Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Star I can't tell you enough how much of a rock you've been/are for me here. From my heart I deeply thankyou so much you've stuck with me throughout from day dot on this thread. Please believe me when I say you're making such a difference. Support, knowledge, wisdom,depth, caring the list goes on. Not to mention your time too. xx

Yeah today better than yesterday and the worst ones thanks 🙂 not there yet but so glad this mutt does recede ... till the next time.
The inbetweens, "normals" if not for them this would be a different story. Way too heavy. First psyhciatrist said the brain wants more of the highs sooo true anyone would.Utter bliss. Don't know the words to express enough how good you feel including type 2 which these days I'm moreso just to a lesser degree which is more controllable though I still am pumped talk more louder etc

Type 2 is slightly elevated mood, mmmm more than slightly but yeah not the super highs it also has more severe depression than type 1 from research & experience with both.

Atm and I really need to change this thinking if I got sick as in a crap illness that'll do for an excuse.

Something I read here on BB a few times helped as a lot does is that we're still here so we've survived/or maybe surviving Black times. Gold

just working out how to deal with the extreme deeps slowly getting there, must do a getting through list which is growing.

How's your Kidneys and have you started the new job yet, how's that going if so.
I would like to hear how things are for you too 🙂
Think about your remedial work, talk about brave, would be a hard job but rewarding. Lot of compassion you clearly have with animals & people.

Liking reincarnation losing personality and keeping what we've learnt, seems to me more logical than other theories but each to their own of course. I think we need a belief to get us through the tough times that probs safe to say everyone at some time/s experience.

I think we live heaven and hell on earth (evident for everyone I imagine)

yeah have said to some If we do reincarnate don't wanna come back with this rot.

Maybe Jehovas Witnesses are onto something that we're reaching for perfection, which could back up reincarnation and what you were saying. Interesting btw thx. I don't know about the world ending soon tho but could happen. Very few of us have 6th sense to degree of knowing ahead yet we all have the 6th some naturally works others maybe don't realise

Hugs back 🙂 Good ones

[Starwolf]

Recovering but slowly (isn't recovery ALWAYS too slow ?). Thank you for asking. Still dragging myself through chores at home and duties at work. Better but still feeling blah. I try to keep focused on the "better" part.

Working with rogue animals can be a hazard, depending on whether one is equipped for it or not. Due to total lack of human communication at home and the presence of animals all around, both domesticated and wild, I learned to understand and communicate with all sorts of beasts at an early age. Due to circumstances, I was more like one of them than like my "fellow" humans. Survival dictated that I also became very observant...so I was a good student in inter species communication. It is something that happens mostly mind to mind. It is part of what makes birds change the order of in flight formations simultaneously and without missing a beat. Or panicky herds stampede without colliding with each other.

In many ways and in spite of technological advances, we smart humans have lost our roots...and the plot. And so the ape became stupid. A lifetime of working with animals and their human handlers/minders has largely contributed to this personal slant on "evolution" 🙂

[demonblaster]

lost post arghhh, Karma AGAIN laughing at chooky Sez one time, really biting me lol.

yw Star 🙂 Yeah unfortunately a lot does frustratingly take a while to mend, imagine you were in a lot of pain with kidneys poor thing, so good you're on the mend. I imagine you have no choice with the animals to keep plodding on, if you can try not to overdo to hinder recovery.

That's just sooo bloody wrong not having any human communication, geez Star thank god you had the animals that don't judge, ignore, put ya down, crap on basically & they as we have our strongest need to give and be loved.
That's amazing about the mind connection and thx interesting about why birdies and herds not banging into eachother.

Yeah it amazes me, we're sposed to be the highest intelligence here yet we still haven't learnt to get on with eachother, getting there I like to think but shame it's so slow and such pain in the meantime, there'd be way less depression and MI I reckon if we respected & were nicer to eachother

Glad you're opening up more, I'm here for you & others no matter how low I am ok, I mean it,don't ever feel you have to hold back. Truth

I'm ok around people happy, but alone pffftttt but need that time to work through this too, otherwise distraction which definately helps but doesn't get to the root to work on.

Just saw today here on site a download that didn't do it to my phone but I'll try again Beyond now, to put in place reasons not to make the wrong choice, might help. First in Australia like it. Good on them. PC said it worked, it lied 🙂

Bit better today but far from yet, still sooo tired and still pretty average, how much how long can we endure this but between times I'm determined to win. Getting the energy and volition to move to allow distractions mega
God ya go low beyond, hells at times like last few days a walk in the park but best word for it.

Thanks for being around Star, keep getting better, that's an order 🙂

xx

[Starwolf]

Aaargh, don't get me started about vanishing posts...between them and NBN often dropping out in mid-word, it can make writing very frustrating.

