Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂 thanks for listening

This was easy & quick as in worked first time, haven't started practising yet & could be applied at any time.
Nothing to lose .. lot to gain.

A type of meditation I tried out last night, didn't go furthur with it cause ph rang but was amazing. Not feeling down atm so would be easier but still definately worth a go in any frame of mind esp when down.

Because of extreme pain from a bulging disc in neck pinching a nerve what I'd love at any time actually is a really lovely massage.

Two things I thought about & used imagination.

1. Imagine being somewhere comfortable. On massage table, chair, bed etc
   At whatever pace you choose starting from the scalp, gentle soothing massage being fully aware of how you want it to feel that makes it soothing, relaxing making you feel completely at peace & comfortable working down your neck no rush, take as long as you want on any area. Slowly work down your entire body finishing at toes included
   Every area before you move to another be sure you've reached a feeling of total relaxation
   
   The other one which was incredible too was imagining above my head a smooth but dense warm soft liquid being poured over my head and covering my entire body absorbing inside which gave an immense feeling of well being & relaxation, takes the mind off rot that's going on even if temporarily being in a good place

Similar consuming feeling like the heavy dark blanket of depression but with peace and an amazing feeling which once it's reached and used often can be a good focus point of being in a better place when we're struggling.

Hope it helps 🙂

[demonblaster]

Vent

over the past roughly 6 wks I've been through hopefully recovering if it doesn't stir up again max pain due to pinched nerve from bulging disc in neck. Think this is the beginning not the end of this problem. But need to get my head into walking daily which I do most days (hills for many reasons including core strength for bad back to hopefully avoid full blown outs again, (again debilitating max pain for 2/3 wks) it's tried but think core strengths holding just.

So from about 6/8 wks couldn't shake the predominently heavy depression (BP) soon after this wicked nerve pain, Pain in 5 places unbelievable from max to severe, one of the worst places was down the arm, felt like molten lava without the heat going down from inside & that I'd been shot in the shoulder, other worst one was like an axe had been rammed in the end of shoulder.
Sleep was a couple of hrs at a time for a mth or more if I was lucky waking in agony with heavies pills and nerve ones that didn't touch it so enduring it till it subsided that would go from intense to ok anything from 20 mins to hour and half.

Couldn't believe how I was holding up with all that going on,lack of sleep, agony to severe, to God but backed off here and there, then realised BP''s dropped in to play. Had the goods for about 2/3 days, magic but so whacked I don't think even that could rise above too high which probs a good thing.
So depressions starting to show it's ugly head, few tears few sads but so far handling by knowing it wants to pull me down and that it'll pass but at this stage that doesn't really help. I'm hoping to hack this without too much grief and if I can I'm making major progress with depression, usually with so much sleeplessness it comes in hard without BP let alone it going on.

If not......... I'll be back

[demonblaster]

yeah back. Vent

I know it's the easy option to leave and it would hurt a LOT of people, don't wanna do that to them but how much of this crap & how low do ya have to go & how friggen often before I can get a grip on the mutt. I wanna win over this it's had way too much control all life spoilt so much of it. Depression isn't just one thing, it has so many faces. I'm starting to figure stuff out but too slowly, when I start getting close to answers it's like a burst of something that blocks furthur thought.
To go from having someone in your life (28yrs) who loved you more than anyone has & have full security and happiness most of the time to no one, back to being used does wonders for your self esteem though I've come a long way .....pffftttt...
Going back under the line again wasn't ever an option while with loving partner. Untold Black times, pretty much the majority of cycles, but ya get to the point even though I do have a lot of friends they're doing their stuff, most have someone. I can & do stay with some at times or go out or chat but honestly not sure now how much more of this I can take. I do talk a lot (too much full stop which sh..slacks people off, listen too though & care, and talk a lot about BP but most don't really wanna know others downs cause they can't do anything to help or don't know what to say. I don't wanna bog em down anymore, don't wanna talk to friends or family cause if I could put half across they'd be depressed. Don't wanna down people, opposite wanna up and help em.

