Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Good morning beautiful Deebi,

Hou will get there Deebi, I know you will, your want is stronger then depression, that’s whats needed..Maybe going out last night with friends helped you without you knowing, I mean if you stayed home without friends maybe more down?....I’m not sure...

Yeas Beasty lets us go forward to a certain level of wellness then he brings us down again and again...if beasty let’s us get past a certain point in our wellness we can then pull out and it then begins to loose because we get stronger against it each time.....so it holds us back from healing...

Its. Beautiful day here..the suns shining , the grass is greening up..birds are shining, it’s a new day, I hope it’s a good day Deebi...

I bought you a 🦍 to help 🐉 today and deendy has a huge 🔥 today, so please sweetheart can you wear them today if you have an out or not...🌜🦄💜👼🌛...

I hope your day today is a good day... on the other side of your shirt/jumper I want to give you a lovely flower broach.🌸 with a tinsy winsy 🦋.sitting on the corner of it, that one wing has lavender, the other has jasmine. When you feel good the jasmine scent floats out to keep you happy. when your sad or anxious the lavender scent floats out to help you calm down...

Wishing you a beautiful, peaceful day today...

L👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩VE Y💜U.....very much D🌹E🦄E🐘B🐉I......

I hope everyday is a really good day..

Love and hugs...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼...

[demonblaster]

Grandy you say I'm a ray of sunshine to you which is beautiful to hear. I want to try and put across how much you mean to me. I know I rave on. Yet another part I'm trying clearly unsuccessfully to to tame ☺

I'm sorry I know this is probably going to embarrass 😶 you again! 🙄 I'll put it here rather than in 'Bouquet of pearls'. I need to tell you this.

Honestly darlin if you knew how much light and solace you give me and to so many others here you'd NEVER ...EVER ...for a second doubt your worth.

You're one of the best 💑 most important people I've ever known.

Darlin you really do make a difference. Please believe in yourself.

T 💑 H 🕊 A 💜 N 🦄 K

Y 🐘 O ☺ U.
Words just aren't enough

Everything Grandy. I can't express it properly. SO glad to have met you 🤗😚

Deep love 💜 and immense appreciation. You're absolute 🦄 magic with a heart of pure Gold.

🤝 we will rise above beasty 💑

So many beautiful people here in so much pain reaching out to help others. Good people deserve peace and happiness.

Let's do it! We can!

THANK 💗 YOU 💖 BB 🕊 and everyone 💕 here.

United we stand

United we achieve

Peace within 🕊

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Deebi,

So many nice things you said to me..I’m ☺️..and 😢..you’re to good to me Deebi...I don’t know what to say...my words have run away...But I really do....Love you special friend so much....

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🦄👼...xx..

[demonblaster]

(( x ))

I don't know what to say here. I know Peps what you say about comparison, can't think how to say it.

The horrors people go through, I haven't had them but I know hell only to well over a lifetime but have had happiness too. Not to say I haven't had a lot of rot and trauma to contend with but not to the degree of poor other people. When your minds against you it's just...

My problem is I don't want to take meds. I want to get stronger from this and believe I can and am. I've come this far and recently cracked beasties back. Not on top by far but progress.
This isn't anyones fault. I've just completed a BV survey having your say.

In my experience unless I go meds even then especially when I did all those yrs and they didn't work they don't really want to know. I'm not saying this to hack people off, I get a few reasons. Demand, priorities, funding and if there's a chance meds can help, I get it appears they don't want to help themselves. It's not that. I just want to leave this life a stronger person due to my non religious not exactly full beliefs but thoughts and to do it from within myself.

How do you do it alone. I'm not alone here I know and can't put the full how it is on friends. I can't really express properly
Help lines if I'm able which is rare to ring, as soon as you mention Bipolar ...and they don't take notes, I'm not complaining it's how it is and not enough resources I get that.
I'm not suicidal, not in the Blacks but having a rat of a time, not all the time either. Todays better but still rough. Overall it's better than it use to be.

Over a couple of days in this episode which I've experienced so often in the past while on the meds, I was feeling I was at the end of my tether. Can't explain it properly, I didn't go off but could easily have verbally not harm to myself or others. Like my head was going to cave in. That's not a good description either. Your tolerance goes to all time low. Self loathing runs rampid.
I got through ok.. sort of.

This is better but what's the point in ringing someone who knows nothing about you.

I'll be ok just need an outlet. What do I do

Grandy you said you don't know how to help me. Everything you say and do here helps believe me.

[demonblaster]

In the arms of an angel, needed that helped me cry again hard. Heard it before.

Beautiful. xx

[Ggrand]

Deebi, hello...RUOK?..

please be okay.....

