Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

948 Replies 948

Love that you recognise how great you're managing. Fantastic x

Hi Katy.

Just wanted to say how adorable your profile picture is!

Thank you! It is always really important to note the good . It's hard on ur own sometimes to see how you're doing. I am glad I manouevered through a dangerous time and am alive.

I agree with Tayla that's a gorgeous pic

That's true Sleepy

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member

Had suicidal thoughts tonight and attempted to seek help...

didn't go so well 😞

Actually was quite horrible. I called a helpline and it went pear shaped, could barely speak. I was shaken horribly by this encounter. There are so many knock-backs in keeping safe.

Now watching a movie which is actually triggering and not so good for my Mh but i'm still watching it. Hopefully will get calm eventually and be able to read or turn to something a bit less horrible.

Been knocked down again today.

Called my Mum and told her that i'm sort of over this whole interaction

it was such a raw conversation

i feel so much shame about myself today

like i'm trying to be myself but it just isn't enough.

Hi Sleepy21,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through and that you did not feel supported when reaching out for help. It takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.  We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.

ecomama
Valued Contributor

Oh Sleepy HUGE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Huger and longer than that!!!

I'm SO PROUD of you!!!

You're amazing, you really are.

Lifting this depression you're feeling is darned HARD work! But you're DOING the work. Seriously even preparing food to eat and getting some sunshine is really hard work but you can do it!

I thought of what you told me once... about what Kristen Neff says.... remember?
To hold your own hands.
Confession time.... I found this really triggering to try to do. Listening to Kristen's soft kind and gentle voice reminds me of you. She soothed my troubled mind. You do too.

So I couldn't easily hold my own hands. Instead I got some hand cream and massaged my own hands. Then held them and cried my eyes out.
I asked myself WHY was this so hard to do?
Sure for me it was about self-worth and darn it Sleepy if OUR self worth should be from whatever our parents did, didn't do or who they are.

No.
That's NOT who we are.

YOU ARE AMAZING.

I can't believe you've had so many interactions with your mum.... that's heavy and really mind-effing stuff. You've shown ALOT of courage doing that.

I know you should have your stuff back and your parents aren't good with you getting your stuff back. Perhaps that's showing them more steps of yours towards separating from them?
They will not want that.

But it's not about what THEY want.

This is YOUR journey and you're DOING it!

The huge steps towards your own MH is about doing what you're doing... getting a good GP TICK!
Getting therapy TICK! Making meals TICK! Calling helplines TICK! Getting sunshine TICK! Taking time out TICK! Getting to your group TICK! (Gosh you're doing alot lol!) Saying NO when you need to TICK! Getting boundaries in place TICK!

Sleeping in your swish new linen TICK!

If you can't hold your own hands now, let us hold your hands!!
You held mine when I needed it, you caught me when I joined and haven't left.

This means more than the world to me Sleepy.

Only ideas but I'll put them out there for you.... the Women's Health Centre nearby you could be open... I joined their mailing list to see what was on there.
Community Gardens are usually always open and the food growing there is for you too.
Take a bag to put some yummies in if you like! I'll try to get anyone interested in growing food, mainly because that journey changed my life.

Love you lots!
EMxxxx

Matchy69
Blue Voices Member
I am sorry Sleepy you having bad thoughts and the helpline was not very helpful for you.I really understand about feeling worst getting of the phone from them.That was a really brave thing you did and calling your mother and telling her your over the interaction with her.That must have been really upsetting for you but might have helped you a bit moving forward.Particularovies can be so triggering for us even movies we think will be ok.I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and hoping you can through this and we are all here for you.
Take care,
Mark.

Hey Sleepy, I'm so sorry I just saw this. I feel bad now. I haven't used helplines for a while.

I'm so sorry you were feeling suicidal & the helpline didn't help you. Are you ok now?