Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi caring DB and all,

You’re clearly having a very rough time. Beastie seems to be out and about again and trying to pull you down...

Also your friend was (and is) lucky to have you by his or her side. You’re a wonderful person...

I’m glad you have figured out some strategies to try to manage the darkness and other pains and struggles. You sound very exhausted and overwhelmed at the moment...

I admire your resolve to be upfront about how you’re feeling. That isn’t easy to do...

Sending love and warmth. Take your time with things...as always, the darkness will eventually pass.

Super soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

BP day ?15 I think

Ok just had a struggle but pulling out. [IT⚘ was only a quicky. If chooky comes as we planned yesterday I'll have 3 lots of different friend & activity today.

I'm trying not to feel thoughts but the hards are starting more. Being around peoples holding me but going into the pointy end. Gotta keep doing what I've done so far. NOT let self pity take over that's the undoing. I CAN do this but it gets so damned frightening, can't talk anymore atm cause its taking me down again. Pulled up soon after.

I've put myself into rot with smoking and just gotta another pkt WILL & CAN, just the hardest time under duress but HAVE to. The poo im in is stressing me biggly but atm can't think on it. There's a solution but not yet. It's kinda like self harm smoking. One of beasties tools but I've got tools too & slowly finding & learning to use. Wolfy you move me 🌹 If only I could have that epiphany back but at least the jigsaw bits are scattered but there.

Grandy hoping you'll see my held up post which may not go through re CC.

Soz if anyone says something & wants a reply chances are I've forgotten or I'll say if I can't reply so plz remind me. Sorry Grandy I was checking back to see if other post landed and meant to answer bout Darts.

I remember those horrids hurting you 😤and using you. I think if you go armoured in knowing what they're like, don't have any expectations from them but it'll be good people contact for you and you're so strong starting to move forward so if it doesn't stress you too much and maybe say you have health issues that you can't commit to all the time if you feel the anxiety could be too much sometimes. If they ask what, if you're up to it you could say MH & anxiety. What do you think?

I'll reply bit later, thankyou Peps, Wolfy Grandy, just back from outs. Breath movie very good. Simon Baker.

S for suicidal or close to is a mess but at least shes starting to get help. I'm reading her, listening, do understand & trying to help but shes hard to get through to so taking it at her pace, cheered her up a few times had her laughing. Gave her bb number but I get it she said she clams up, said tell them to ask questions. Shes got strong survival I told her sis who's a good friend if she ever talks suicide take notice. Hard to know but at least for now think she won't. Bloke I fell for also walking close to line.

Going to try for sleep soon

💜💑 Grandy 🤗 you ok?

[demonblaster]

Ggrand said:

It should have stayed on this thread..

Do you want to talk about it lovey? I think I know. The person is encouraging and supportive if it's what I think 🤗

One of the friends I really love today she's straight forward and heart of Gold. (I'll call her Gold friend) I said I'm in BP, she said gently I knew from your text, it was then I finished for her laughing cause she hesitated which was beautiful and I said all over the place. I love she knew.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

I went straight down,,,zap....Can't talk, because I don't want anyone hurting....because I care for other person a lot..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜Grandy😢.

[startingnew]

hey DB

your sounding busy. just popping in to sen some hugs. feeling abit flat and cant get the cogs to turn properly to say much. oh and dropping off some timtims- the ones in the blue pkt (double coated ones) mint ones and also a few choccies too

[Guest8901]

Karen 😢 💜 🤗 🌹

Hi Deebs, sorry to gatecrash your thread. Something I needed to do - I'm such a thoughtless idiot. Hope you're doing okay? You said you were pulling out of this one quickly, really hope thats the case.

Very few words right now. Perhaps, under the circumstances, thats best.

Amanda 💜

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, Amanda,

Amanda, I know that your a kind,caring,thoughtful,and supportive person...So please sweetheart don't ever put yourself down like that...it hurts me when you tell me that about you..

Amanda...I'm sorry, I really am...If I can just explain my thoughts and feelings please...please don't get upset..I'm only talking as I would with you face to face...just need to talk and I think as friends we should be able to do so without putting ourselves down to each other or blaming ourselves for something that I should have been able to handle..and not be so sensitive and emotional about..

