I forgot that Recovery is not linear

Annas1 · ‎04-03-2026

Good Morning,

As the tag-line says, I forgot that my Recovery journey is not linear and so I should not despair that I'm back in the weeds again for a while. From a distance, it is no surprise that I have been triggered into anxiety and distress at the moment - the task was clearly beyond my current capacity. Yet, I felt compelled to ignore my doubts and push on regardless. Inevitably, my deeper self has rebelled and I am now tired, wired and full of self-doubt.

This has happened many times before - you think I would have learned something by now! - so the low and weary feelings are both unwanted and familiar. I thus start to doubt if I am truly on a Recovery path or if I'm only going round in knotted circles that will never lead anywhere different. That's the fearful, critical part of me getting the upper hand right now. It's such a habit to see things bleakly when I'm spent.

And yet, I can also see that this inner 'rebellion' does have something useful to say - I need to respect myself, know my limits and accept that I can't always please others. And I get it, and agree intellectually, but it's really very hard to follow through with actions and words.

So today will be about self-care, being gentle with myself and doing what I have to do. The hardest thing today will be acknowledging my limitations while connecting with my family. I want to let go of feeling unworthy or invalid because my capacity is limited. I want to feel that I still belong and am worthy of relationship. It is the deepest challenge of my Recovery.

Croix · ‎08-03-2026

Dear Annas1~

Welcme back. You are quite right, recovery comes in waves and this can be discouraging as one is tempted to think there has been no progress. That of course is not the case.

No you have better times as well as bad times and it is during those better time you can plan what ot do when oyu start to go down again. Part of it is learning not to bring it on in the first place by avoiding those events and matters that you know will have an adverse reaction on you

The second is to have pre-planned a set of things you can do to shorten the duration of the bad times and give you a lift. This can be exercise, talking to a friend (not necessarily about heavy stuff, watching a movie, using Smiling Mind (practice is needed with it but is well worth it) or whatever you like, have enjoyed in the past and will be at least distraction

It can be quite difficult to compose this list, which needs to be pretty specific as when down the mind seem to have no capacity to choose. The help of a friend who knows you and can remember what you enjoyed in hte past would be of assistance.

Yes it can be easy to slip into the trap of feeling inadequate with the family, are they the sort of people you can explain what is going on and the penalties for trying beyong your strength?

Croix

Eagle Ray · ‎20-03-2026

Hello Annas1 and wave to Croix,

I just wanted to say Annas that I really relate to what you say about understanding something intellectually but finding that putting it into practice can be a different thing. I think that is such a common experience and you definitely shouldn't be hard on yourself over it. I have taken on tasks that were bigger than I realised. One such task, even after I realised it was too much, I kept trying to do anyway, even when it was bad for my health. I was so worried I was somehow letting others down if I didn't complete it. In the end I abandoned it anyway, but not after a lot of suffering. It's taking me a long, long time, but I'm slowly learning to put my own self-care first. But just like you, I have fallen into holes along the way, getting stuck in the old patterns.

I hope you are feeling better since you posted. These things often feel big at the time, but after a while we have perspective and they don't seem so big anymore. Also, even when it feels we have slid right back, I have learned over time that the backwards slide is only partial. It's like we just have to keep learning by doing the same thing a number of times to really get it. Eventually we do get there. It's sort of like an organic process that has to unfold on its own timescale and our system eventually recalibrates itself to the extent that we have new neural pathways and a new sense of agency to do things differently and more consistently.

Wishing you care and support,

ER

Annas1 · ‎04-05-2026

Hello to both ER and Croix,

Apologies for my delayed reply, I really appreciate both of your posts. I agree with you that the harder times when I feel I'm sliding back down the mountain do seem shorter and I am less dismayed by my tumbles. It is still disheartening in the moment, but reflection usually reveals that there is a core lesson I have yet to fully accept. The silver lining to the cloud, as it were.

I think it is part of the larger project I am on to be a full human being who can be proud of myself and capable most of the time, but also someone with sensitivities and who makes mistakes. I want to change my direction toward accepting this 'fuller picture' rather than seeking to constantly improve on my imperfectness. A real shift in my self-perception, but one that could be powerful and uplifting for me.

Thanks again companions.

Croix · ‎04-05-2026

Dear Annas1~

Do you mind if I say that while your objective is to be at one with yourself, which is pretty big thing, there is a temptation to overlook the little victories. Improving you imperfections bit by bit is a path in the right direction. Please don't discount them or get impatient, you are doing great

OK so things come in waves, however I find "I've been here before" has its own comfort and gives strenght so as you too have found the down times as affecting you less. That is real progress.

Croix

Annas1 · ‎05-05-2026

Thanks Croix - I can see my habit towards ideals can still slip into my thinking too. You're right that the small victories matter and we build life bit by bit. Another useful image for me is the idea that your life is not a race, competition or praiseworthy outcome. Rather, you are adding threads to a beautiful, complex trapestry over time.

I appreciate your thoughtfulness, thank you.

Croix · ‎05-05-2026

Dear Annas1~

I had a very good freind that had a terminal illness, she was an expert at needlework and produced pictures. She asked me if I'd like one and I said yes please and nominated a subject from Blade Runner, a movie we both enjoyed.

My friend finished this and gave it to me before she passed away. If she had not finished it I'd have treasured it just as much only partly done.

It's a bit like life, getting there, weaving your tapestry of life, takes a great deal of work and has value all the way.

Croix

Eagle Ray · ‎09-05-2026

Hi Annas1 and Croix,

I think that's a beautiful way of describing life - a beautiful, complex tapestry over time. Sometimes even the difficult things we face actually become the things that really grow us as a person in ways that actually turn out to be positive in the end. It just sometimes feels a bit, or a lot, painful in the middle of that process. I'm going through something like that now. But I can also sense that I'm going to grow from my current circumstances in ways that give me new life skills and insights. So all these hiccups and curve balls actually enrich the tapestry of what our life is like and who we are. It's something I sense when I read some people's autobiographies which have the whole mix of good and not so good experiences, but you can see how enriched they were from all of those life experiences.

Take good care,

ER

Annas1 · ‎19-05-2026

Hello fellow travellers,

Today I've taken another slide down the mountain and feeling pretty weary as a result. It can happen when I'm too focused on accomplishing an achievement, too keen to 'make the grade' again. Not kind enough to delicate parts of me that need less pressure. More acceptance and ease.

Something I listened to recently suggested that self-acceptance is often the key to undoing the inner struggle. It doesn't mean we can't continue to grow, but it does mean that we have a sense of voting a definite 'yes' for the person we are today - future growth notwithstanding. I really like this idea, I really do, but what I find hard is the living of it. So, this is today's task, to vote a big 'yes' for myself as a person of worth, who is doing better at showing up, who is motivated to have goals, and who misses the mark by a way sometimes.

Annas1

Oh dear, here I am again, in the angsty vortex that is trying to tell me something I can't handle is on its way. Something that will mean I'm stranded and overwhelmed. Something that will mean I'm not good enough. I can see reading back here and on other threads that this is a place I've been a few times before. It's never pleasant, never easy, but somehow a bit less terrifying each time. And I always seem to get to an easier place eventually. I don't know how long this jag of anxiety and self-reproach will linger, but everything changes, even this.

I'm doing what I can to move away from feelings of hopelessness and fear and be gentle and kind to myself in this unfortunate situation. I certainly haven't chosen to feel anxious, and am deserving of relaxation and enjoyment. I want to support myself to do what I can and ask for support from caring others along the way. I'm learning that it's okay to have times of vulnerability and ask for help. It's not a sign I'm weak or less, it's because I'm human.