Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

I noticed that you posted, so I decided to come listen to listen/ talk to you....You sound so very happy special friend which warms my heart. and I can't wait to here what you've been up today...

How did this arvo go with pc friend? Take your time sweetheart with your post, it doesn't matter how long it takes..

I really hope that you can sleep without the prn meds, but hun if you need them please use them...Sleep is very important in recovery...You might be right with your headaches, maybe your straining your neck muscles..can you maybe use a cushion for supporting your head...

Ohh beautiful special Deebi, I think your doing a good job on the forums, your always around to talk and help many people here.....You don't need to apologise because you've done nothing wrong...

Seriously your gold Deebi and my L🔥Ve for goes deep into my soul....

I just use the notes that came with my iPad I haven't downloaded any...

I hope your day was a good one and tomorrow will be a better day...

Love and big hugs..💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍👩💜Grandy👼🦄...🕊🕊

[demonblaster]

Hiya Pepstar 🙂

Thanks darl and yeah it's hard not to constantly think about her. Am very sad about it so trying to focus on what I can do for her while she's still here and be philosophical I thinks the word about it. I'll make the card a huge one, she's very well liked and known where she lives so I'm going to go to the Hotel there as soon as po and get as many people as possible to sign the card and of course both MH groups her family etc. I'll invite the other group to the other MH BBQ. (I'll check but should be fine) I did same card thing for a friend that passed just over a yr ago and got people from the bus signing it for her Mum so I can use a fair bit of that art and redo the sections I wasn't happy with. It's nice but took a couple of mths to finish, and time was moving on to get it to her. Was doing mega hards in BP at that time so that'll speed this one up.
Not sure how long we've got so I'm going to be very busy for a while.

They're trying to get her on the new MH lunch out tomoz from hospital so hoping if not at a guess from yrs of nursing and Palliative (dying) care I think/hope (but don't know) she might have at least 3/4 mths hoping more of course. Haven't known her very long but quality friendship.

Agree MH and body intertwined.

Candles was thinking same thanks darl 🙂 It might be lino cutting I'm thinking of. (I'll call it that for now) I thought candles I might be able to do similar and cheaper than the lino cutting. In mania when all the ideas happen I've got a few more for art in candles so that's a plus
The beauty of art is it can go on anything at all so I've got a massive market to get it on. Over the yrs with so many episodes I've done bits of research and untold thought, most in my head & some on paper too. That's when I get the groove happening. It's not a passion for me it's more monetary but it is satisfying creating something nice cathartic and more

Always so appreciative of you Peps your support and encouragement, your beautiful, want to see you happy too lovey ((( xxx )))
Oh that clover bubble was for you and Grandy. 1 each sweety lady xx

Grandy when I'm cough "normal" could you please remind me laters about that new thread.

[demonblaster]

Heya gorgeous (( x ))

I walked and got chatting here and there and forgot he was coming but knew when I got up and fluked landing back home before he was going to come but he didn't turn up which was fine.
How grouss did my first video chat with Besty and those faces you can put on while you're talking, oh love technology. Gotta suss data usage but I'm guessing it's not heaps if it's similar to skype but still need to check.

Been working on a Blue voices "why not" whatsy that I'm applying to do (are we ok to talk details here do you know?, like what I'm applying for and what I'd be doing if accepted for it. I was feeling better about it because I know I'm going to do a whopping load for BB in the future as well as in the forums and I'm new there atm. Also been working hrs as well on the post and thanks so much and I actually thought that too there's no hurry which is another break through cause as you'd know in mania we just gotta do it yesterday lol. Really good so far I'm just taking it all calmly and steadily and only a few times needing to settle the excitement. Another break through. Very tired, damned headache meds, should sleep without anymore meds tonight but going to need another head one, that'll be 4 today. I can get some non drowsy cheap but there's only 4 or 8, they dissolve on the tongue, a wafer. Amazing. Drowsy helps though at times.

Eating properly another lovely in mania is I don't go mental on food, but then do in the deeps 🙂 That'll change in time.

Thanks re notes. ? Gremlins but when I select all it only does the paragraph and they can be touchy trying to use the ?handles to cut/copy etc and couple other things too foggy to think

Agree sleepers and doubt I'll need any tonight. I'm SO over addictions and still haven't fully choofed fags got a pkt today but won't tomorrow and food I still have to win over and it'll all happen.

Loven your work with the emojis in the words, the whole lot Grandy. Little Angel Wings., I know,for a while actually probably said before a hundred times I'm sure my darling sent you to me. Imo no one knows for sure and if not it's lovely to think that's why we met.

You be ok Gwandy thweety 🙂

Oh yeah need beddy byes
Nigh night darling
Biggly love little Angel xx

[Ggrand]

Dearest Deebi,

Hello, sweetheart I hope your day is a good day today..Its overcast here a lot of thunder, so far only a few drops of rain has fallen, not even enough to wet the soil...I hope other parts of drought effected areas are getting rain...

