Good Morning,
As the tag-line says, I forgot that my Recovery journey is not linear and so I should not despair that I'm back in the weeds again for a while. From a distance, it is no surprise that I have been triggered into anxiety and distress at the moment - the task was clearly beyond my current capacity. Yet, I felt compelled to ignore my doubts and push on regardless. Inevitably, my deeper self has rebelled and I am now tired, wired and full of self-doubt.
This has happened many times before - you think I would have learned something by now! - so the low and weary feelings are both unwanted and familiar. I thus start to doubt if I am truly on a Recovery path or if I'm only going round in knotted circles that will never lead anywhere different. That's the fearful, critical part of me getting the upper hand right now. It's such a habit to see things bleakly when I'm spent.
And yet, I can also see that this inner 'rebellion' does have something useful to say - I need to respect myself, know my limits and accept that I can't always please others. And I get it, and agree intellectually, but it's really very hard to follow through with actions and words.
So today will be about self-care, being gentle with myself and doing what I have to do. The hardest thing today will be acknowledging my limitations while connecting with my family. I want to let go of feeling unworthy or invalid because my capacity is limited. I want to feel that I still belong and am worthy of relationship. It is the deepest challenge of my Recovery.
