This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[asdff]

When you have a parent that comments on how much money your brother and sister in law make per year. When you make $0. I did point out meanwhile you have one child over here with a mental health illness. This same parent used to make rude comments about an ex of mine and how he was money hungry. Is it any wonder i got the making of bipolar from this parent. He confuses me all of the time. Way to make your child who supports people for a living I.e. doesn’t get a pay cheque feel even worse about her non existent self esteem. Yes. I have a headache, yes I am low

[velvetfaerie]

I find people who use income as a measure of how awesome they are, how successful they are, very sad individuals. Are they happy? Forfilled? Clearly if they value income above other worthwhile things they need to reflect on their values.

That stuff irks me because I have some people in my life who boast about that stuff. I had one tell me she'd never take a job In the same vein as my career as not enough money. I reminded her the job is about passion and values, rarely mega cash income.

Many important jobs / roles in society where there is minimal and zero remuneration.

[asdff]

I am not a Keeping up With the Jones type Velvet. It makes me uncomfortable being around those types. I prefer genuine people. Is that because we have good B.S. detectors?

[velvetfaerie]

My BS detector is a little over reactive now. I don't trust anyone at all. Not after my experiences. So far I've been super distrustful of 3 people today. Two complete strangers. Not even sorry because everyone is out there now to pull one over you to either rob you or extort you. Not having it.

However, people who have to boast about income, address, etc have not much else to be proud of so.... but what they don't realise is all that stuff can go in a heartbeat too.

I've been very triggered today by a few things so I better shoosh hahaha.

[asdff]

Triggers me too V. Me too. I forgot that is what set me off. I must write the two of them down. One is an ongoing one that I can't avoid. The other one I duck and weave it.

[quirkywords]

Asdff and V,

I had triggers today one obvious and one I try to work out .

V I find people who have to tell how high their IQ is, how much they earn, how much their house is worthy , how skilled they are at so many things annoy me too and I see them as shallow.
Big wave to everyone. You are all brave and by posting here you are helping others.

[asdff]

Do you find Bipolar debilitating? I do. The ups and downs. The unpredictability. I do everything the professionals tell me to do to manage this beast and yet it comes to visit again and again. It’s not welcome. I am not well again. I think my friends and family must think I’m mad or making it up. It’s exhausting. I think oh yes I am okay. I could work. Oh wait hold that thought, here comes the depression. The depression takes me to the depths of hell. I cry. I am angry. I am always angry. I don’t know what joy or happiness are.

[quirkywords]

Asdff

exhausting is the word I think of when I think of bipolar. I am always physically and emotionally tired. Why are you so tired is what my family say as to them I don’t have a real job even though I volunteer for about 40 hrs a week.

[Airies]

Asdff, I find it very tiring, constantly trying to fill the void, do that, buy this, the need for perfection on the most trivial things and not getting there. WW 2 books I do love a good war film but books biographies, whatever grabs my fancy yet at times struggle to read a few pages yet was once an avid reader, a bookworm, one of my sons is developing quite a collection of eclectic books.

I can’t be bothered by a friend who is hard work, won’t call , would rather communicate by email. My other half says at least he keeps in touch. I don’t see it like that. I’m off to the drs tomorrow re my falls, thankfully I haven’t had one in a few days and managed a ride along mixed terrain which was fun.
Im hoping to bring my inpatient stay forward after a holiday to review my meds. Every time I mention it I’m greeted with awkward silence. I can only try.

[quirkywords]

Have anyone has a partner blame their mental health for all the problems in the relationship. This is my 3rd partner who has blamed me.
Deep down I know life is more complicated and I am being manipulated.

I am ok just tired.
How is everyone going .?