What the hell is it that takes us so low, wants us to go under. There's two minds at work on us I'm sure of it, if not two souls, whatever 2 of something, Good bad Happy or sad, ying and yang.

Gotta be careful not to go down the self pity path which I'm walking atm, it's another of the beasts tendrils.

Stuff it, goin to bed

[Just Sara]

Sez's here Chooky;

Long time no see eh?

I've been meaning to pop in of late, but your thread was down the pages; you didn't post for a while. Sorry hun...

I've read thru your words and see an undesirable episode of your life unfolding. You've come a long way since your lovely walked.

You and Star have talked about depression being an 'it', but even though there does need to be some distance or detachment from it, remember it's a chemical demon too.

For BP, it seems to be balance that's on the almighty wish list. That's not just a metaphor, but the reality of internal actions/reactions. I spoke with my psych a while back about anxiety and how to minimise it's effects. She told me to control the adrenaline output thru my body.

Most on here are detached from their bodies due to trauma or trying to think their way out of the hole they're in. Analysing can be a momentous tool, but overworked can be yet another demon. Training ourselves to find different routines and 'styles' of thinking, can bring much relief to a worn mind. Just like sleep, connecting with the earth has amazing healing properties.

When my MH was at its worst, I was drawn to the garden, um...weeds. lol, and spent time digging around in the dirt. A feeling come over me reminding me of my grandparents and how they worked the land. It gave me calm connecting with that memory and the dirt; I felt my Nan 'with me'.

Our cellular memories hold amazing power, so when we work our bodies to get out of our heads, the body does its magic. That's on a chemical level as well as giving relief to our minds. In fact our whole system benefits.

I know you're going thru a lot of pain atm, so rest up and take care of your body too. Nothing like a hot bath to free up gravity's effects.

I wish you well dear Chooky; hope springs eternal.

Sez xo

[demonblaster]

Update on vent

Thanks for whoever acknowledged post, is that you Star Wolf 🙂 you were saying you read all posts so wondering though could be someone else thankyou to whoever 🙂 Means a lot. Just read through thread and not really putting a lot of the thread title surviving being in a better place but also need here as a vent spot too. Thanks Star you've had very good input into survival and how you speak I definately am and from others here learning slowly to do, I've always had frustratingly probs expressing although better on paper. I enjoy conversing with you 🙂

Just wanna reiterate to you both Star and Sez, alias chooky 😄 or anyone that wants to, go for your lives if yous wanna open up here, I'm here for yous too, this isn't just for me.

Had first better sleep in around 6 wks I think now, got 7 hrs solid, usually need to fire on all cylinders about 10 but hack unbelievably less amounts over long periods with BP, woke with bit of pain that was disappointing cause last couple days looking like I'm for now on the mend....thank God, didn't need pain relief and has backed off. Phew. Woke up ok for a few seconds then a while crying but overall feeling better, if I can get through this one with the included untold lack of sleep over past 6 wks without BP playing with the sleep, didn't need to, it usually I've noticed makes ya tired as before the highs pop in, seems to feed on tiredness that as we know the depression beast does. (Sez you were interested, thankyou btw xx in knowing bits of BP to understand)
So if this is the worst then I am starting to get hold of this beast, lot of work to do but getting there.
Won't know till this cycle finishes, you can go back up with stimulation which is one of the main ways it comes on and of course whatever chemical or ? reactions go on upstairs.

Thanks listening

Really do hope yous are hacking ok

[Just Sara]

Hey Chooky;

It was me my lovely! My post must've gone thru just as yours did. I'm above your last post if ya wanna read? (How's that for DB speak?!)

I'm here...Sara Sez xo

[demonblaster]

Hey Chooky thanks for insightful reply darl and don't want you to feel pressured to come in though it's same time awesome to have people responding, yous are very appreciated thanks hun.