Although there are bits and pieces of my past experiences scattered all over the forums, my only reason to talk about them is to let people know where I come from...or answer questions.To me, it is now all small talk. I am no longer triggered by any of it and have managed to shelve most issues. The past cannot be changed but my present attitude towards it has...many years ago. As far as I am concerned, scars only show where I've been. They don't determine where I'm going. So I'm here to focus on those whose wounds are still festering and continuing to hurt.

Kudos for distracting yourself. There IS a lot of Life happening outside mental conditions. But we often fail to notice and participate because inner issues keep us trapped in our heads. Your feet are on the right track. And your heart is definitely in the right place.

The BeyondNow plan is/has been a buoy in the storm for many people. I hope you can download it. Computers being modeled on the human brain, it is little wonder that they can cause so much grief and malfunction so often 🙂

I hope today treats you with the kindness you so much deserve.

[demonblaster]

Thanks Star, so proud of you making it through to the other better side and good on you wanting to help others as you certainly do. I too wanna help people but just have to get through as you have and slay the beast in the process.

Few tears today morning but mainly extremely stuffed but have so much bits to do which I can't get out of but hopefully tomoz when I get home and Sun can work on catching up, big week ahead too but that's ok, out amongst it which is good.

Going to have to work hard and think my little head off in the good times how to get through the roughs cause damn they're deep.

Psych tomoz thank god, she'll be glad to see my back lol

Stoked it did (Beyond Now) download just didn't know where it landed but sorted that and got it on one of the home screens and been thinking today what I wanna add to it, like there's an edit as well.
Prob is when I'm in the low lows nothing really means much but I guess still being here as they've said here and having gotten through them is what I need to remember.

Ok gotta choof

Thanks again Star 🙂

Take good care and keep mending. Say hello to your animals for me, I'm game with this distance lol

[demonblaster]

IF I remember to bold anything amongst vents that's consistent with thread "surving being in a better place". Working through this I'm determined to beat depression in contradiction to that I HAVE to take suicide possibility outta the equation. Sh's me that it's an option again but it's soo often takes ya to hell and beyond but at least it's not a probability said to psych (sooo good) I'm more often supporting & wanna help people here so If I can work out why I don't wanna see others make the ultimate choice then may help me too to permanently delete that option too.

Hurting peoples one strong reason. If we're lucky enough to have love in our lives, someone dying hurts like hell but when they do it by ending their lives, maybe it hurts more cause they're was possibility of hope to work through and out.
People dying that don't want to: Seems so unfair to take our lives when we have a choice and they didn't.
We only get one chance at this life: Not religious but have theories. I think we continue, our souls are us and bodies transport thru life & time.I'm SURE one of our reasons here is to learn,main probs becoming better people & not so sure we don't continue with our issues until resolved, I wanna sort it this time, not carry them on to next life or if not die happy & on top.
Happiness and pleasure: safe to say everyone's had happiness & pleasure, when depressed we don't see or feel it. It's not always bad and goods are achievable. Most situations, there's hope. Things we like/love get buried but they're still there or in our memories.

Told Psych it's frustrating but getting close to working some stuff out. I like thinking. When I'm trying to work on the head at times possibly when in mania must take notice actually, probs is cause in those times the mind's completely open to ideas and thoughts.Over time I've got super rapid to still fast thinking but lessened the speed to a flood not a tsunami. Fortunately I'm still rational during cycles.
So I start working out coping strategies almost come to an answer then like a curtain comes down & shuts it off. Possibly excitement which is consistent with BP. Just have to keep at it. There's a reason for everything, I wanna know what they are.

[Just Sara]

Hey Chooky; I'm sorry I haven't visited in a while...

It seems you're doin' the doin' which is great! I've read thru to the top of the page, so anything prior to that is lost for me I'm afraid. Apologies...

I read your words and cringed at what you have to contend with. It's reminiscent of past days for me. The other similarity though, is consistently trying to fix ourselves. Some might think it was obsessive, and it was. I needed to be told to rest and give my poor brain a break. (Got that on here. Hey Star!!)

However...by concentrating on me, and staying away from triggering people and activities, I gave myself time to self assess in creative ways too. I 'used' my family and friends as guinea pigs which ended up being really successful.

Learning to communicate in different ways were my main objectives. Being reactive was the first to be dealt with. I stood back, (mainly because I had anxiety so bad in their presence, I couldn't talk anyway)

Listening gave me more insight than expected; learned heaps! It also made me realise that when 'I' over talk, that's what I sound like. Ha ha

Wouldn't it be great if we could edit our words prior to saying them like on here? God...I've thought that so many times.

Reading about your thoughts on suicide doesn't trigger, but you write so 'matter of fact'. I don't know what to make of this.

Scares me a little I guess. That's how I was when I self admitted to the psych ward. I don't want to project my stuff onto you. Just letting you know there's some stuff of mine in your words.

