Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

I agree we only need a little bit of better to give us extra choosing off strength....

Mumjo.....😂..liking that it’s cute...The rain sounded so nice last night, I couldn’t sleep, just ...well emotional last night...just okay now...

Sweetheart, Were here for each other, even if I’m crying I’m okay to help you, gets me out of my head to talk to you and others when I’m down..But to far down I can’t do nothing but cry and fight myself to stay here, with you....trying to win a battle is very hard Deebi when your fighting yourself...we are lucky that our positives are stronger then our negatives at most times.....

I’m so extremely and eternally grateful that you are here...Please try not to dwell on the past especially your attempts, they will bring you down...You are here and I love you very very much and want you to find some happies into your life, because you are a very special, lovely, caring, compassionate and beautiful young lady, who is trying so hard to be a good girl and not be even a widdle bit norty...

Headaches for me usually come a few/couple of days before episode, maybe yours bp related as well....
Deebi, Please try not to feel the thoughts, let them flow through, think of

🐆🐅......destiny and eternity.....Loves washing your face with their kisses..
⭐️🌟.....Stars....Their brilliant twinkling ✨ at mine ..
⛄️..........Snowman.....Soon you will make one....something to look forward to.😗
🌲...........Weetbix tree...needs watering to make fuel for our.
🚜🛴.......Super turbo power gets to mine in 0.7sec.
🎁...........presents always exciting to get them..
🦄...........Magical times...Special friend..
💎.............A diamond..your are a diamond..Strong, unbreakable and beautiful.
💼🛒........Our treasure and fun holders.
🗝🔑.........keys to our houses and our hearts.
🐉 🔥........Our protection from beasty.

Please stay above 50% so I know your safe....please be okay...Always here for you, I will never give up or let go...Always holding hands 🤝..and watching 👀 over you..and my angel wings 🧚‍♀️ 🧚🏻‍♂️are always wrapped around you protecting you.

I hope you sleep well tonight my dear friend, I have asked my little 🧜‍♀️🧞‍♀️🧝🏻‍♀️🧜‍♂️ magical friends to look after you tonight......My L🔥VE for Y💜U goes deep

Good night everyone, lots of love💜& 🤗 hugs and wishing for 🕊 for all of you

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy👼🦄.....🌜👭🌛

Deebi...Please when your all tight with anxiety breathe in 1- 2-3-4-5- breathe out..R-E-L-A-X..

[demonblaster]

There's SO much magic & Gold in you dear Grandy thank you for that and your love I can't and clearly don't 😄 speak highly enough.

Good lady that you're just ok, as opposed to worse, hold on keep the positives, I'm applying them a lot more now counteracting the bads, listening to them then finding a positive in the same situations. As you say thoughts are ours.

Writing and emptying out helped calm beasty, I've only got a short time here. Wasn't going to go to new MH but of course grr woke early walked for bloody smokes, later on that self harm kinda. Working on. (Post)
4 pain prns & 2 sleepers, unbelievable so got roughly 6 hrs solid and night before in reply it was closer to 1 a.m I think. I forget to take sleepers cause I'm so had it and try first without them probs doze. Headache I'll try to be more mindful when they're coming. Could be related to BP, got a nag feeling that are the GPs right about neck but there's some evidence it is so could be both. Sure is plenty of activity upstairs.

I haven't so much been thinking on the attempts in the pain aspect, it came up but didn't pull me down, over the yrs I can never forget fully the pain in the Blacks and they've always repeated in BP the difference was I had the promise to Mum and my love (reasons). I feel I've turned a corner esp the last one, cracked IT's back getting through stronghold Blacks.

That was rough last night but quick out, and when I realised which took a few minutes that it was a panic attack breathed and here was distraction and emptying out. Even niggling chest stuff backed right off too, littles but I think smoking.
It's beasty finding anything to hurt me. Starting to tame it. Booomer

Yes/no good being amongst people esp the group today being heavy but good. Would rather not but 3 things consecutively within minutes really but I really need to do them. People as we know are good but for me the tinyest comment but I'm trying to be more aware of mood and mostly can hold my tongue now in anger which isn't as often now either unless people outwardly aggressive.