Im not sure if we can talk about blue voices here...I don't get no email or offers off them, I'm thinking my area is to isolated, and that makes me sad...

Yeah the headache meds do make me tired as well, but I don't take much, I use otc pain relief first then if not prescribed meds.....Sorry your head hurts, do you try the cool damp cloth?

Deebi, I hope your okay..

Deebi, your wanting to palliative care your friend is something I knew you would want to do, your souls is beautiful Deebi.....Please if you ever need to talk, please do so...I'm here just to talk to you about anything i at anytime or if needed and your feeling down I will try my best to help comfort you...

The card sounds amazing and I know you will do everyone proud..and your friend will treasure it...

I hope today worked out the way you wanted it to do..

Deebi, sweetheart, please be okay....

I think your Love did get us to meet. I'm sure of it...We were meant to help each other, and to have an amazing loving, caring, beautiful, and trusting friendship, that's completely 100% pure gold.....like you my beautiful friend...🌹🦄👼💜🕊 ....

I hope your day was a good day...

L🤗vE Y💜U...very much...🌜👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌛..🦄👼🕊..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy👼🦄....

[demonblaster]

Hiya Grandy ☺ bbs

Peps meant to say in the reply to you re avoidance and distraction and feeling it. Agree and that might be one of the reasons it's so hard to move forward tho the pains keep surfacing. Want to talk on that but my heads not going to work so I'll try for another day. ☺🌹🤗

Hoping you enjoy your week end

[demonblaster]

🤗 Big day G. Unwell friend was there. In closer hospital now so can visit. She looked surprisingly well (not) but said its the make up. Was good, few there.

4 ish hrs solid chat with nearly married bloke. We talk at times It's very heavy. In BP it's too much Grandy & concentrating. I really dont like to shut anyone down esp if opening up so usually don't. Or talking in general but with that I do nicely if I have to go. My God he's had untold majors. I say about my stuff not to his degree (Hear you Peps re comparing ☺) my head does my major mental pain. Talking with him I realise I've been through a lot too but handled that ok. It's beasty rot that's too hard. Different stress

Was getting to the point I couldnt handle it anymore. Was starting to shut down & feeling anger. Sheez didn't like that. Didn't give him grief. Maybe too much heavy. I encourage people if they want to talk and he does anyway. Slowly started to tidy up while we were talking. Enjoy his company he's a good bloke. He took the cue. Moves me when people say stuff they've never told anyone.

Wrecked needed 6 for head in the end & sleeper last night. Woke early. Tried cold pack couple times before didn't help. Neck was very tense which heats usually better for. Not bad now. Thanks for reminder. I can take stronger but worse tiredness. Might in future. Hope less pills. Asked chemist which are best. Think I tried otc & no go. These often don't work. Slight but ok atm

Maybe shorter mania. Beasties trying but ok atm not great

Sweet I don't think you think I was because you 😆 but I wasn't laughing at you about beastie just seeing the 😁 in it 😂 Classic beautiful 👍 Would u tell me if I upset you about anything? Truth. You can

Lot I want to talk about. This has taken hrs it's insane. ,cant do 2 posts. Means the world Grandy you saying I can chat or talk thank you 💗

Thinking a lot on Geoff and Quirkys posts I'll bbl for them.

White Knight. if you're around missing you. Hope alls well. This isn't at all on you. Our convo on people interrupting. I'm guilty of too. Said to unwell friend once tactfully no agro because it was constant over a few calls something like I'll just finish what I'm saying. Needed to be said. Feeling stink now but she hasnt changed towards me

HATE YOU BEASTY!

LOVE YOU GRANDY 💑🤗

[demonblaster]

I'm fine but not sure if I've eaten a meal today yet. Had couple lollies and some chuddy Starts SLD if you're there for another reason (later

Was just was it yesterday saying I've been eating well.

Even if I have it gets like this that I can't remember. Let alone what day it is or date often.

Going to eat now.

[Ggrand]

Good morning beautiful Deebi,

Im pleased your friend is now close enough for you to visit..I understand about trying to listen when your in BP episode, so hard to concentrate, proud of you so very much not shutting him out, you are a really kind hearted person..Nice and tactfull starting to clear up..well done sweetheart, 4 hours wow that’s enough talking about mh issues....I hope your okay today...

Im so sorry about your headaches, I wish they would choof off for you, give you some peace between episodes... so not fair at all for you..😘...

No honey you didn’t upset me...😜🤪..I didn’t know that I wrote that and when I checked my post..I also had a good laugh.🤣😂..I really got to learn to proof read but sometimes my head is mashed potato...

Anytime sweetie, you can talk to me about anything at all if you want to...here or on either of my other threads...doesn’t matter I’ll be always here for you....

