Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[startingnew]

DB xoxox

[demonblaster]

BP day 30

Been rough always is,had a day recently was good didnt last long still better than before but as always hells no stranger.

Last few days I've not been sad sack around people but usually calls or face on lifts me. Not happening, earlier it helped until alone. Went down St yesterday, no biggy. Didnt even stay & talk to friend wasnt rude. Moods been empty, sad, nothing, no feelings at times. Haven't been able this time to pull up & fight just went with it. Deep pain.

Arm pain though easing's really pulling me down esp in bed and walking. Been holding off majority of time on pain relief but had sleeper and two heavies its 4.30 am went bed at 10.30pm. WAS nearly caught up on sleep. Starts few mths ago I ruptured two discs in neck causing bulging. Nerve pain This is 4th bout. As result have CSF fluid in Thoracic 1,2,3 (main spine just below neck if worsens can become paralysed.

Aimless, apathy, life seems pointless. Feel unworthy useless. Waste of space and peoples time. Dont feel I'm deserving. Lonely yet have fair bit of people contact making more effort to have more. Missing my darling a lot esp as always in BP. Insecure. Lost love

Empty. Not as deep as they use to be, making progress but still hell.

Start stuff don't follow through. Even started to think do I want to be here but love it. Helps me & want to help people. Feel I'm so close to working it out but flashes of insight dont flow easily. Like thinking but recently not happening. Nothing much is making me happy yet like/love in my life lot of good people including here, got to the point recently its just words.

Here's my lifeline yet feel I'm not good enough and lot of mistakes. For long time feel like I need to work on so much. Expressing drives me nuts always felt that way. Hurt so easily always been too sensitive. Like myself more but long way off. Between episodes and during lift & happy around people, try SO hard not to let out on others. Like trying to stop Tsunami with hands, so powerful

Had thoughts last couple days but not going too, I can do this but they're so often now its waring me down. Between episodes there's nothing, do walk hills, push through in cycles but less walking or not, too exhausted. Made a vow not to miss special needs tt (t.tennis) no matter how deep & stuck with that. Usually f.nitely and some other times.That does make me happy

No interest to do things. TV comfort zone. HAVE to sleep day/night in recovery. Don't feel theres anything to live for

[demonblaster]

Realised I do have anxiety at least through episodes working on how to control the shots of adrenalin assuming.

Major overhaul like going through teens menopause & taking on devil in one hit. I CAN do this but..

Such a strong need for love affection & touch. Am full on with people so working on holding back, get on well with majority but need to pull back, no one complains but still need to not smother. Its love coming out. Pathetic.

Felt deeply hurt here, communicated (not published) was hard now feel like a heal & guilty. Love them and trying to help, another fail!

Whats this bs self bloody destruct in us. Care about people listen try to help and often in downs is when they need me (rl) but depression zeros us into ourselves but its ok mostly listen & there but often feel peoples pain even if someone downing someone else.

I know I'm a good person but beasty doesn't allow self worth it strips you of everything good or anything you've built up. I NEED the breaks in episodes to regather, not sure how they work it out, last psychiatrist few mths or yr ago ish said I have 8-10 majors a yr but Ive got a long way to go but pulled mania down to probs between type 1 & 2. Phenomenal achieve, mega stress though trying to hold it back.You dont want to but have too. Found out recently i do have auditory hallucinations not visual or grand deur grandiose or dellusional but stronger self belief confidence boundless energy bla bla. Its amazing.

I just don't know anymore, never have known really. I do know though if I don't get this sooner than later.. yeah. Its too much

From my heart THANKYOU everyone for your care and support. Sorry havent been there for you much but have been reading xx

Love and do care. We'll get this, we have to. Its not supposed to be lime this.

Pills bringing on sweat better crash

Bbq today cant sleep long its 6am now

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB and all,

You’re a beautiful person with a huge heart. As we have often agreed before, you love deeply and care deeply. I know your feelings run deep and that you have good intentions.

I suppose it’s tricky isn’t it? Relationships, of any kind, are always difficult because it’s hard to know how much is too much and how much is too little (and this also depends on the people involved too as everyone is different).

I suppose it’s a learning curve for us all. Maybe, as painful as things are currently, think of it as a learning experience...

Your auditory hallucinations sound intense and emotionally consuming. It must be hard to manage things when you’re in the middle of a manic episode. But to your credit, you have incredible self insight, steely determination and hope despite all your challenges.

It’s okay “...not to know anymore” as sometimes we just need to let go of the need to “know” things. Maybe with rest and time, you’ll “know” once again or be able to make sense of things.

I feel sad that you seem so down on yourself but as you said, it’s your inner demons that have come out to “play.” Try not to listen to Beasty. Perhaps just give things time...and no need to reply if you’re feeling run-down.

Huge soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Good Morning Deebi,

You really are a good person, Your always kind, gentle and want to help when your able to please never question yourself about that...that's beasty being an annoying pain in the head.. know that I care, just not up to talking right now, have way to much turning around in my head, sorry..?.

DB, don't be sorry you have nothing to be sorry about, your not well, we don't expect you to be here when your down, I know I expect and hope that you are caring for yourself when your down, love you honey. .

