Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Peppermintbach]

Here is my “get well” present for you:

Lightning, rain and thunder to light up the sky...

3 and 4 leaf clovers...

Blue butterflies...

And 100 chocolate bars...

All from the (ever) expanding Pepper Empire. Completely free of charge ❤️

Don’t worry, no need to reply to me if you’re not feeling up to it. Iunderstand and get it.

Soul hugs and love,

Pepper xoxo

[Guest8901]

So pleased to hear from you Deebs, I was becoming worried about you.

Take all the time you need. Lots of self care .. okay?

Much love to you.

Mandy 💜🌹🤗

[demonblaster]

Thanks so much you amazing people, all of you, I doubt but hope yous know what your tremendous support means.

Will get back individually later, thanks Peps tho I feel same as you, when people give their time and effort I like to reply 🤗 but do appreciate that and OMG the choccy/ssss 😚

I'm not sure if earlier post will land, ok if not, working on BP update.

Rough for a while this morning, going back again to sleep soon but got another hold up. Ragged. Said to Doc amongst tears that I cant say I hate BP cause of the mania but seriously its too friggen often but at least now some big improves. Been rough in patches but haven't had the deep depression, hate to say but this isnt finished yet. Gotta get the mindset back. I didnt this morning just let it get on top of me. Lovely bloke the doc was a real sweety & a couple of helpful comments, When I see him again next wk for mhcp I'll suss any other support and soon joining another MH support group.

Saw 2 of my special groups and got a few hugs, which these ones dont usually or occasionally so that was touching and they were so happy to see me, vice versa so that & other people contact lifted me. Feeling more whacked than anything else, not feeling great but not deeps either. If I didn't have crash think I would've got thru this best ever so getting there & know more after say the next 3.

Archilles for foot got some excercises to do and also for fascil? tendon to stretch it to help as well Grandy and he said also same as you said about building instep.

Sides could be a weakness in muscles that flare on certain movement & ultrasound in case lypomas interferring. Havent had blood tests yet, hope to be able to arrange both same day.

Nice cya Random hope you doing ok huggems back 🤗 and to you all.

Thanks kind caring people 🤗

[Guest8901]

Deebs

💜🌹🤗

Mandy

[Sapphire_]

Hello lovely Deebi.

Just popping in to say im thinking of you. Missin ya. Just a quicky to let ya know im here.

Srry to see your going through another bp down. I hope its not as bad as last one.

💙Sapphire xx

[demonblaster]

**** ...? Triggers ****

Thanks Sapphire 🌹

Be better after more sleep got a couple hrs sarvo still wrecked, normal the mutt it takes wks for recovery.

Not great but ok. What's new. Look I'm not planning exactly just saying how it is. Doubts are never too far away. I'll be ok. Just need to vent again.I know its beasty so helps knowing

So screwed up about pretty much everything. Easy to put it all in too hard basket, looks like I've done that most of my life. Beasty has only hate and makes us feel it. I've got love too so I'm kinda on top

Thoughts still and how. I don't want to be a statistic but in these times it becomes a choice at times. Ok and not planning to atm. Were lessening a bit.

Choices

1. Stay how it is and suffer during episodes. The inbetweens usually I get happies back. Not last one tho
2. Keep working on it. Be Happy more often
3. Leave. Have thoughts and how too often but no intentions

Can/do pull up esp around people. Appear happy on the outside. This isnt the deeps so ok. Chooky said other day when I mentioned in relation to convo I was feeling bad too, that I seem so happy. Even in the extreme deeps can pull up, joke laugh etc so at least while I can maybe I'll be ok but in attempt times (In the Black) I could too a chunk of the time. Its wearing me down.

I'll be ok when I get caught up sleep. Can joke, muck around laugh in these times so thats a good

I don't want this crap anymore and starting to make progress.That should be enough. Geesh how much though! It'd hurt too many people and partner and his sister fought for their lives. They're what hold me for now

I'll be happier when I can get the option outta my head.

I'm on saying this still feeling some strength but it got/getting squashed. Talking cause I had a dark moment again before.

It can't happen I know but would like to have a few mths in hospital or somewhere with intensive therapy.

I'm ok just needed to talk. Over this rot! Its in me, its in us all or most anyway I believe.

