Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi.....

DITTO....special friend....your soul is pure gold...and

DITTO...I love you very much..🌜🦄🌛..your Magic... sweet friend.

Sweetheart you rest up all you need..I can wait for as long as it takes for you to be well again...🕊🦋🌹..I need to sort out my 💼 Tonight...it's all messy...😁😉.. that will keep me busy tonight..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy🦄👼..

Deebi you always in my 💜..

[demonblaster]

It's so good hearing that Grandy thank you 💜 love you 🤗

Dear Peps for the warm choccy milk and choccies the other day and SLD for choccy and dropping in and Mandy like I said you have a warm calming presence. You're beautiful people. Been keeping an eye on you all.

😭 a lot tonight. I feel useless alone and inadequate to put it mildly. It's wrong to think like this but what's the bloody point. Miss my darling something awful, over the worst but it gets ya at times. Still off the durries. My lifes get up.. eventually, take other pills, walk eat (putting on friggen weight) sleep. Whoop whoop. Lunched with good friend & with another soon. Saw MH bloke. Didnt go to mh group again or the bbq. Did to tt. Like/love but feel alone. Have withdrawn but was ok. Grandy I talk to you more than anyone in my life on a daily or nearly. Too dependant I know. You're a people magnet because you're so lovely. Don't ever doubt yourself hun.

Joined Bluevoices to try and do some back. Burst out crying other day, hadnt done anything then a whooptee 10 min survey. Not much point being there either. Was ok, was even ok in my own company for a couple wks with occasional outs.

I'll be ok Mandy/Grandy youse kindly said if I need to talk. I don't know what I'm sposed to be doing and for sure not helping anyone.

Feeling pretty crap atm, headache and can't stop tears.

Don't think it's anything with meds, this is how it is sometimes. Not happy not sad just here.

Thanks 🤗🕊

[Guest8901]

Oh Deebi, I knew you were doing it tough right now, but I wasnt aware just how tough. I'm sorry, I should have known, given how quiet you've been lately.

Yes I am happy to talk if it would help. But please do not concern yourself about your thoughts that you are of no use to anybody else. At present dont even allow yourself to think about that. Plenty of time to do that later, when you're feeling more capable of giving more of yourself.

Good on you though for joining Bluevoices. I joined it when I first signed up to the Forums. I too have done a few surveys, but little else. But even those relatively small contributions are helpful in the larger scheme of things.

Dont forget that you already make a huge contribution here as a valued contributor. And have done so for a long time. You may be a little quiet in that area right now, but I think you have plenty of brownie points already earned. You are entitled to a bit of down time occasionally.

So please do not berate yourself Deebi, it is totally unwarranted.

Take time out if you need it. Talk here if you want to. Please take care of you right now. Your many loving and grateful supporters will always be here for you.

Love and care to you my very dear friend.

Amanda 💕💕

[demonblaster]

You're a lovely friend Mandy thank you for being here and your time 🤗

I was ok just stepping back for a bit but it all swamped tonight. Pretty fragile but these headaches make everything seem worse.

Been keeping eye on you too lovey boyo you poor darling been in the wars, so hope your still in recovery. I too am very glad you didnt have those meds too 🤗

Love to you too darlin and thanks again hun ☺😙🕊

[Ggrand]

Hello Dearest Deebi,

Awe Deebi, Honey, I sensed that you were struggling, I should have known, I'm really sorry, your in a such a terrible bad place..Please trust me/us Deebi to give you the care and love you so much deserve.

Sweetheart, I'm really sorry your struggling so hard with missing your love..I can really relate to that so much and your daily life and what you have described is also my life..it's hard Deebi, I know. I so wish I could take your hurt away, be there with you, be your r/l friend,hurts a lot that I can't be...We are good for each other..One without the other doesn't work.

Awe Deebi....I honestly think that there will be times that you will get overwhelmed with missing him..Mine has been gone 5 years now, but still there are days that I miss him so much and get that overwhelmed that I want to scream because there's just no way to get him back...Deebi, the thoughts/feelings of being useless and inadequate are just that thoughts, You are so useful Deebi, You are here on BB..You have to trust me..I've listened to the people you talk to, and you give them as well as me a feeling of comfort, care and love when you talk to our other lovelies and others..Believe and have faith in what I'm telling you...Truth Deebi..You are so useful...to soo many here and r/l.

Deebi I absolutely love you talking to me..l don't see anyone for 6 days a week...I don't talk to anyone 6 days a week that's the truth Deebi..I look forwards to you talking to me. I hold back talking to you a lot because I'm really scared that I will become a nuisance and pest and you will get bored with me.

Deebi, You were going on outs to lunch etc with your friends and you enjoyed it..your tt is something that you so very much enjoy doing..umm I even enjoyed listening to your outs, it made me feel a part of your life, like I belonged to someone..Your so really special to me Deebi.

Thoughts remember to try to stop them before they get to the stronghold.

I joined BB and have only had one survey offered to me..I couldn't complete that one because I couldn't understand the questions...I felt so bad about that..you completed your survey..I couldn't.

Please be okay Deebi , I can't do this without you.