I feel at this point anyway I'm going to get through this with less pain and anguish but then I'm not on the down side yet but gotta keep the positives working and they sure do help.

It's happening Grandy and when it does can help so many more.

So much love darling, had a tinsy frost this morning, gorgeous day in Paradise.
Excited for future. ((xx))

[demonblaster]

Hi Grandy darl and other lovelies 🙂
LOL oh I see lady Karma visited, I whooped the first sentence 😄 😄

Rough diamond but smoothing out 🙂 slowlyy Excellent post G thanks x

Checked chest pains. Thought stress & smoking and are.They were/are at times getting pretty intense ? smokes adding to headaches.3 pop up sometimes, think I know. but not sure. which angles my head starts them ? threads, When I'm bending my head or ?

Glad I did today. Heard lovely Cfriend (sick) isn't doing too well, exhaustion too.
Have to get into the card. Yesterday not up to it today been everywhere. I'll use the other one as back up, get it enlarged to A4 and laminated with a couple of copies, I white out sections draw & photocopying zillion times. Just had an idea to make it easier to avoid that.
Need to come down but busy till thurs All good

The outs are not/great cause pulling up around people tends to mania me & more exhausting but better than the alternative, quiet (people wish 🙂 & down

LOVEN my specials, that was the highlight. Funny as, I'm sitting in the car out front talking to MH bloke thinking we're early watching out for them for about 15 mins, oops they were already there. WIN today, got one playing that's REALLY hard to get up, the others I can with a lot of coaxing but WOW and he plays well, lovely fella. If one way doesn't work I try another and literally couple minutes before I thought of a way, it happened. Uncanny & Grandy about the posts waiting (thats a first) Love it I go zany with them and pump them all up so much fun. Full on though. Some try to sneak back to the seat it's cute. Motivating. Gave a honey a bracelet today, she's so gorgeous. They all are. Where ever I live I'll continue with that. Seeing improves is mind blowing and so nice encouraging and seeing them laughing & happy

MH bloke (mentor/support) expecting no but possibility if I get accepted to the BV thing he'll come for support. Ok if not. Gotta watch for the date.

So glad I didn't post both. Going to talk to people first before I go further with the light bulb one. Working on impulse esp in mania. First thought, we want something like a fag or choccy and act on it. Learnt more about mania this episode. Meh but ok. Quirky helped a lot with that post still thinking and Geoffs. bbl

IM GETTING STRONGER! Love to ya Grandy and you beautifuls thanks everyone 🙂

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Im pleased that it help take some stress out of you by writing out your thoughts here...I was concerned when you started to remember..I don’t think we can ever forget those times or the extreme pain and hurt we were in...

Im pleased you had your outs today. I know that they help you, you’re good with people..

The panic attacks can at times get really intense, Honry you got to remember to breathe..it’s important and have a grounding box made and ready to use...Deebi, I used to hyperventilate a lot before, ended up in hospital a few times....Now I have panick attacks, They are scarey. I have a grounding box next to my bed with a piece of paper in it that say breathe slowly breath deep...I remember now...maybe you could do the same.....

You will get through it Deebi, I can hear in your words your much stronger, you have more control...over beasty...I’m really very proud of you..👍..

Deebi, Maybe get one of those neck cushions from reject shop only a few $..maybe will support /help a little, just a thought..

Well done on the card your doing for your friend....Geez Deebi it’s not fair is it..😢😢..Life can be so unfair..I’m really sorry....

Youre so good with people Deebi, you know how to talk to them, how to encourage them, you’re special there Deebi...😚☺️... your making a difference sweetheart and there is nothing better ever then making someone laugh or feel better within themselves...

You’re very intelligent Deebi and if anyone can fugue this out it’s going to be you.You’ve got a big want ..determination and passion...

I hope tomorrow is a good day for for you and I hope tonight you sleep deeply.....

