Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Although since the loss of partner leaving is an option now which as mentioned I do need to choof, & as mentioned too I do have a lot of love in my life but what (Geez here comes the tears again) makes me think it'd be soo wrong to do is I know I've said it already but partner and his sister fought for their lives, they didn't give up, well I don't blame partner but didn't know till later he had but remember saying to him he has to eat cause I can't just watch him die. He said the dear thing I saved his life that day. They didn't wanna die, I've got life that they wanted to have too. Same goes for so many people that have their lives taken from them who don't wanna die.

It'd hurt so many, don't wanna do that either

Sorry for repeating but these days even though there's good times, I'm usually happy and this won't make much sense after that comment but same time I don't feel I've got anything to live for. There's not much that's giving me much pleasure, this is mammoth to take on but if I don't I will go under.
Right had my big cry so there's another outlet. I do know this will pass so that's a good. Sleep will help too.
Only woke with some pain today and no other so there's another good.

Have been able to some of the time (not so much last night but trouble is I realised I was allowing the downs to take me furthur rather than saying NO I'm not going with that which I've been doing today mostly.

Anyway I don't have plans though do think about how and to say hurray to people first but not at contemplating stage as such.

Happy I'll be seeing Psych Sat, boy have I got some to say, lucky I landed her, she's brilliant. Shame I can't see her more often but maybe with a new scheme NDIS ( National Disability insurance scheme) possibly, have to read up on it.

I feel it's all so mammoth, like there's a hundred demons to slay but at least am starting kind of to like myself, but there's still a very strong low self esteem going on but that's probs the beast doing what it's so bloody good at. Hard to change life long way of thinking, people can be pretty good at pulling us down and so can depression.

Anyway today's been easier but average.

Cheers

[demonblaster]

Soo looks like BP (Bipolar) cruisy up wasn't a short 2/3 day job, had some hard hits with depression but overall hacking kinda but woke up bit before 5am, no pain in shoulder till later (still not right yet but so much better than before) so wasn't that & from experience know it's still got it's talons in. Soo badly need to be recovering from the past 6wks pain minimal sleep and BP's energy depleting.
Automatically thinking with dread what's ahead, but just realised that's where lateral thinking can come in. Need the attitude that I can handle this & knowing I have untold times before.

Recently I felt myself going down heavily, allowed my head to go with the avalanche, was aware but result wasn't so bad cause cried a lot stress outlet also have pushed to walk tho not really wanting too through tiredness so decreased amount. Have to do it often, daily not there yet but most for many reasons, stress release, stimulation, amongst it, around people, core strength for back, entering age as fit as po, tighten up blubber working to a point left it too late in life but still better than before by far.

That is all... for now (other BB's famous words 🙂

Thx for those listening

Wondering if the highs are a survival mechanism to combat and not go down & downs to learn from for strength. With extreme pain and tiredness I conciously lifted with energy which being around people happens anyway usually (extrovert) BP & depression feed on tiredness, can't not try to lift up else ya go down.

At this point not much depression at all, that can change in an instant but when I feel it coming on need to not allow to go down with it, by being aware it's the beast wanting it's way. Easier to stop it early than go deep, very hard climb back up but doable.

[Starwolf]

Thank you for caring. It turned out what I thought was a back injury was in fact a severe kidney infection. It seems to be on its way out, thank goodness.

I admire your pro activity. I know how much grit it takes to be consistent and persistent when the inner world is chaotic or empty of energy. That 1st step is usually the most difficult. I have found procrastination itself to be an energy drain. It is also self-perpetuating. The more we stress about finding motivation, the louder the self-protective brain screams not to act. I used to ask myself if I was going to feel better about getting a move on in another 5 or 10 minutes. Of course the answer was no. Learning to cultivate the habit of acting immediately ( at least before getting to the point of no return) didn't come easy.

The "yeah, I did it" air punch is part of the reward, isn't it ?

[demonblaster]

Hey Star, always good to see you, I've said before and reiterate I really appreciate you and things you've said have honestly helped, esp stuff that I think about still non bloody stop about chooky. Though I'm thinking about her not quite as often now but still a LOT damn, but what has helped lol is I've started looking at stuff about her that I'm not fussed on.