When I read that in your thread I plummeted..the reason was..I wasn't ready for that to leave this thread..I was only thinking about the volunteer job for later on maybe as I am not ready yet...i was only thinking....and was after Deebi's opinion on my thoughts of volunteering, because I trust her so much....I know most of the people Deebi's thread who post here and I'm comfortable with them with my thoughts..What I don't understand and what upset me is why you took this out of here to comment on your thread, when you could have commented here in this thread easier, and it would have stayed here....The people supporting you, I don't know them very well and im not that comfortable with my thoughts and them...When I read it on your thread it made me feel, sick, stupid,dumb for even thinking I am worthy of such a position.. because I was only thinking about it..

Amanda I hope you understand and your not angry with me and more importantly not upset with you...... remember I care a lot for you..🤗💜🌹..

Deebi I am sorry I'm so weak and went down fast, I'm sorry I upset Amanda and possibly you as well... I'm just all confused and sorry about everything...

Grandy..😢

[demonblaster]

Shame. sigh geez frustrating for you I imagine, urgh.i'm not sure who you could talk to lovey in that situation and I can see it's a big issue for you, 💜

Ok I 👂🏻 and c the post ✈ landed lol, Love your posts sheer brilliance & humour makes my days

It's brilliant,Being in transition. I guess cause things are changing which makes me feel better for not only obvious reasons and reinforces my most of life beliefs I.was stupid which I know now I'm not but takes time to convince beasty and all its mates makes ya appear that way but at least having more understanding of depression. helps with knowing its and other stuff causing it.

I've got a few clues to ? Other stuff like ? PTSD, OCD I'm pretty sure, dependent personality disorder if thats the right terminology. I know anxiety in BP tho making good progress on calm, which is helping handle the stress. I'm mostly not too bad but it does rev ya, hate that tension but for the most this time its been minimal stress.

Whacked. Got 2ish hrs sarvo sleep. No allniters and not as many nights with little sleep but exhaustions starting to set in which is coming down and off it which I need. Good having social and need it but a fair bits been unexpected which people time first but was going to sleep a couple of times. All good

Starts how thoughtful bringing the faves chocs would you like one, cuppa I mean 😆 yes you've certainly been having a rough trot darls, been thinking about you 🤗 thanks for dropping in darling 😚 hope your hands on improve and tum

Peps hiya sweet thang thanks too hun for your beautiful caring support. I was going ok but not so good atm

Mandy thats harsh, i know youd never intentionally cause harm. Try not to😭 be so hard on yourself.

I dont know anymore. It just keeps happening, one minute its good then goes to hell. I feel shit atm. Not gunna do anything bad might have a break for a while. Maybe just read dunno pretty low

Thanks loves don't worry about me just gotta sort myself

[Guest_1584]

Hiya db just dropping in to c how ur doin and say hello.

Nic eto see your getting a bit of sleep at least too. Funny on that one l've been trying to get back to normal hours , like sleep by 12 or 1 max and trying to get 6 or 5 h . Been at it a month now and be damned l slept in the other morng till 1/2 9 . Think l got 8 or 9 hrs that night.It's all very strange to what l'm use to and l really miss the night , 12 or 1 comes around sooooo fast , damn it. But it's working and l'm dropping off easier and easier every night now so keep at it eh.

No expert but seems lot of good in your last post db and good for you even if your feeling a bit of a turn again now. 1 step forward yaknow , sometimes even two right. Hang in there .

Huggems. rx.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Please be okay, I'm so concerned about you. Dependant personality disorder, yes that's the name, and it's something that I have been diagnosed with..I am so dependent on you, I can't think about not hearing from you daily.

Deebi, , please honey, talk to me..Have I caused this for you?..

I won't leave you ever..I never would even think about doing that...ever.. if the other I was thinking about, meant I would have less time with you, I wouldn't do it...

Thank you for your advise on Darts, They will no doubt call me again, so I will tell them what you said to say about MH and no promises for turning up weekly...

I feel I caused this.. I get mixed up at times, I'm sorry,

Love you so much and care so much...Please be okay..

I won't go down anymore, I will be a stronger person for you...