Love you Deebi, Demonblaster...deeply..💜.,,Love who you are, and our fun times...

Good Night Sweet friend, good night everyone...

Love and hugs..💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼🕊..

[Ggrand]

Good Morning...Beautiful Friend..

Just calling in before I go to work today, to remind you that you are stronger then beasty, keep choofing [IT] xx away today..Because your are Demonblaster...Strong, determined stubborn...as well as being Deebi. an absolutely smart, caring, lovely, gentle, sweet with a very beautiful and loving soul........🌜🦄💜👼🌛

L💜ved you yesterday...L👼Ve you today and will L🦄ve you for all tomorrows.....

Have Super good day today, lovely Deebi... My little fairies are with you today..🧚‍♀️🧚🏻‍♂️they are caring for you...

I hope everyone’s day is a super good day .🙋🏻‍♀️.

Love & hugs..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼....🕊🕊 Peace Everyone....

[demonblaster]

You're posts are always beautiful Grandy thanks so much for your 🦄 and 💜 back at you 🤗

Not sure if previous post went through by oops. Slowly working notes. This is an 8 " and gremlins (faulty) make it a challenge

No headache atm but looks like its starting again. Sweety I don't think the pillow will work because it seems at least one cause is when my heads forward slightly unless I recline, actually I'll fluff ☺ with voice text. Less bending forward. Just thought of a couple of ways to get around bending my head in chair anyway

Said once before the ONLY positive about beasty atm is we can become stronger and learn as a collective how to hack

Have a peaceful day at work my 🌜💜🌛

Btw can we bracket "holding hands" emoji cause on the pc it's not clear.

I'm happy that at least my head will go from South to North 👍ticket to peace

In case I didnt say it previous post if it went through heaps to do on my threads, eventually I want to separate sites from apps and threads. Too big and also redo (I did look in at most sites) but to do what Quirky said using bb ones & I can check with them for others. (Later). Oh and housework on all of the threads.

I'll speak here presumably less audience, don't want to scare people. Several people said on threads anxiety can't hurt you. I checked with GP cause wasnt sure about that and didnt want to undermine them and it can be a problem if there's underlying health issues eg heart, BP blood pressure etc. It's less likely to hurt younger people in good health.

You said beautiful things G thanks lovely ☺

Good days people we're going to get this I KNOW it! Hold on.

[startingnew]

Hello DB

just popping in to see how your going today?

sending some hugs xoxoxo

[demonblaster]

Hi darling thanks SLD 🤗

It's been incredibly hard with gold.

Got rid of majority of chest pains they're not nice at all.

Walked to see friend talked about it all and her stuff deeply love her laughed saw couple others, spoke with couple don't really know well. That all helped. Walking home that extreme tiredness in thighs. Took it slow. good for impulse control.

This morning every thought of something I have to do gave that panic in the chest the feeling of dread except the card stuff.

Breathing few times, blew really hard out a few times on walk and at home. Got a dose of exhaustion down street.

High stress but holding.

Defused an escalating argument. Couldnt agree. Although we were fine my name will be mud. Needed to be said Heartbreaking situation but does have goods. Everyone else feels same. Trying to not dwell and considering the goods but it's bloody wrong.

Out fri night tea and card signing have 4 helping.

Bestys many yrs cat left us today. They'd be mortified, probs visit soonish.

Psych tomoz.

This is going to be a hard down and moreso if I think that but what's new. Actually what's new is I'm going to get through again.

Ragged stressed but holding ok. No headache meds today, it's trying to come on 4th time now.

Hope lifes easing for you darling I've got psych and out tomoz night (kinda have to) hoping to rest up thursday but need to support besty and partner even if a couple hrs.

3rd time friend found pouch of tobacco.

Think/hope I'm coming down now, wouldnt be quite as hard if not for the bulk meds

We will survive huns. Warriors ☺😚🤗

Night darlin ☺

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

I wrote a post earlier took me hours. I don’t know what I done but I am 99.8% sure I lost it, because a different page came up......