Yeah I heard too from several sources that it's chemical imbalance with BP and I wonder if with depression too but have recently for the 2nd time read an article saying they don't know for sure if it is yet so dunno but what we do know is Jaysus it stirs up the head majorly. Not everyone with BP poor people have the highs that NO ONE on this earth doesn't wanna feel that way, pure and utter unreal happiness, content, confident, energy, motivation, ideas, and the list goes on, best descript bliss but it's also very stressful too and controlling it which I have mostly on the highs fair way to go is mammoth but achievable.

Yes agree with controlling adrenalin output through bod, I'm mentally pushing it down or when too high, stress associated with it use a meditation that worked in early days when they highs were type 1 ones, super high.

True overthinking we need to work on but I'm convinced we can't achieve peace without thinking about all of this and working out when we've pinpointed problems how to lift from there. I'm going along the paths of trying to work out the why's. When I feel down, what's making it that way, then why do I feel like that. It's mega going into our psych, need to be open and honest probs along mindfulness ways without judgement & yes start thinking laterally.

Awesome you had that lovely memory of your grandparents, how beautiful, weeding is quite satisfying and I'm not a gardener at all but have done some and you see the diff straight away. Quite fun pulling the little suckers out although I love a lot of the pretties that are weeds, asked Mum once what are weeds, she said as far as she knew they're something that they haven't found a use for yet. Good answer, always remember that.

Something I have learnt and know there's a fair few more tears in there to come out but is we have to be very careful not allowing the downs to take us to self pity which is automatic and completely understandable but it's what depression wants, tho if it results in crying not such a bad thing for outlet. Contradiction but looking at 2 sides.

Thanks sweety chooky girl, look out names gettin bigger lol

Hope your days a good xx

[demonblaster]

Yeah lucky I happened to look chooky, may have missed it, thanks girl (( xx ))

[Starwolf]

Hey DB,

Good to read you seem to be getting a handle on the beast. Being able to sleep 7 hours after so much deprivation must have felt like bliss.

I once looked after a dude's dog, house and garden while he was working away half the week. So we used to see a fair bit of each other. He has BP. As an outsider, I found the yoyo effect quite exhausting to watch and experience second-hand. It made me think of a pendulum gone crazy. So I can't begin to imagine what it feels like for those affected.

Recently, I have kept my interactions around the forums to a minimum. I have been unwell but am on the mend. I am starting temporary shift work in a couple of days and am not looking forward to jet lag minus the jet part. So I think I'll continue to make myself scarce in the near future. It doesn't mean I won't be cruising BB, just in a less active way.

Always refreshing to read your posts...please take care.

[demonblaster]

Hi Star,

Jeez you've been having a rough trot with your back how is it btw?
Sorry you've been unwell bud, hope you recover quicker than later poor thing.

Selfishly I'm sorry that you won't be around so much anymore but I wish you all the best with yeah blagghhh shift work, mostly my jobs were shifwork and it does knock ya about esp graveyard shift.

Yeah pretty average atm but nothing like how I was feeling last night in my vents, as with most no doubt here, it just wears ya down, ya get sick of having to fight the mutt. BUT good news is if it stays this way I am picking up without too many yikes like last night. Time will tell but another better sleep should help too.

Yeah BP it's really hard work, incredible what the mind does and going through it on the up which unfortunately I had to bloody work on pulling them down, last thing anyone wants is not to have em booming but knew they had to be tamed damn it cause the higher ya go the lower and my god I'm talking pits. Wicked Black places, frightening how low we can go aye, you become desparate for sleep and desparate full stop.

Take good care of yourself Star, thankyou deeply for all your support and encouragement, I can't tell you how much I really appreciate it and you too chooky Sez Sarah. Woe just got emotional then, hanky plz 🙂
I"ve enjoyed our chats immensely.

Hope the jobs good for you although the jetlag minus jet would be a blaaaa

Be good seeing you along the way, do let us know how you're going aye

Thanks again guys ((( hugs ))) affection 🙂