This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Has anyone 

[quirkywords]

Does anyone like raisin toast. I like  French toast  too. 

[velvetfaerie]

Yes yummy!!!! So yummy.

My mum loves raisin toast too.

Airies = this am at work i needed someone to do a fast, low impost yet urgent job. We have next to no one at work, those who are, busy or apathetic. 

I walked out. Why? I always help them when asked and currentlyI have a severe skin infection spreading, I don't feel well, therefore I need an urgent medical assessment. 

(I am in the waiting room. All good). 

Maybe I need raisin toast when I buy my horse sized antibiotics hahaha.

[Airies]

Raisin toast with ****load of butter. Day 1 of cutting back on food, counting calories and the usual. Walk and gym felt good. Good on you Velvet your health mental and physical comes first. Hope the antibiotics helps. I’m still on the tail end of RSV. In my previous work life a common saying was a bit of whiteout replaces you. 
take care and I hope you’re on the mend soon.

[velvetfaerie]

We shouldn't talk about food if you have cut back on the good stuff. Mmmm. Butter.

Started antibiotics. Double dose. May need IV antibiotics + surgery yet but let's hope not!!

Oh well. While I was waiting I got email from my boss. 2 weeks off. Unexpected surgery for her too!!! Here comes the whirlwind for my workplace. No sympathy.  None. 

My dog gets to deal with me now. HAHAHAH! 

Animals are the best people.

[velvetfaerie]

My options for an urgent minor surgical procedure = wait in ED for many hours, maybe 12hrs or more, or urgent care clinic at a cost of a fair few hundred dollars, after medicare rebate.

Oh and my private cover covers no outpatient procedures.

This is why people do not present until things get really bad. Time/money = no one has either. 

Pondering the ED. Work will just have at least a week of no one in my office. That is 0 out of 3 staff. Unfortunate really. 

[Airies]

How to others cope with triggers. On the news last night was the person I reported to. Minimal support, she was on her own agenda. Brought it all back, stupid thoughts and feeling so vulnerable.

i can’t commit to anything, all over the place really, seeking comfort in food. Find I’m clenching teeth and scratching my forehead once I hit the sack.

My medication leaves me in a fog. 

[Steve007]

Hi all,

new to this Forum but i am grateful i finally found and engaged.

The very very first post of this thread in 2016 @Kazzl absolutely floored me 😳. It is me. I cannot believe it. It is me! Never have i found such a profound, concise description and understanding of my mental state EVER. And i'm mid 50's. Everything without exclusion is me. Including the lengthy history, change in dianosis over time, self medication with Alcohol and the phrase i use myself "There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo!". I've purchased too many jetskis, cars, motorbikes and even houses to get bored with it and fire sell each for $1.50. Funny stuff for me. Not one aspect missing.

On the flip side, if i showed that to someone who doesn't 'get it', they would be completely dismissive or simply entertain my crazy thoughts then run away, never to talk to the 'crazy man' again. This has already happened, i am completely isolated from all. It has been an eternal battle for me to explain. But it is what it is and i have given up on trying to educate those once close years ago.

Finally taking the position "It is impossible to change another's thinking, no matter how hard you try". Quite profound. This position has caused me loss, but it think it was all inevitable. The upside is i can actually be me for the first time in life. I have no qualms telling anyone i have been 'in the Looney Bin 20 times' nor other mental health challenges i have had for 50years (not randoms off the street obviously). Hopefull it helps someone or at lease get them to consider and/or a one man crusade to get real awareness of Mental Health issues. You may notice i enjoy a healthy, yet appropriate (i hope??) dose of humor and/ or black humor as a coping mechanism.

ME: Old bloke mid 50', tried every therapy, every psycho-pharmaceutical drug, GP's, Shrinks, Councillors, self medication - the works. Diagnosed BP2, cPTSD, GAD, Substance Abuse Disorder (Alcohol). Private Psychiatric Hospital 22 times. PEC Unit once.. i stopped at those Diagnosis as it was enough... i'm sure i can add another 5 or 6 diagnosis but i learned i'm just a big ball of multiple conditions, not a singular Condition. It no longer matters to be actually.

Currently in the worst position of entire life. Pretty dire but i wont give up. I had recently given up.... but for whatever reason i have a spark to punch on again, don't give up. Very had to find that emotion and thought daily, but i try. Hoping if i hang around, i can bathe in the good vibes and can every now and then contribute too.

thankyou all - Particularly the OP

[Airies]

Welcome to the gang  Steve and for being so brutally honest. Gets to the stage in life where you don’t really care what people think. I’m a few years older than you but can relate completely re: hospital admissions and so on. At this very moment I hate my meds but what’s the alternative. Enough of my rant. I’m glad you found this thread. I had to google what OP was . Is original poster right?

[Steve007]

Hahahaha yep. Original Post is correct. Don't worry, i have no Facebook, Instagram, Tick-Tok or any such nonsense, so i get it. I'm often googling 'TLDR' and the like - don't bother Googling that. I'm just a Dad trying to keep up with adult sons with all the fancy acronyms. Rants are good. We all live and learn. Cannot learn without knowledge. In most cases via consideration of hundreds of 'rants' all jumbled up to come to our own conclusion.
Completely understand the meds issue. I would love to see all my experts sit around a table and debate which of them was correct - diagnosis and medication. My answer is.... none.
Fortunately, my current Psychiatrist allows much self-direction and autonomy RE: medication (within reason). I call him a 'facilitator' of my needs these days. Not my psychiatrist. I'm therapy'ed out. I know everything about how and why i am. The mechanism of action of all the meds in detail, current DSM-5-TR diagnosis in detail - yes, usual hyper-focused, hypo-manic states. Stay awake for days and nights on end searching for whatever i am obsessed about. Also doing 10 other things i randomly need to stimulate myself with. Let’s say 3 x laptops, 1 x PC, 1 x I-pad and 1 x I-phone all on different topics plus Netflix, plus Spotify. I jump from one to the other every 40 seconds, forgetting what the previous was.

Had another wall of text i deleted. Thought i'd better save everyone the ordeal 🙂