[demonblaster]

Yes Grandy as in not going to hurt myself

This better than other times. I don't know where to turn tho. I am ok but it's so hard at times.

And think I misunderstood stuff I don't know. Wasn't a major tho if so could be a concern of sorts.

I hope the day comes people can get the help they need with MH and it not be everything is down to money. Maybe not in my lifetime

Thanks Grandy I've hardly said anything here and yous know me probably better than anyone apart from parents and late love and none of them knew what goes on. What its like. It's not like I've said been horrific like people go through I'm just SO SICK OF BLOODY HURTING. Not angry just sick of it. At least I have good times too

Promise Grandy no plans. I started thinking I'm too much for you. My mind finds anything to pull me down and its hard for you

Thank you and I will be ok and am slowly getting there. Felt like another mania was coming on so had sleeper sarvo. Just gets a bit scary and frustrating at times.

Btw in good times I'm starting to be ok living alone. Of course miss him so much but getting use to it. Not in these times so much.

Thanks hun

[Ggrand]

Please be okay Deebi,

I get scared for you a lot, you mean the world to me...You know honey, when something happens here at mine...like the king parrots, or our mumjo, or anything nice, my first thought is I have to tell Deebi, she will love it, Your my first go to person for anything...I’m sorry, maybe I’ve put to much on you, but I have no one here...Your in my thoughts daily (truth)...

I wish I could take your hurt away, I would have your pain for you if it was possible, Deebi you said that you will look after you......,I’m believing in you that you have no plans.. .Youre never to much for me sweetheart, never ever..I look forward to talking to you..I love caring for you.....and others here..

Deebi...Having nowhere/no one in r/l to turn to is so hard and pulls us down much quicker......Maybe mh group, maybe you can release some pain there, I’ve never been to a mh group before so I don’t know how they are.....Talk here Deebi, just snippets to get some hurt and pain out...we’re all here for you...🤗💜🦄..

Hard sweetheart, living alone, it’s been 5 years for me and I’m still struggling, but learning...

Please don’t ever think your to much for me...your not you know, never ever think that pkease....I love you and would do absolutely anything for you in r/l.....I’m limited here in what and how I can help you. I’ve only got my words here Deebi to help, but my words are coming from my soul and heart, I often think if I’m helping or making things worse for you.....

I think I better stay at yours tonight Deebi because I’m very concerned about you..I’ll just sit with you if that’s okay.... with my arms open to hug you.... my heart open to love and care you... my soul open to comfort you,....my shoulder ready for your tears while I’m holding your hand so tightly, watching you very closely and listening so very carefully to you....alway here for you. unconditionally..

Love and hugs..

Good Night special beautiful Deebi, and the other lovely people here...love and care...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🦄👼...🕊🕊xxx

..

[demonblaster]

😭 Grandy I was going ok kinda.

Its so hard doing this alone. 😭😭😭😭

It gets scary really scary. Thankyou for the things you said. You never do wrong by me, opposite I don't know if I could do this without you.

I didnt hear back from the psychiatrist asked twice. Didnt ask again. GP's going away soon.

I can and want to do this without pills but I even considered them just before.

At times its pushing me too far. I feel like I'm walking the edge then I remember what you're saying about its our thoughts.

Im going to get another pkt of smokes and ring suicide line when I get back,. theres stuff I cant say and I've no idea where to go next.

I"ll be ok Grandy if my mind doesnt snap sometimes it feels like it wants to break. Why the hell does it make me remember every million comments that people have said that have hurt. Ive needed to cry like this and couldnt much before.

I can do this but need help. They dont wanna know if ya dont want meds. I dont feel like suicide doing it but HAVE to get a grip

I can and will just wish there was someone I could talk to that knows the score.

Grandy please don't doubt yourself. I'm a heavy load and scared even though you said no that I am putting too much on you.

I'll bbl

Thankyou so so much

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB,

Oh beautiful DB, it’s sad to see you hurting so much and being so down on yourself...the most heartfelt of soul hugs from me...you can have as many as you like.

We are here with you, listening and lending our shoulders to you to cry on...

We are here with you every step of the way...you have your favourite angel and the rest of us too.

You are loved, respected, admired and deeply cared for...

I hear what you’re saying about personally not wanting to take meds. I don’t know much about bipolar but I’m wondering could you possibly have more frequent sessions with a psychologist if you’re not keen on meds to see if increasing therapy sessions helps. Plus s/he can help you learn other coping strategies? I think the main drawback is cost though...

Holding your hand now with comforting (and gentle) squeezes...here, you’re safe with us.

Lean on us...as I said, we are with you every step of the way...

Love,

Pepstar xoxox