Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

😀 biggest smile could find huns how beautiful world breaking news gee me too Grandy haha that was so nice. Bbl doing extras with volunteer with special group, today cancer cuppa

Still recovering Grandy, takes so long. Bit fragile but ok mostly atm

Haha Peps love this muckin around bbl lovely x

[demonblaster]

Looks like I'm not out yet, can't stop the 😢 and gotta go out. It'll pass but friggen when !

Love you thank you 🤗

Now they're pouring out

[startingnew]

💝⚘💖🌻❤🌺

[Ggrand]

Dearest Sweetest Deebi,,

Breathe sweetheart, don't think about your thoughts that got you crying..We can do this..together. hold my 🤝..So over this hurting Deebi, I'm ok with me I don't care that I hurt . But Deebi, when I hear your hurting and 😭 the hurt goes deeper..

Take a hug and love from our balloons honey,

When you step outside, just stand there iAnd look at the clouds watch how they are moving, changing there shape, what can you see in the clouds Deebi? What's up their..concerntrate on them.. Then feel the fresh clean cool air as it goes through your nose, down your throat and into your lungs, then breathe out all your sadness and stress, saying relax on your exhale each time..Listen to the songs of nature, the delight sounds of the magpie, the sweet chirping of the finches and smaller birds...Smell the autumn air, how fresh and clean it is...Look for some beautiful autumn leaves,,,collect them, feel them...🍂🍃🍂🍃.

Im right there with you today honey. I'll not never let you go..Please think of me holding your hand today,,I'm their my thoughts, my care and my love have all entered your soul today..Please be okay..Deebi..

Love you Deebi..Please hun wear your Deendy broach..today..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Grandy and other beautifuls

I'm NOT going to act on it and atm not having thoughts etc like before. I'm so sorry this is hard on yous. Hate you 😢. I'm such a mess atm. Conflicted, deeply disappointed in myself. Functioning but crap head space. Enjoyed special group time, met with a friend for lunch, neither lots of people contact liffed me. SO tired and probs had more sleep this time than usual but still few nights BA. I'm so strong on wanting to do this without meds and believe I can, still on one they definately didnt make any difference. I'm really stubborn on not meds but eventually did not that they helped, tbh I see them as a bandaid. Today I've almost decided to try more. Not angry with anyone or even myself just SO over being so bloody low. I doubt I'll get the help I want but need it so badly. It takes so long to recover, thought I was over it and in recovery, so all that positive recently was another short mania apparently going by how I am today. 😭 now. I can talk to people but just couldnt pull my mojo today but same they wouldnt have known but I did talk briefly to a couple of closer friends told them thoughts meds.I DON'T WANT TO but not sure if I can hack this anymore. How do you convince someone that in the mania is how I can function a normal life, how its sposed to be. I'm not outta control in it and rational but this its just too hard. I've put on weight, dug a hole so deep smoking its too hard to give up atm under this duress. 😭 Its bs living like this. How the hell would I be if I didnt have till today have people contact that I lift in their company. Today it over ruled.

I don't know anymore. I'll be ok, always am

Grandy Sez yous are amazing, that would have been really hard.

Love you Grandy I don't know what to do but not going to act on.

Not going out tonight and have tomorrow free, seeing GP fri can't come soon enough.

Living I've done recently it was great until today not lifting and really down, tears have stopped for now. Feel like a haggard witch. Had a few day sleeps and good night ones, this mutts not letting go!

Might ring MH dunno see how it goes. One word one sentence can change things MH chook said I could temporarily do meds, I'm thinking maybe to sort putting the coping strats with help I need someone to organize me.

Friggen over this shit!

Thank you listening and sorry x

[Guest8901]

Awww Deebs! You poor dear. I am so sorry. Like you, I had hoped you'd come through the worst of it. But seemingly not so. Besides the flood of tears telling you that you're still not feeling great, its also so damned exhausting isnt it?

Here I am talking about giving up the ADs. I've been on them 3 months and dont really believe they've made any difference. Still anxious, still depressed and still get the SI and dark thoughts. Only difference between now and 3 months ago, is that I dont believe I would act on those thoughts now. Unlike back then. 😢

But Deebs, I gave the ADs a go, and proud of myself for having done so. I know they're fantastic for some, and certainly would not knock them at all for those they work well for. Its just that for me, I have always been very anti drugs of any sort, so its very hard for me.

I'm glad to see that you have an appointment with your GP on Friday. Perhaps you can have a solid discussion about the meds they recommend for BP. I realise there are mood stabilisers and anti psychotics likely involved. But I also know that specially prescribed and targeted medication is still the most effective way to treat and manage bipolar disorder.