Im sorry about your headache coming back...So not fair this hurt and pain we go through...I usually do iPad sitting in bed leaning on bed head with pillows or same on lounge...I’m sorry about mentioning the pillow, I think I did before....Do you ever wish you could rewind the day and start again because everything you touch or say or do is wrong/bad?..

It warm up my heart when I heard that you went for a walk to meet friend and talk and laughing...love your laughing honey...

Oh no, it’s hard to loose a loved pet, I’m truely very snotty for your friends loss...

The panick attacks you’re getting poor darling, are you able to settle them okay, or is it hard for you? Maybe if you can...maybe speak to your psych tomorrow or your gp next visit....I’m concerned about you Deebi, having the panic attack,,,,there scarey when you’re on your own...I need to settle my panick attacks asap, because they have a few times brought on the ectopic beats to every third, and sped up my heart rate to fast....

I hope it’s not a really hard or really deep downer for you Deebi, just remember that your stronger then beasty, you can do it..and I’ll always be here for you lovely lady...

If okay I’ll reply on my thread tomorrow..The psychologist that cancels my appointment rang me today and said I had an appointment at 5pm today, Deebi, I never made an appointment, I would never ever make one that late, because I have just over 30 kilometres of very badly half tarred, full of pot holes, dirt road and it would and it was dark by the time I got home....which is also the time the kangaroos come down from the hills to feed, I had a very stressful drive home tonight.......Deebi i never made it...Why is she doing this to me?. 😢..

Deebi, im going to sleep now, your probably already asleep..Well I really hope you are...Sleep well and dream of the sun rays warming your skin as you sit under a tree drinking an iced tea/coffee...watching the brilliant bright sparkling stars....

Love you Deebi.......💜🦄👼🕊👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼🕊..

[demonblaster]

Hi darlin 🤗

On my 2nd sleeper damn so just here for this cause it'll work shortly. Got about 2 hrs without one. Sometimes I've just accepted I need them in BP rare in between but scared of addiction and these are hooky. Literally again thinking while this booted up to get some other hooky ones to calm in these times but I've got most of the anxiety under control with a lot of effort but this is going to be a long one cause I cant unwind till Sat if no more social contact & casual friend possibly in w/e

Thanks explaining pillow. that's ok love saying it before, god knows I repeat. One of the specials tells us same within seconds sometimes repeatedly SO beautiful she's so happy each time so I react same or vary response. Bracelet one. Thought on that it tires arms but thought could pillows under arms in seat and atm I'm reclined. Hesd ok atm. Cold pack yesterday but had another stronger prn, eased but not sure which worked and also tonight think it helped a bit but tricky to know cause they sometimes start hard and I've waited cause they go.

Had these extremes body tension more in type 1. Literally sometimes wks with bowels not working from how tight ya get but need to frequent more fruit am lately. Told doc. The meds have constipating side effects for heads.

😆 It is very sad with pets. Was walking in street alone & thought of lunch with beasty, burst out laughing. You prefer to in company 😄 people might think & be right Im a bit loopy

Get ya on posts. considered that too somehow I landed elsewher

Yes I started having some palpitations again but they backed of. More concern with your heart trouble. I'll settle when off fags and extra weight off I think. They were little regular for a while checked it out ok but backed off. Not much this time. Glsd I got anxiety settled but stressed but at least a few things worked.

ohh darlin 🤗 i don't know what the go is there. Upsetting for ya sweety.

Beautiful drink stars sun. Coffee sounding magic.

Been cooking and freezing we use to. So thats improves. Would have gone bed earlier thought meat wouldnt hsve taken as long. LOVE meat

Nigh night sweet I'll read yours then crash. With besty other day we nearly had accident. I joked saying I couldnt believe how calm I said no and then said I'd be ok cause shed be hit first 😆 lightened the moment. Hard to say they both were on the round about sameish time if anything maybe friend could have waited but she had time & he was booting it.

Love you 💜💑