This ones still better than most. Going to bed.

Thanks listening, sorry its a down.

I'LL self report.

Going to be ok in the next few days, its just too friggen often. Over it!

Promise I'm ok just needed to get it out. Tomorrow with more sleep it'll be better.

Thanks listening 🌹

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Im sorry for hijacking your thread yet again... But I'm concerned for you and need to give you another reason..

I re read most of your Why Not thread last night, as I needed to....and what I read from the first post to the last past gives and others a really good reason to not to...

Your reason...You are one amazing lady..You have helped so many people on their journey through this horrid Depression...That is reason..You have made a difference in the lives of other people....One person can make a difference, hun and you have and do...Do you know the story of the starfish?

The Starfish Story...

"As an old man walked along the beach, he saw a boy pickup Starfish and flinging them into the sea.

He asked the boy “Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?”

The boy answered “The Starfish would die if left stranded on the beach.”

Confused, the old man said “But the beach goes on for miles and there are thousands of starfish. You can’t make a difference”

The boy looked at the Starfish in his hand, tossed it into the ocean and said “I made a difference for that one.

The boy is reaching out and helping the starfish to live.....as you are here to people.....Every starfish he through back in start to live again.......every person you reach out to and talk to are also beginning to live again..

Deebi, your needed here because you are who you are .. you may be one person but one person (you). can and does make a huge difference when they reach out to help others...

You make a difference Deebi..🦄💜🌹..

Sleep Well Sweet Deebi..

Love you Deebi.💜🌹.

Please be okay.

Love and respect..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy..

[demonblaster]

5.30am woke. IT hasn't let go yet. Going deeper in but the strength that surfaced this cycles helping. I'm at a make or break turning point. I have more strength now but yin/yan. The wrong thoughts are more often too. Knowing its IT (depression) helps. It doesn't like improvements,im not fighting as such anymore but it plays dirty

Thoughts often of what Starwolf said for most its not that we want to die its the pain we want to stop. Resolves stronger now but need to work more on it. Looking at positives Doolsy 🤗 helping

I get some stuff i read or hear straight away. The blocks in motivation affect physical/mental. Some info's literally taken yrs, so evidentally I'm listening it's acting on it. Complete lucid times that appear mostly to be in mania when my brain works efficiently I made valuable progress in a few, on more thought couple of minutes this cycle although the clarity dissipated it looks like at least strength & stronger resolves stayed Beasties very persuasive in these times

Trying to steer the thoughts in manias mammoth. Instead of other projects I'll try to focus on using it for MH which happens automatically often anyway. Easily distracted in "normal" times too. It's short bursts so I go with it then guide back, same with meditation.

Mania is hard for others yes. Over the yrs I've got it down still long way to go but seems to be easier on them.They know me as happy and unless I say, most dont know I'm in BP up or down.

Want to get diagnosis/s from clinical psych then considering which I really don't want to ,not sure the reason that before was said twice. She is tho very good and knows me and the general stuff I've talked about

I'm in a financial hole atm so might try and find a psych around here or close for CBT, & see other at times. A counsellor & this psych said I pretty much do it but need more help so will, maybe get diagnosis/s later. Not sure but think you can only change psychologists twice a yr? Starts or anyone know? psychiatrist different amounts?

Pretty much crap atm but not all the time which is improves too. It'll pass need bulk more sleep. This took about 4 hrs but I'm happy it's legible (hope 🙂) learning from you good people. Practice and to not repeat. Getting there

[demonblaster]

You're starting to leave me 😢

[Guest8901]

Nobody's leaving you Deebs, certainly not Karen. We are all here for you if or when you need any or all of us.

Some of us may not post here as much because we are not sure what it is you want or need. Do we keep posting? Or do we give you some space? Its hard for me to know. I dont want to put unnecessary pressure on you to feel you have to respond when you're not feeling up to it. But I also want you to know I am always thinking of you, and praying that you'll be okay.

Is the hospital option you spoke of earlier, a realistic option for you? If it is, can you please look further into making it happen. It may be just what you need right now.

Please ... no pressure to respond. A brief post every couple of days so we all know you're okay is adequate. Please take good care now my beautiful friend.

💜🌹🤗

Mandy