Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Good to see you missed you G

Cant stop crying this is more than giving up durries sarvo

Feeling trapped desparate at times other times just bloody down, change is going to happen soon I feel it. No idea in which way said to support worker ive had a feeling may not be around much longer (not by my hand) or will be to 120. Maybe thats the change dunno just been thoughts. Sorry being honest

These happies couple little manias this was more how I usually am maybe bit higher...ahh..ha, would explain how im feeling now well this second nearly ok its intermittent this is slightly different to other lows overall friggen need out

Crying fair bit in spurts.

It makes ya so crammed in the head hurts smothered sad no hope like you're stuck restless need to have movement. Have this headspace sometimes before mania but doubt, still needing sleep lot of.

Daghhhhhhuh

.

[startingnew]

hugs DB, let the tears flow but remember to breathe

maybe a nice hot shower will help to just settled you abit and get you out of your head a little bit

something to snack on- comfort stuff and savour it- abit of mindfullness?

or a nice warm drink?

[demonblaster]

Thanks starts I'll be ok

Usually it eases off so I guess this is no different except arghhh cant word it

[startingnew]

i know youll be ok DB, you are the demonblaster but you dont have to do it on your own

giving you a tight hug and then a hand to hold xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, 🦄 waves to everyone else,

Im very concerned about you Deebi, You cannot leave me..I can't stay without you, so you must look after yourself..

What your talking about if I've listened properly is what I'm going through now for a couple of weeks...up for an hour or so then just bursts of tears from no where then near rock bottom for hours, sometimes a day or two. I don't have my new meds for another few weeks yet..

Awe cry honey, 😭😭you say to me it's a release, cry an ocean of tears if you need to, I certainly have been.

Deebi I so understand about living in your own head, it's the worst thing ever, I will never learn to do this. Im always stuck wanting to run away, to escape the vicious circle of thoughts tormenting me. Honey I think I know how your feeling and my heart is breaking into pieces 💔for you..I don't trust anyone in r/l to let them into my life, I have no one here now except for lovely friend in town who is not well and in her late 70s. Love this friend, but scared of loosing her,

Im really scared of loosing you Deebi, I mean really scared, Have been since I connected with you, Nothing good ever stays in my life, your so good honey Gold..24ct pure.

I think the pain from your arm plus the worry of possible surgery is making it a lot harder for you to cope. Remember I love you deeply, I know that doesn't help you much, but always remember that I am alway with you in spirit, I so wish that I could be with you in r/l..

Have a lay down honey and I'll give your shoulder and back a gentle massage, while my angel 😇 wings are warming your soul with their magical light..⚡️⚡️💫✨

Please be okay Deebi, I need you so much ❤️🤗. Don't let beasty 👿win please...

Ill be 👁👁, you the entire night, I'll be with you.

(L&C). ❤️🤗 Always Deebi.🦄

Grandy.👭🎀💘✨✨

[demonblaster]

You help Grandy thank you

You've got a way about you

Potential surgery dont want but not stressing, ? Paralysis naturally think about but not stressing either cause so far behaving but bad possibility.

Dont know Grandy, dont usually have these feelings of mortality, very occasional. I too fear people I love leaving. You're one too

Thanks I'd so love a massage and for honeys ☺

Ditto r/l and yes you loving me deeply does help

Thank you Grandy really THANKYOU xx

[demonblaster]

So glad your staying and ..👀.. and lot of 🤗 too plz, massage amazing

Going back bed again soon ☺

Thankyou so much too Starts xx

[Ggrand]

Shhhhh....Good night my special friend..❤️👼..

Sleep deep and hoping you wake up fresh and vitalised.

Grandy.💬🕶👓 ..lol. Sunnies on now..

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, 🦄..

I just thought I would 🚁 Helicopter back in....👁👁 to let you know I'm still sitting with you honey and holding your 🤝 hands..playing you some soothing 🎶 music 🎻🎼 🎶I hope you enjoy it,

Please wake up feeling ok with some light in your beautiful soul. Im just sneaking 👣 Out to make you a nice ☕️coffee/tea for the morning🌞 Oh yeah some flowers💐🌸🌼🌺 for your kitchen table to make 🍳 breakfast that little bit better..

{{{❤️🤗}}. Always Deebi.

Grandy xx

[demonblaster]

🤗😙☺ you're precious hun thanks fo your time an effort. Biggly smiles

Damn this arms really griefing every turn in bed. Pillow under arm when turning right helps bit

nearly 4am

Back stirring leg on an off

Starts thanks fo your time and care hun. You asked bout stretches yes been doing occ gently think helping.

🤗🤗💖💖🦄😙😙☺