So, life's what we make it yeah? Very true Chooky.

Star...I laughed my head off when I read this; 'And so the ape became stupid' It's so you! And; so correct! Bah ha ha ha...ahh!!! Sigh...you're a legend!

Take care lovelies...

Sez xo

[demonblaster]

Hey chooky you've been missed, haven't seen you not just here, no pressure there either hun very grateful to you and Star, yous are both Stars in my eyes xx and wondered if you're ok.

Hun, wanna be clear here have said to Star & they've explained as I've seen here and there in posts, not promise Star stalking lol I just as chooky (Sarah, Sez) noticed here as yous do don't like to see threads with not many replies so also go to them and of course others that I may be able to contribute help or support in some way hopefully so where I was going chooky, go for your life talk your stuff if you want to, I'm here for anyone too, seriously, tho I care and do think about peoples crap no triggers or downs just hate how people can be towards eachother but that's not anything new

True we're looking for ways to survive and get on top aye, which if we don't as we know we'll sink furthur. Matter of necessity, ditto we need time alone to think, while I had beautiful partner I did but not enough, never had ending thoughts while with him.

We have a lot of similarities ya know, I listen but also clearly talk a lot too but wanna learn to listen better.
Hear ya re communicating better, proof reading is good, lol you wouldn't believe how long some of my posts take to post.
I'm learning slowly esp from how you guys (champs) & others communicate too.

Realisation knew everyone wants to be heard at some time anyway but we're on so many levels not good at communicating, if we could not listen to tone, which doubt if I'll ever get there, that speaks volumes and what they're saying not how as in articulating cause I think minority are good at that.

Sweet sorry you've been doin it hard, thought so from an earlier post why you were away a bit.
The good thing is we've got the desire not to let the beast get us, we WANT to get on top & I do believe this can be beaten. It's just so damned low Sez, beyond hell, like being broken into a hundred pieces at its worst, if they weren't so often I probs be thinking differently, but atm not wanting to leave yet, & only good possibility not probability and MUST work hard on choofing that option. The mutts had me all life, if not something else that's I think gone, but remember very young having extreme lows same as BP lows.

Thanks girl good to see you xx

[demonblaster]

Bear with me guys 🙂 Notes, working through

Strength; Why? .. a reason for EVERYTHING, wanna know then can work on em

Strength; Understanding depression (the beast) POWERFUL. EVERY way it can pull us down & hurt it does
Depression; Low self esteem, sensitive, biggies for pain, memory strong on pain, uses pain as weapon

Strength; Liking ourselves Essential for shield, confidence
Our entire lives & time here, every second is with ourselves no one else.

Depression/Strength; If we feel hurt or defend ourselves then ? we do like ourselves, work more on it. Majority of us have goods in spades, search & reiterate.

Strength; Improving on bad points

Depression; separate entity? (external/internal force? chemicals (few saying not known fully yet)

Depression; so powerful.. why???
Strength; NO ONE wants to feel this way. how to apply strength
Strength); Wanting to (believing) can get on top

Strength/Depression pushing through non motivation. Sense of achievement/win

Strength; Distraction resting mind that never stops working, temporary freedom from pain

Strength; Thinking it out. Why down, how to fix

Strength; Accepting what can't be changed, HOW!!!

Depression/Strength; Ruminative thinking, why, how to stop. Are we sposed to come to some resolve or let demons rest

Strength/Depression; Acknowledgeing but not sliding with it ( taking self pity out, takes us furthur & deeper down) ? probs mindfulness

Strength/Depression; Reasons to live had me/us most/parts of our lives, not wanting to lose to it again. Wanna die on top and happy, beat the mutt. If we believe, half way there.

Strength; Goals to work towards, achieve

Strength; Reasons to continue (have them handy all times)

Strength; Emotional control. (WHOPPER)

Strength; releasing stress VITAL, it manifests

Strength; Communicating: support, understanding, education

Strength: getting help
Helping ourselves

Strength; how to handle pain. Emotional control

Strength; Survival, our most powerful inbuilt tool

Strength; Mindfulness learn&practice

Strength; Meditation practice

Strength; Non depressed times work on it all

Strength; List of pleasures in life, good mems, what would give us pleasure if we could do it

Strength; Knowledge; Research, people have it at bay, some on top, must be some that have beaten it completely

Strength; Research depression
Chemicals

Strength; Depression; work on taking suicide outta options. We need to win.

We can get this, believe

[Starwolf]

Majority have goods in spades...that sure includes YOU.

I found your reference to seeing depression as outside entity interesting. Considering the cocktail of electro-chemical reactions as IT instead of I played a major role in helping me dissociate from it. The less I identified with it, the easier it became for the real I to become stronger and resurface from the emotional rubble.