Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,🦄.

Enjoy your walk but gentle steps for your arm.

Deebi, what ever happened honey, it wasn't you and I feel they have lost a most valuable asset in you..Please let me dry your tears..and stay with me I would be so lost without you in my life..I so need you..I get scared a lot of times that I will say something wrong to you, or I will drag you down to much or lean on you to much and I will loose you, it's always here in my mind..I'm honoured to have you ❤️. to have met you..

Please do stay over tonight , bbl

❤️🤗 Always.

👩‍❤️‍👩 Grandy 👼. I wear my broach daily Deebi, I love it a gift from your heart.. 💝. Irreplaceable..

[startingnew]

This thread moves pretty quickly DB so im trying to read and catch up so if iv missed something I apologise
the nerve stuff is one of the worst isnt it, have they heard of trying chriotherapy for some parts of you- I know not all areas can be done bt something to look into. Also there are new inventions out not sure in which areas but they are pain patches and are suppose to be pretty effective. The new ones I think might still be in the trial stages though.
“Damn it I dont wanna be complaining and down most of the time its not how I am just how it is atm and too long.” that is pretty powerful db whether you realise it or not. Youve basically just said and ackowledged within yourself that 'its not you' its the pain and emotions are feeling
are you referring to someone on here that you feel your being ignored? Or are you talking offline? Its on its here and they arent responding to you then I would suggest moving on and maybe just doing 'pop ins' I do that to check on those who havent been here for a while or have gone quiet. No harm in that, sometimes we just relate to some members more than others.
Grieving takes time and thats ok too, maybe you could light a candle in his memory? Or do a journal piece- like a letter saying the things you want to say him about anything you like- just a thought anyway.

big hugs xoxo

[startingnew]

oops sorry db you already address the posting part, so i agree with everyone else

[demonblaster]

You don't drag me down ever Grandy I love you because you're such a beautiful gentle caring deeply compassionate kind loving supportive soul and I upset you saying that, you said once then said it wasnt me but I do say it cause I think people should know their goods and why I love you so much. It only hurt cause it upsets you so I stopped for a little while. I feel the same about you ..scared I'm going to lose you. You mean so much to me and others too.

I'll keep reading but not going to contribute anymore to that thread whats the point. I thought we got on well but apparently not.

Starts thank you darling my SLD the other 3 times this arm settled maybe my intense massage stirred the neck shoulder but I feel it needed it. Im wary just bit worried its not going to improve. The pain is pulling me down but surgerys not something I want very high risk stroke parallysis or worse I think. And this csf fluid they call it serinx but wrong spelling just below can cause parallysis too so its all a big mess around there, its 2 discs apparently that are bulging through being ruptured.

At least its not paining all the time.

Someone here Starts. Twice two different people was on good I thought terms with. It doesnt make ya feel good.

Got another pkt smokes cant bloody afford

Jbit of a mess atm

Oh dear Mandy god no it wasnt you hun

Thanks guys ☺😚🤗 sorry I'm usually better by now but it does this at times xx

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi 🦄

All those nice things you said to me, I'm really trying to believe. Geez Deebi....I'm lost for words atm..You made me cry again.. Love you Deebi.

❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗

👩‍❤️‍👩 Grandy 👼

[startingnew]

Hey DB, your most welcome. Its hard to know what our body needs sometimes. Maybe the massage will help but not straight away. I always find I need a day or 2 after before things settle- kind of like things getting worse before they get better. Hopefully it gets better for you too. Surgury sounds really scary so I hope it doesnt come to that point. Ah yes I know what fluid your talking about, having 2 ruptured disks isnt very good at all.
Its a hard hit when we dont feel like we are helping or we are being ignored. Maybe its best to step away and only do the pop ins when you feel up to it. Theres many members here thatve had to stop going to a thread- can be really hard to read along too so dont be to hard on yourself if you find you dont want or find you cant read those particular threads.
Big (but gentle) soul hugs xoxo

[demonblaster]

I want you to believe Grandy

💗🌲⚘🌟👀😊🦄

Thank you Starts good of you what you said. You're a caring chooky

Yeah I'm not going to post there anymore. Does hurt but nothing I can do about it.

Yeah it can take time for physical therapy to take affect. Have been stretching too and doing neck strengthening exercises. Wish the mutt would settle.

Hope your still on the up I know it's a time process but liked hearing your new direction.

Looks like your steels coming back dear friend. You're a true survivor.

Keep going sweetheart 💗🤗🤝

[startingnew]

just a quick post atm, still have visitors and organising crap for tomorrow. i am sitting tight for now, not up for posting about me tonight hoping to get around there tomorrow but am still reading, makes me think alot. i dont really give up, i just fall down down and stay sitting for a while.

i know its really hard as in a way it feels like your abandoning them too yeh, but we cant be the be all and end all to everyone even though we want to support everyone. yeh thats the crappy thing about physical therapy, it can take a while to work and thats if it works at all. keep at it though, its strengthening the muscles around your bones so it takes pressure off your spine more too. is there anything else you can do for your pain?

hows your mh stuff going?

[demonblaster]

Oh YEAH Starts LOVEN your psychedelic butterfly its a boom.

Thats cool darl when you're up to 🤗

IIm terrified getting hooked but have had a few but held off a lot with meds but the first and 2nd bout was eating them. This is the 4th bout.

DI think just have to sit it out. Beds one of the hardest times.

MH ok not great lot of cries but not depressed as such now but bit empty got more sleep sarvo helped

Thanks for asking darling friend. You too have been a constant really appreciate you amongst these beautiful people.

Speaking of beautiful people STARWOLF (Rock) you're rarely not in my thoughts dear friend I so hope you're in recovery. I know my love and care for you is echoed by many here including our dear Starts. Please be ok Rock I miss you terribly. 💗⚘🤗 much love and concern.

Peace wished for all of you ⚘

[startingnew]

Thanks glad you like it often theres a story but will leave that for another day

Its a hard balance with meds. We need them but then become hooked. Bit scary when you think about it. But you know yourself best and your handling things ok and decide you dont need them thats good. But its ok if you cant and need abit of help.

Sounds like the tears needed to be released and thats ok too. Lots of hugs. I know youll be ok but its ok not to be ok sometimes too. Is there anything in particular bugging you that youd like to talk about? Im happy to listen. Think ill be up awhile yet and its already near on 12. Oh bugger.

Speaking for starwolf i had lots of thoughts of her today and when i logged on you were talking about her with GG! Bit of spiritual things happening there i think. I miss her alot too.