I need to go, I got Vinnies today, a gp appointment then Pysch visit.. I'm fighting myself even to get out of bed today... sighs,

Its Good you got your tt it will be a great distraction for you, and I know you love/like it..enjoy your day honey.

Kind and gentle thoughts always deeb,

(L&C)...❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗.

Grandy.

[Guest8901]

Deebs, of course you're a good person .. none better. You will come through this, as you always have. Nothing to say other than that I care deeply for you, even though we've only been talking for a relatively short time.

Until your beasty releases you, I'm sending love and hugs to sustain you. Your love and care of others can wait for now. You have more than enough brownie points on the board. Look after you.

Amanda

[Ggrand]

Hello DB.

My heart started breaking when I read your 2nd last post..im really very sorry deeply sorry your feeling this way. Please remember you are worth your weight in gold. totally useful..awe honey hate listening to you beat yourself up..thats beasty talking..

Your so good Deebi such a beautiful heart you have.. please look after yourself and heal. Don't need to reply just get well..

Rrmember what you told us DB about the beast..please don't go away. I/we need and love/like you..

Im at vinnies on my phone so can' right properly.. I just read your post before last one..it came in late.

Take care honey.. sorry I'm not much help.. but I do care.

L&C

Grandy

[Birdy77]

Deebs ❤

You are utter Gold 🌟

You even have a trophy for how wonderful you are on these forums.

You are so giving and loving and lift others up ... please never doubt your worth here.

You are amazeballs Deebs!

Please be gentle with yourself during this very low patch.

Thinking of you.

🌻 birdy

[startingnew]

Hi DB
you are in really deep, I understand how hard and dark that place is but I believe in you DB, your inner strength, will and determination is there even though you think its gone.
Thank you for explaining the cause of your pain, it must be so awful. I do remember you meantioning a possible surgury but you werent a big fan of that and I dont blame you one bit.


You say here is your lifeline but you dont feel good enough and make a lot of mistakes, I understand that too. Ive gone through it very recently where I felt like a piece of garbage and couldnt help others. Your posts dont have to be long and fancy like some people do, a simple post with words of encouragment are really helpful too. You have helped me more than once by a simple post saying encouraging words, or that you care or your holding my hand. Sometimes less is more and while I know that is hard to believe reading some others posts but it is true. You havent hurt or failed anyone here, its hard to interpret peoples words and situations because sometimes they do just seem to be words on a screen but I hope that you believe me when I say you are good enough, you are worthy, you havent dissapointed anyone.


A strong need for love and affection is normal DB, sometimes that needs becomes over powering and its hard to take a step back and its a learning curve, not something that happens overnight but youll get there. You are smart and someone who learns from their mistakes. Dont listen to that beast DB, it lies, clouds judgment and only wants you to believe your fears and own doubts, makes you question everything.


Have you tried thought challanging before? I am willing to help you and then you can try on your own if you like?


You dont have to have the answers right now, sometimes its about going with the flow. Answers will come to you soon enough even though its hard waiting for them.
Have you considered speaking to a pscyhologist and a psychiatrist again? Psychologist to help with your thoughts and pschiatrist to help with medications. I struggle with hallucinations as well and its scary but your not alone ok. Ever. You have all of us right here for you
sending lots of love and hugsand holding you hand to help you ge through this xoxoxox

[demonblaster]

⚘💖 how can I tell you all how much your kindness care and support means. Thankyou SO much you lovely good people

Talking's a good release. Yes beasty magnifies. Painful but if something can be improved on. Thinking more on being full on its affection & reciprocated. But learning too so ok

Bombed on pain meds forced myself to BBQ cause one of 3 MH support workers that I'm close to & love is also very affectionate fills a void. Close to few others that go too never short of hugs there we all enjoy eachother and our time.Great people & workers.

Feeling strength returning, hoping over worst.

Needed more pain relief arm was slamming +migraine on top but settled with other med. Grandy thx re doonas suggestion, its coming from neck can sometimes get relief for headaches laying on back without pillow but hurts arm really badly must push more on erve. Still havent got perfect pillow. Pulling me down this pain, relief in chair here shocking in bed,walking or relaxing it.

Havent been usual night tt tomoz be 2nd wk but will do Sp.needs other day even if just for encouragement only

Yes been thought challenging lately Starts & working. Not this episode tho just slid. Open to hear anything plz 🤗 thx

Psych's fantastic didnt see her last trip couldnt afford little gap lucky too was out of mhcp. Till next visit Ive mostly needed to vent with psychs re BP & general life but soon start with other stuff.

Pills nah just cut off another (with reasons but rang doc later to check. No difference in severity of downs except last 3 episodes this incl better than severe deeps like always was, these are hard enough

Hallucinations auditory only not bad or all the time only when trying to sleep helped actually with distraction except occ loud voice

Very high risk surgery for bulging discs. Death stroke parallysis & others. The other dangerous issue the CSF fluid surgery dont know risks but if it spreads possible paralysis too but atm its disc/nerve pain giving grief. Just hope CSF doesnt spread furthur Jaysus but not stressing on that a long as it behaves

love 🤗 x