Yes I do care about people, too bloody much sometimes, feels like I'm putting out and it's not coming back which as a rule I try not to give to get but sure is good to have it coming back but hey we're talking about people here 🙂
I do care about you Star (don't worry not a cyber love 🙂 and have admiration for you how you've managed to have the beast at a heel, seriously that's mammoth and also you and the other champions here amongst mods and managers & all that make this site viable, if yous weren't answering posts with so much wisdom support and being there this wouldn't be a happening site and many like mine here would go unanswered same for you chooky Sez thanks again both of you xx

Starwolf said: (not sure how I did this quote but cool now can't turn bold off)

Thank you for caring. It turned out what I thought was a back injury was in fact a severe kidney infection. It seems to be on its way out, thank goodness.

Jeez I've heard kidney's wicked pain and can mask back pain, so glad it's on the mend poor thing. You no doubt have been through the ringer. Good it wasn't back this time aye tho you may have wished it was and from experience I know the excrutiating pain from that.

Think I'm on the way up again (not mania) so happies, not quite outta it all yet but getting there as you with your kidneys. Tears aren't far from the surface but average person would probs be pretty low, for me this is hackable.

Just had a thought before but haven't gotten into thinking deeper yet.

One of the hardest emotional turmoil we go through that never leaves but eases in time is grieving.
Time makes it easier
Wondering why time doesn't make other mental pain easier, depression comes deeply with grieving too.
Might be a clue to working stuff out if we can figure this one

Thanks Star, happy to see you 🙂
Let us know how you go with your job if you like

[demonblaster]

Vent: & surviving

Getting untold more sleep but this mutts got me deeply, mostly in alone times
So bloody sick of crying tho an outlet, sick of damned pain,it's deep. Depression it pulls up anything that's hurt in the past constantly, what the .... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY,

I KNOW I can get on top of this, but when it's like this you're in hell, I tell people here and elsewhere we all have stength, we do, just gotta learn how to find and use it.

HAVE to work this mutt out, trying to think of reasons to stay, there are some, good people that love like and care are a good one. I really feel for those that don't have love, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're not lovable though either. It's everyone's basic need.

How much & how often and long can we endure pain, at least with BP although it goes sooooo bloody deep it does pass. The cycles are so frequent now, even a smaller 2/3 day high has devastating lows like now. Thought I was ok this morning, well mild down. You wouldn't think anything wrong today around people but underneath it's goin on

So glad to have here to be able to vent.

Just need to work hard on getting the wrong option outta the equation, promised Mum yrs ago in teens I wouldn't try again. Although I think & hope (only to see people I've loved & lost again) there's more after this Mum's passed so I'm kinda not now putting that promise into the equation now.

Someone here which often I've thought about too asked as they're too not sure, what reasons can we give someone not to take the plunge into the unknown and leave.
If we work on reasons to stay. Setting goals be good
I do know though it's the wrong choice & it's denying ourselves of a chance at happiness. If we don't get on top of this more and more people will take their lives.

Maybe I'm wrong and there's nothing after, so if this is a miracle (there's a reason for EVERYTHING, we don't know for absolute sure why we're here, one reason is I absolutely believe is to learn but who's to say we don't carry on with our problems if there's another life or being that we continue on with, so I'd like to beat this and go into new on top and happy. Phooooo just gotta keep on working at this aye. I do also believe we can win, just need to convince myself through these times.

Happy as around people, distraction, trying to pull up not to have the chin draggin on ground, and do feel good around them, (most).

