Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Thanks Deebi,

The emoji are good to go thank you very much for that. That means so much to me..I never know who thumbs up, so never really know if you or not...This will help to calm me some....You mean so much more to me, then you ever can imagine Deebi..💜..

Sitting again quietly with you.. holding hands and ready to help you shoo beasty away..

Please be okay....

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹 Grandy..

[demonblaster]

You're very good to me Floss ☺😚

Had a sleeper I'm ✅ but beasty won't shut up. Eventually I would've slept but getting up early

Yes. so learnt from whenever it was not to read heavy stuff yet hasn't got to me in the past in BP. I care but usually doesnt down me, went back today & could only read a few. I was struggling that day but today was ok but maybe fragile yet I was able to post in another heavy & can relate to and was ok so dunno. No triggers

? related when I was 17 ish I was in a very bad way with severe pain in L) side & what reminded me was its not too bad but same area and noticeable, will push to get in before cuppa.Foot ? archilles I'll check that too, had it before. Cant not walk so slowing & doing less. Symptoms for fasciitis different but maybe

🎁.. 🎀..🎲 looks like dice but when you throw it 5 sides open up and the little dots turn into a🦄 potion, see they're insy wincy pepper corns 😂 in the bottom of the tinsy dice is a winsy wee ball of warm damp cotton wool soaked in star dust that I'll gently wipe on your glands to heal. How are they?

One of the things I Love about u is you're full of surprises all different parts of you 😄 seriously love our time the fantasy,mucking around, serious, support, humour sorry to make you 😶blush 🙄 This place is full of beautiful people. BB and everyone involved yous are amazing. I did some of Wolfys REBT/next thought a gorgeous flower I saw (later) & thinking of something good in same thought, pictured the ocean .Liked what you said to Sapphire about thoughts being constant I think so too cause our minds never stop even when we're asleep it goes into low activity but still going

Thinking Lately what I want to do here goals etc, tbh I don't really know except I hope to be here a long time & help with other things too. I can't get stuck in helping until I get my head in some sort of order, I'm too all over the shop

Love you 💜🦄 🤗 sleep soundly dear friend ☄(Sapphire 🤗 did that love it

Nigh nite other beautifuls 🤗😚

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Im pleased your ✅Please honey honey, stay strong..tell beasty to ..go..on...go..away...shoo...get..away...you can stop🚫[IT]. I know you can..Hun do something you like to keep your mind busy on good thoughts,mthat mostly can shoo...beasty out of the mind for a bit..💜🌹 love your strength and you..😙..you make me feel🤗😙💜..

Oh Deebi, yeah some threads have taken me int BP down, I'm careful when I listen/read. I'm not in downer now, just sore and tired, I'm going to dr today, not mine a 6 month resident, until mine is available...3 weeks.. Need to do something, glands and deep inside under the chin area very sore..I'm very tired not sleepy moreso body tired..

Love the 🎲 you have a really great imagination, love our time, as well..ditto..your special very much..thank you for the star dust it feels soft and gentle on my neck/throat..

Deebi, I love this place, it is wonderful and amazing the way it's run..The way people can help each other...I try to help when I can, gives me a feeling that I'm just not existing that I can contribute and help someone and that makes me feel a little worthy.....Don't laugh...But I was thinking that I would one day like to try to volunteer for CC..but I don't think I will never ever be good enough ....Here gives me a purpose to get up daily...I can only keep trying to help..I only hope I make a little difference in someone's life..

Deebi..I used to play Darts before I got sick, since my friend passed away they keep asking me to play...They used me once, made me feel crap..They want me to play again take my friends place, but I'm scared they will hurt me again, should I try and play once more with them or not Deebi I don't know what I should do, Please I know I shouldn't ask you this, but if it was you what would you do?

I hope your back will be okay..maybe pinching a nerve sometimes, when you get up, ouchy. sounds painful 😖 💊poor my honey Deebi..Please be okay....

Love you Deebi..💜&🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Deebi,

I have posted, but held up..will land later..maybe the ✈️ was held up by the ❄️ ❄️ Cold weather....

Have a Lovely day, lovely Deebi..

😀..umm this little gift 🎁 I'm giving you, well it looks like a water gadget 🔫..but no it's a really special...it's a Magic thingy...you fill it angel dust, star dust, cloud softness, glitter dust..really any dust you want to fill it with...then you 🔫..Lol Deebi.. this time you don't turn it around..this time you squirt 🔫 yourself with the mixture placed inside, to help you or anyone have a peaceful, beautiful day...🤗💜🙃.. I love the upside face..it's kinda like I feel most times...all mixed up inside..

L&C....

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy..

🙋hello🙋🙋 Everyone...

[startingnew]

DB ❤🌼🍫🍫

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

It should have stayed on this thread..

[demonblaster]

Stack of varied people contact helping. It lifts me. Don't wanna pull them down, but I'll tell them where I'm at. Still got a lot of social. Cancer cuppa I can't not go, last yr wow I was in very deep, same time frame. Temporarily helped but crashed hard after, one of the reasons I'm learning to not make promises. I never know where I'll be from now to next.

Today harder but 3 lots of social helped & I was there for a suicidal friend, we had a good time spontaneous good for me too.

Self pity, beasties fave tool. {IT's 💗} (deep depression) several attempts to play & till just a second ago (other day) beasty 1 me 15. Been sending it to play with traffic (clearly not enough 🚛 trucks around ☺

Hearing thoughts, no choice. Blocking self pity next thoughts working mostly. Scared to go deep.