Breaks my heart your hurting so much..If you need/want to talk about anything sweetheart, cooking, tv, fantasy, or whats making you hurt...Please do so...I'll always be here for for you..I won't ever give up on trying to help you find peace.

Love you Deebi.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy🦄👼.

[Guest8901]

Thanks Deebi. 😄

There is little question that physical pain makes our mental distress much worse. And you have been dealing with consistent pain for many months now. Shoulder, achillies, migraine, etc. Add to that a deep heartache for your dear lost love, which is an actual physical pain too, and you have a whole lot of pain.

Im really sorry you are feeling so fragile tonight. Crying a lot is exhausting too. I know because I've been doing a lot of that myself the past couple of days.

Dont hesitate to call a helpline if things get too deep. I will check in on you through the night. You are very low right now, but that just means there is a lot of scope for improvement. Hang in there, okay?

Amanda 💕

[demonblaster]

You're so beautiful and thank you too Grandy for being here for me, geez I've been ok just kinda empty I guess but not depressed as such or happy just here and one day turns into another.

That's right one doesnt work without the other ☺🤗 Never ever could or would I get bored with you sweety you don't know how much you mean to me. How beautiful you liked hearing bout the outs what a honey. You are such a light in my life you'll never know. Love you very much lady 🕊💑

Thanks for what you said, easier talking to people I know here but appreciated 💜

I want to help but feel completely useless Grandy, I'll wait a while longer and if nothing I'll exit.

Dunno just feel really emotional, not depressed as such just keep crying but I get like that sometimes do you? Different to depression.

Grandy please look after yourself I get stupid scared of losing people I love and care about 😢 and you're in such a hard place. I too wish we could be rl. We meet people everywhere we go, some stay short times some are a blink of the eye I hope we're lifers 🤗☺

Yeah tomoz might play in fantasy and read some self help books. Finished a fiction got a couple more at op shop, thought of you. I always look out for Pauls Claire Weeks too.

Thank you dear Grandy I'll have a med or 2 and bed soonish. Much love and thanks again

🌜💜💑🌛

🌹🕊

[demonblaster]

You lovely darling too 💜 🤗

Thanks so much. What intelligent wise words "You are very low right now, but that just means there is a lot of scope for improvement " very true darlin. I will be ok lovey it just seemed to get the better of me. As mentioned to Grandy I don't feel depressed as such, it could be a not smoking emotional hit too.

Yes it is exhausting isnt it crying, feel like a wreck and stuffin head!

Thanks for being so caring and when you both are doing it so hard, I need to learn from you both.

Love darlin, hope your sleeps a better more restful one and that your days better tomoz, you too Grandy sweetheart 💗

Grandy btw the mousse was superb, god you're a treasure, you both are 🕊🦄⚘

[Ggrand]

Good Morning Sunshine...beautiful friend...

How are you feeling this morning ?... I hope your better then yesterday...Dear friend..

Umm can I just talk to you for a minute beautiful Deebi..💜

Deebi. .., a week or two ago I was talking to you about you needing people/ friends in real life......Just talking to you now Deebi...I'm really sorry if I say something wrong, but wanting to help you...Your a people's person, you like being with people and they pull you up.... you need people in your life, because you are a very affectionate and caring person and you like to chat with friends...

Honey.. you started withdrawing from life.."stepping back".. I noticed that when you started to do this..you also started to be overwhelmed with sadness and I think your in normal depression...not BP mixed depression....I do cry a lot i remember bad things happened that I try but can't forget. So truth is yes I cry a lot..Most times I can stop a downer but not always....I'm wondering lovely lady if you have gone into a depression downer by a trigger? and that's why you are isolating yourself...

Umm. Maybe your new mental health group, Im thinking honey that when you being the caring person you are and when you stood up for the fellow in the group. Maybe this was the start of your sadness. maybe this triggered the sadness your feeling....I don't remember you saying that your still going to that group or if you went after that incident...However you did say you enjoyed it and thought it was helping you..If I'm wrong I'm really sorry..

Please Deebi you have to be okay, and hard it might be but maybe you can try to have an out with a lovely friend, or go for a little walk where you know you might see one of your lovely friends, then have a nice chat with them...

Deebi....I am so scared as well, because everything good in my life, doesn't stay, and I get fealty frightened that you will leave me or here. and I'll never find you again..., 😭 Just thinking about it while I'm writing it out...lifers please Deebi..💜🌹🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🦋🦄👼..


Okay darling I need to try to sleep now...lol I won't tell you the time of morning it is.....I just couldn't sleep...I wanted to talk to you was worried about you....

Love you very much and giving you big soul healing hugs..🤗🤗🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy🦄👼xxx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely DB and all,

Oh DB, I know you miss your late darling. I don’t think we ever stop missing loved ones...sighs, your heart must ache so much...

You sound very deflated and disheartened lately, which must be painful for you. I get a sense that maybe you feel as though you’re just going through the motions: wake up, eat, sleep, repeat...it must be difficult to feel that way...

I like the plans you had like reading self help books, etc. Hopefully they helped to take your mind off things and maybe even gave you a little hope...

More choccie bars (free!) plus super soul hugs and much love,

Pepstar xoxo