Thx

[solabear]

How are you feeling today Demonblaster? It is a very heartfelt post and all so familiar to me. How much suffering we can tolerate? That is the question....a LOT! You are stronger than you feel right now. I believe in you dear DB, you're an amazing human being. You "wouldn't try again" because you know it would be a permanent solution to a temporarily problem. That's right .....it's always just a temporarily problem.

sending a big solarbear hug your way

[demonblaster]

You lovely thing Solar, thanks so much for asking caring, for your time and wisdom

Was very rough this morning for the first few hrs, untold pain and tears but had a fair bit of social acitivity and got a couple more things to help in place which is giving great deal of relief. Atm completely worn out, the beasts still waking me too early but at least little to no mostly now neck, shoulder & arm pain that added to BP down through extreme lack of sleep over past 6 wks but hacking atm thanks so much solar. Really appreciate your post 🙂

How are you doing? I'm here for yous too 🙂

[solabear]

My dear DB, the mornings are the worst for me as well. I always feel so down when I first wake up for the first hour or so....completely dysfunctional and it's topped with a hint of anxiety for the extra fun sometimes... lol, but I soldier on and force myself to do things like have a shower and take the dog for a walk....actually my dog doesn't really give me a choice on that. When she looks at me with those beautiful eyes and drops the lead in my lap... I can't say no to her. She's my cheer leader and I don't know what I would do without her. By the time we come back from the walk I feel a bit better. It's amazing what a good walk can do, especially when you have a cheer leader with you...lol

I hope you feel better soon, I'm sending you some positive vibes... and painkiller vibes for your aching body

Take care DB, I'm thinking of you

Kind thoughts and hugs from Sola

[demonblaster]

So if we're suicidal we're going against our natural very strong instinct of survival. (strength)
So many are clueless that it takes enormous courage to go against that instinct, been there few times. It's not weak, it's hell we're trying to be free of.
So I guess if we're at that point to get through our best bet is to try and find reasons not to. Many people I've heard stay for the sake of their kids.

My reasons so far are (no kids) I'm lucky to have a lot of love so know it'd hurt them a LOT. Don't like hurting people.

Don't wanna give in anymore to the beast, it's had me intermittently throughout my life, taken me to the lowest of low, the pits. (attempts and wanting out)

I've known happiness, a lot of. You don't truly appreciate it until you've had extreme pain.

The future we don't know what's ahead

We I believe all have stength, it's buried at these times but can be bought up

I'm working very hard on getting through deep depression that BP brings on, determined until it gets hold but the saying, "there's always hope" I think so.

This would be controversial and I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing by good friends here, some I won't for various reasons, but if the time comes that I say enough which I really don't wanna go out this way (wanna win over this & do believe we can) so it won't be such a shock I'm talking to some about the possibility that it might but not necessarily happen, if I get to that point I'll say goodbye first to each.
Reason is to soften the blow & also asking if it's the wrong thing to do. (preparing them)
One today said something that made a lot of sense. Said either way you're calling out for help, some people maybe able to say stuff that'll help. Gold. She listened & helped more than probs shouldn't say who I rang but they helped in a different way and do the best they can with so many needing them & yet as she said she can't help in a professional way like others can but told her she did & thanked her.

This'll pass, it's deep hell but at least it passes, not for many

thx those listening 🙂

[Starwolf]

Hey, dear brave soul.

I am sad that you are doing it tough but glad that you come here to vent and distract yourself.

If you research the principle of reincarnation, you will find that it is based on the belief that we're here to learn. I must admit that finding another reason is difficult if we think we live and die and that's it. It makes no sense, does it ? And since everything in the Universe has a purpose...you get the drift.

Anyway, we're thrown into Life without a user's manual so must figure it as we go. No wonder the belief in several lives came to be ! The theory is that from one round to the next, personality is lost ( Aussie Graham may well come back as Spanish Carmen). The only thing we get to keep are the lessons learned. Which makes perfect sense if the purpose is learning. It also makes sense that swapping gender, culture, education, life experiences is necessary. The meaning of Life may infiltrate all those but it is beyond them.

So opting out means that -setting aside the growing up process- you automatically start another round exactly where you left it, mentally and emotionally. Food for thought...

Wishful thinking, some might argue...hell no ! Since we are supposed to lose everything we had in a previous life except from acquired knowledge, it would defy common sense. As a matter of fact, those who believe in reincarnation only have one aim in mind...get off the dreaded merry-go-round ASAP !!!

A heartfelt cyber hug coming your way. I hope today is a better day for you.