still exists in many people regardless of typos, grammar fails, dyslexia and spelling errors. 😁

Conventional things and people bore me. Leaning into your quirks and superpowers should be encouraged, so long as they are healthy of course. 

[Airies]

Hello Steve and the rest of the crew.In response to your question that’s an interesting one.I would say yes. The moments of brilliance and all the other crap I could pass. I don’t miss the close calls with the dark side, meds which lead into a fog, psych hospital admissions, bouts of ECT which have erased huge chunks of my memory. Your previous post was me to a tee.

One plus about my diagnosis with BP1 was I was able to get a disability pension after jumping through many hoops. 
Being a people pleaser.. having spent 20+ years working in prisons cracks started to appear which then became huge. Something had to give.

Nowadays I can count my friends on one hand. I’m lucky enough to be here. Loving wife, children and grandchildren but every day is an ongoing battle.

This thread is comforting. We get one another.

I indulge myself with a few tattoos. Some would call it a mid life chrisis. I just pit it down to my bipolar

[Airies]

That was a yes to not having bipolar. At the moment going through a very scattered period. Up between 12 midnight and 4am flicking through YouTube and streaming services 

[quirkywords]

Steve

hour post are helpful and make me think. Please post as often as you want to.

in the late @979s when I was diagnosed, it was a stigma and I was ashamed.  Ow with so many well known people having bipolar, I have people to say to me I must me so talented and creative as I have bipolar!,,

I am not creative.  I wear colourful leggings  s that embarrass my adult children. Asdff I never thought wearing colour was creative !!!!
I like writing but never get past a page and have a million ideas but no talent to write anything except for a weekly blog.

i do blame bipolar for all my bad traits.    Velvet as I have said before I am too old now to be diagnosed as adhd even though I tick all the

boxes.

aries I take hours to get to sleep then sleep for 15 mins at a time. I have been a restless

sleeper all my life and tried every remedy known to humans. Nothing works. 

[velvetfaerie]

Airies = youtube is my current vice. Ahhahaha!!!