Oh please Deebi, you must eat everyday. it’s a must..Deebi..tch..tch...(shaking head) you have to try to be a good girl and eat healthy food daily...... maybe just wash up at evening that way you will know if you ate or not through the day.....maybe you can try...

I hope your okay..It is raining here, has been a light steady rain all night...feels strange with the rain..

Same Deebi, missing Tony a lot...

I hope you enjoyed your dinner last night or was it early this morning....I was up most of last night 😭 but a little better this morning....

I HATE BEASTY SO MUCH..I feel like 🤬 at him..but I don’t swear...

L💕VE Y🤗U...so very much Deebi...

Please be okay and keep me/us updated on where your at in BP...please....🌜🦄💜👼🌛...in it together..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🦄👼..

[demonblaster]

Hi darls. Eternally grateful Grandy everyone here and bb.

That's great to hear you're a little better huns. A little gives us that bit more strength to tell the bully who's boss.

AWESOME! Rain at last and soaking. Mumjo (both) Roos be happy. I imagine it would feel strange 🙂 good change

:) when I read mashed potato at yours. We say Beasty, heard yesterday gremlins. Heard others too.

Thoughts of you when I do dishes. Biggly load when I get there.

Grandy (( x )) crying you being here for me, me for you too lovey. Btw it was 5 attempts I realised not 4 and seconds from 6th. Stuff I'm working on reminded me intent was there. I hadn't included it because nothing happened. It's a wonder I'm still here seriously. Done a lot of foolish things. I know I rave on but Grandy saying you're always there for me, so much easier if it's someone like you and they get it. Love you.

You're a "good girl" honey 🙂 not swearing, when people call me a lady I look around for one

Another headache, taken stronger ones. Thanks for pillow thought, I think it's on bend it forward mainly. Think I have them between episodes too but who'd know. These are bad news but the bang bangs holy moley.

Occasionally as does happen and fortunately he goes with the flow the conversation moves directions. It was a mood drop. I really like him.

BP/status day 8
Struggles. Feeling the thoughts, short cries some bigs. Trying to remember to breathe through. Not feeling great but considering not too bad. I'm starting to feel more mental strength for now anyway.

At 30% (thinking, contemplate or worse). About 65% ish now. 100% in mania :D. I can do this. Hurts but as long as I'm not in the 30%. Not as many thoughts so far. Few beasty and reality mortality thoughts but not the 30%. The recent light bulb moment, I'm onto something and even that hasn't budged to make my mind up fully but when I work more on the post maybe some answers might come to help. Next mania I might have some more insight.

The BV (Bluevoices) want to get that zstuff finished before 13th Sept. About 3/4's through

No day sleeping, tried once but didn't happen other day, have to soon cause of meds.

Grandy love your surprises :D. reasons keep going (( x ))

Thanks listening

[demonblaster]

Hey darls just blurted this at yours after reading how you are darling, hold tough sweety we're gunna get this. bought it here. I'm settling now. I’m heaps better now was having an anxiety attack. I’m just editing a little sorry for the mess. I”m nearly normal just the head bad but not bang I’ll see GP again
I'm not doing very well atm, the stress is high but breathing through and can get through the emotions /thoughts just. The whole body goes tight with stress at times, use to moreso in type 1. Reckon I could crack a coconut open on the muscles. it's pretty hairy atm. lay down head just short of bang bang actually it was starting. Damn pills haven't worked. I'm not in the 30% but this is crap I'll be ok just gotta keep at it. Lay down and was thinking about a really rough pub I was going in Sydney post junkie so I did handle it all but ended up there lost for a few mths and wasn't mindful thinking non stop about how I was treated there by several mutts. I must have a sign on head saying give me your best I'm ok just getting some stuff out, going to have a hot shower soon eat and go to bed early but I'll do some breathing and the other attached to it 3d stuff. Was nursing Palliative care which in itselfs incredibly heavy physically and mentally but could mostly handle that but gambling was an issue then and heavy on what I told you in why not was pretty wild and doing other wrong things for a buzz and was getting over a VERY painful breakup with boyfriend the one that used me but he has a lot of good
Anyway point is I guess that was the aftermath of the storm going to that pub. I usually am not comfy in pubs, that was rough as then and they were rough. It was about 7/8 separate incidences that I was thinking of, starting to calm down now.
I'm keeping an eye on it but had some niggly chest pain, think anxiety not heart, no other heart symptoms but will ring ambo to check in case IF it hangs around. Smoking also I noticed and could be that this is 4 th day. Not saying not buying tomoz again, let ya know when I've stopped. Just digging the hole deeper, really slacks me off but started today working on a post about that and in the process more thought happens which helps
big day tomoz probs need sleeper tonight have MH bloke tomoz can miss new MH group if need be then my lovelies kinda have to go cause of miscommunication that I don't think was my fault this time anyway