Till I can learn techniques this so fars working well. Occasionally I've remembered mindfulness, being aware of thoughts & automatically blocking furthur self pity which is our undoing. Can't let the heavies take me, God IS there ANY words to explain the mental torture.

Tiredness, brain activity & ? blocks the memory, before you realize the last minute the minds running with constant downs.NEED a vacuum cleaner ☺

I'm working on waking & reminding myself through days I can get through, racking off negative thoughts that are beasty talking, IT MUST has no place in my head. NO NEGATIVES cause we go with it.

We HAVE the strength just have to learn the many ways of resurfacing. I'm going to make it!

Grandy & beautifuls if not tonight I'll beee back, plz know I do Listen and deeply appreciate you all. Hope yous know I do love yous too. A different love & connection with Grandy, I'm aware I hyper focus on G but who wouldn't think the sun shines outta her a..ura (aura 😅) I honestly do care and appreciate yous. Thank you, I have a couple more helps in mind for BB but have to get my head straight first ☺

To you all 🤗😚⚘

Grandy I'm nearly believing you 💜 me 🤗 as mentioned I do you regardless. From deep inside...thank you, wish I could explain how much you mean and what a difference you're all making. Please feel good about that it's truth 🌹 love. When I get there I'll help BB help others too. Honour. Gratitude I've figured some stuff but you all have helped beyond. I want to die on top. 90% I'll be happy. 🤗 One day need to talk to someone I completely trust here. Later Grandy or Starwolf 🌹 but 😐

[demonblaster]

Starts always lovely you dropping in thanks darling our friendships sealed after giving me those mmm tim tams blue pkt and mint slices OMG! hard call which is better 🤗💗. Hoping your a bit better today poor love

Peps gangster lol. Thx so much for the "health bars 😄I'm loven you more each time, I mean day 😄 4 leaf I couldnt remember if 3/4 for luck, thanks saying so yeah it might be a good seller for peeps that are superstitious and they're a peaceful ? leaf. I remember as a child dear Mum saying about luck, I found one at the time in the back yard. Nice memory of sweet dear Mum💓

Mandy you're always welcome for posts 🤗 you know how much I love and care about you from day dot. You're a beautiful person Mandy don't ever doubt yourself please. Beasty convinces us differently but believe us, we see Mandy 💜

Energy bars lol

Tea was lovely thanks, cost more than I planned yikes but borrowed $. Urgh more debt!

Thanks lovey hes a beautiful man with prostate cancer and yes I think too his positive will count but can't help thinking the worse and 9 outta 10 for bad damn it! but then I'm holding beasty back atm so also do have hope and yes they're learning more

Grandy I'd NEVER laugh at you or anyone (that doesn't deserve, even then I know what it's like so I try not to,no one needs that rot) You may not believe this but it's truth a few days ago I thought you might go CC. I'm going to break the rules again but it's a minor and aware of it, in my defense we have a strong friendship and love so I hope you get to hear this, selfishly I prey you don't leave me cause you'll be so much more busy. I think you're perfect for CC and that's probs why I thought it. I've read a lot of your support to people and me I can't say it enough, there's pure Gold in you, your compassion and care comes from a very special place. Go for it sweet, you're born for it 💗⚘bbl to reply to your lifting posts. You give me so much light if only you knew how happy you make me

Btw tablets getting worse with gremlins on apps now so if suddenly I'm not around as much could be that tho I have a PC,but I'll always try to get in touch if I'm not here.

Want to say publicly if I'm not around BB I'm happy for u to contact to me to let yaz know. Asked support worker to help me finish list of people. I started but finishing things is a rare. Asked 3 so far to let yaz know

GP thursday

Love to you all 💓👀

[Ggrand]

Good Night dearest Deebi,

Deebi....I really do 💜 You 🤗..
You would make me so happy if you can feel my 💜&🤗 .through my words and through the screen...If we were in the outside world together, you would believe me because you would hear my love expressed through with my voice and would see it on my face....

Deebi, hun please concerntrate on getting you well..

Good Night all readers and posters..tuck yourselves in tonight and keep warm, sleep deep and dream nice....Sleepytime hugs 🤗🤗🤗..for who needs them..

Love and Care...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜Grandy🌹.

[smallwolf]

DB,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. You mentioned techniques in your last post. I am starting to combine things now, sort of like a ritual. But I think it would work. A bell to start. Smell the spices. Do the meditation. All focused on grounding myself. The bell goes off automatically every 20 min. The bell is really a gong. I am finding that even if I don't do the meditation, the sound of the bell brings me back out of my thoughts and into the now.

I also saw a reference to gratitude and then an accomplishment and possibly a pleasure.

You actually mentioned the word gratitude. The accomplishment was helping the suicidal friend. And if my reading of your post is correct, maybe some pleasure there also. Create a list for each day with me?

Hee was my list for Sunday - doing all the serving functions myself at church. (At one time I needed to be on both sides of the sanctuary.) My pleasure was watching the lions win against hawthorn. And gratitude is for the man at church (who knows everything I am going through) who checks on me each Sunday to make sure that I am ok.

Setting time aside, to reflect on day and to find the things to make it worthwhile continuing. An aid to dispel the negative thoughts.

And yes it can be really hard to explain the problems we have or encounter, sometimes impossible. Remember that you are not alone here. I might not post here every day, but will forever be by your side to give you encouragement. Because you matter.