You have been going through such a difficult time Deebs and you are doing everything right in order to get yourself through it. But it just doesnt seem enough right now. So perhaps giving meds a trial is an option worth trying. You can always cease the treatment after a reasonable period of time, if you dont think its helping.

I feel so helpless listening to your thoughts, and so wish there was something useful I could do. But its up to you Deebs - you have to do whats right for you. Take the advice of your GP. You trust him/her and your MH advisor, dont you?

Sending you kind thoughts, healing wishes and a kit bag full of all the things you need to help you through this latest period of sadness. Always happy to listen Deebs, so feel free to unleash any time. No apology necessary.

Mandy xx

[Ggrand]

Dearest Deebi..

Please don't.. I'm scared for you...your stronger then beasty....Please ring the Mental Health Line. I use this number when I need to talk. It's 24/7 and so good Deebi, they are professionals you talk to.. 1800 011 511..and you can usually get the same person if you ring more then once a day..and they will ring you back..I'm not sure if you have used this number before, Deebi, please hun. don't think about it, if you need to talk Please ring them now..

I will bbl not to long, just need to find myself..

love you Deebi, please be okay and be strong. Shoo , beasty away..shoo ....go...away...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy...

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Please be okay..I sent a post, not landed yet. I will write another soon because, I'm scared for you..more then usual..love you..

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello Dearest Deebi,

Please don't ever be sorry for speaking.. Deebi awe honey, don't be deeply disappointed in you, your trying hard so hard..Deebi, please consider meds, even temporarily, have a try, your doing it to hard without, You should be so very proud of yourself, going without meds for so long,,It's hard to do it alone..Come on honey what have you got to loose by trying meds for a while....

Deebi, I'm pleased you enjoyed yourself at outs today..but once your home poor sweetheart we feel the downs coming to hardto do alone😢.. remember Ive got you,, not letting you go.... I know hun, mania and downs different poles aye, north versus south..

Thoughts are important, I'm trying to learn ..we have 4 different levels of thoughts...1) thought..2) high thoughts..3 Argument..4). Stronghold.. I'm reading but it's not sinking in, but it makes sense, I need to learn Deebi, maybe this will help us with. [IT] xx..I'm getting so angry 😡 with beasty and what's it's doing to us..

Your a beautiful,exceptionally caring, compassion lovely lady..not what you said Deebi..😢..Deebi I ring Mental Health 24/7 number, they are excellent and are linked up to my psych & Dr..They are professional councillors..do you ring these.? I'm going to sit with you tonight. I am worried about you..Deebi, I'm hoping mixed emotions today, hoping for you tomorrow with more sleep 😴 Start the ups again...

Im still in deep, Moreso because of the other Morning ..But i use these forums to help me...If I clam up, I know I'm in trouble because it means I have stopped fighting and get that trapped feeling....Talking here helps.me....takes a long time to post but my minds is thinking here only...

Please Deebi, talk to me if you need to, I am here for you always...Im not going anywhere tonight or tomorrow either. So please if you need/ want to talk..i won't be far away from these forums..xx😌..

Ill be back later tonight, to make you a hot chocolate drink with some chocolate flake shavings on top of frothy milk .. rest now, sleep if you can, But please be okay..

Love you Deebi 💜.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹 Grandy..

🙋 hello everyone else..

[demonblaster]

Thank you girls your support means the world

About to start this when a new friend from MH groups rang. In bad shape. She said it helped but she's not good. A friend he holds & copes has tried. We always have a good laugh. 3 others I talk to or see are walking the line. Harder when you know them. least got them both laughing at times so distraction, listened too and understand. Not sure how this ones going to go, her kids are keeping her here. Sad world for such a lovely lady saying shes never had someone thats been so kind apart from support workers. PEOPLE! some anyway. I tell them about here and everyone I talk to

Wanted to tell youse I'm better again sigh up and down like a bloody yo yoe got bit over an hr sleep, haggard but better and I think talking here helped too ty 💗

Mandy glad you get it about pills. Been over this a long time but there's so much you can take so it WILL be temporary but I will pills daghh!!

Have a script but not if it'll add weight. Scared they'll put me into another mania, now that's saying something, god gimme them they're when I function properly but damn the cursing downs

Huge thinking to take them.

A chook about my age, up till 5 yrs ago with meds NEVER knew happiness ever. At least I have the ultimate & happies betweens. I have to think what it'd do to others so thats holding me. Having started reaching out again I think now I'll get help I need. It is happening so haven't given up just gotta get thoughts out, none today but it was deeper in a different way had that before often. Still enjoyed it but not underneath. Broke down at home

You know I really do care so much about yous and everyone here just gotta get through this one 💗🤝. R we there yet.

Love yous. Be proud of yourselves helping people like yous do. Magic 💗🌟🌹💜