Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Guest8901]

Well spotted Karen. I just read that thread after reading your post here. 😀

There you go Deebs, proof of how much people appreciate you, and of how much good you do here every day. You sooo underestimate yourself!

All the best to you beautiful lady. I hope you are currently resting peacefully and pain free. 🎀

Mandy

[demonblaster]

Again thank you everyone, I appreciate you guys more than you'll ever know or that I can express.

You've heard the saying rough diamond, better descript is jagged rust in a sea of diamonds

This is absolutely no ones fault no one has made me feel bad about myself here except me. Opposite yous have done everything to help and encourage me

😭 When I was little I didn't ever want to be a problem to anyone or do the wrong thing. Apart from at home where you're secure loved unconditionally I rarely stood up for myself just absorbed a nasty comment or unfair treatment by people

As I got older I started standing up for myself had to I was a tom boy use to play hard with both sexes but wasnt a doll girl.

Teens undiagnosed wild child into anything and everything and poor Mum and Dad. How I performed not all the time I would have kicked me out, arguing constantly hurting beyond imagination although there were happy times I felt like I cried the best part of at least 2 yrs. Mum and Dad tried to help but I was closed and a typical rebellious teen.Even then I barely stood up for myself with some friends and was domineered again more so, adored friend and stuck by them. Love and back but all sorts of rot went on. By then low self esteem was probably at its peak.

Somewhere along the line I started defending myself and at teens too was very argumentative and would just keep going (trying to curb/learn how to say) It changed I was a turd at school poor teachers I saw weakness in and drove them to extremes of anger. I really regret that & how I was with my parents who were good loving people. I was a whoop of a kid

Forgotten where I'm going with this.

Yeah now I'm back to not wanting to annoy hurt upset people, as long as I remember I wanted to help people. I want to do the right thing and yet again I've done a monumental boo boo luckily I self reported. I'm not trying to break rules but how many mths I've been here read the rules at least 3 times and still blowing it. I don't feel any good to new people. I see how everyone else speaks so well to them. I'm a mouse walking amongst giants. Yous are amazing I admire and have so much respect

Doors are closing I can't talk to someone about concerns I have and am atm in a horrible place but more crying hard than deep depression

I'm not sure if I'll ever get the hang of language I just don't know anything anymore. I'll be ok x

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Im sad when I read your words..really sad..Deebi, My mind is blocked atm..No words are coming...Please be okay...Love you very deep and I'm scared for you..

Will be back later, Not down deep. I later Deebi..

Love and Care deeply,

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy.

[Peppermintbach]

Oh DB (and a wave to all),

You seem so down and discouraged. I feel everyone knows your intentions are good. You have the biggest heart...

I know it is such a cliche but everyone has their own writing style and brings something different to the forums. You bring warmth and affection in your words, and it’s moving and sincere.

I feel communication is imperfect at best and I don’t think even the most skilled communicators in the world are exempt from misunderstandings and miscommunications. So please don’t beat yourself up over it.

I personally think anyone who posts on the forums, CC or otherwise, just does his or her best and that is all any one of us can ever do.

As long as you care, I feel that is more than enough. I know it’s easier in theory than in practice but perhaps try not to compare your own writing to anyone else’s words because everyone brings their own gifts.

Some write with a touch of humour, some are more focused on practical advice, some are more about reflections and offering their thoughts/“insight” (probably I fit in this group), some write lists, some are a bit more black-and-white focused, some see a thousand shades of grey in a situation, etc. No one “right way” to post in my opinion.

If your heart is in it, it’s more than enough ❤️

Super soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

are you awake

[demonblaster]

Yeah darl

[Ggrand]

Deebi, how I can be so stupid I will never know. For days all I could think about was taking a walk on the beach..then I Just up and went..I don't want to be here to many people here

[Ggrand]

Thank you..

[PamelaR]

Awww Deebi.

I'm so sorry to see you're so down. Life is extremely busy for me at the moment, so I've neglected you and others I think.... Sorry.

Pepper has given you some wonderful encouragement. You do have the biggest heart and we know it so well. Communication is so easily misinterpreted. It does happen. I must confess I do prefer face to face or over the phone than the written word because I find it so much more difficult.

Sending you warmest hugs Deeb. Sitting with you tonight.

Pammy ❤️

[Ggrand]

My post held up.. Deebi..I'm at my brothers now..yeah..why Deebi..my mind wouldn't shut up..keep thinking beach day and night Wouldn't stop. I'm sorry..I don't know why..I just was going for a little drive but I just kept driving until I ended up at the coast.