Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

BP day 22

Needing more solid sleep. Not as tired. Need to work more on going to bed earlier. You get so relaxed and unwinding ends up often late bed.
Maybe 1/2 sleepers in past few days.
The bodies out of sync. Takes a few days in the beginning of coming down to get back into routine without interference

Still in the downs pretty hard but a bit easier to have happy moments. When the energys extremely low it's too easy to go with it. Have been trying to think on positives but the constant nag of past/present pain. Starting to not always accept first thought only. Learning to re habit's hard but necessary. Difficult not impossible being mindful when so tired. A must being aware of our thoughts.

Earlier in this episode I've not thought of the wrong choice. Have over the past couple days without intent. For now I can keep going with thoughts only till I get my mind made up fully. It pounds at a bloody constant but it's true Grandy it's our thoughts. Can and will change. Hard but achievable I know it!

What holds us (so many) back? It hurts badly. It's not how we want to feel.

• Habitual negative thinking.
We can change that

• So hard to change.
We need to want to. Belief in our strength that we do have helps

• We build walls blocking and locking pain in. We get used to it? Habit

• ? Laziness.
Yes for me (learning to push through)

• ? Fear of being happy.
I'm ok about dying because I'm not happy a lot of the time.
When it comes time to die scared too? When I get happy
Not sure but possibility

• Hard work
Harder living it. Every little step forwards a bit more strength unburied.

• ? comfort security and safety in compassion

Possible. But too hard and painful being in depression.

Happiness is the ultimate reason to live. It IS achievable. That's hope!

Lot more thought needed for this.

When I crack why. The power we have with a made up minds phenomenal. For now I've got enough to keep me going.

Our heads are bullies. We need to teach them how to behave.
Sit boo boo.. sit!

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Deebi,

Thank you for saying I’m a good apprentice..👩‍⚕️😁...your a very good patient, 🤒🤕😁...as long as I have chocolate.... .. The cold cloth on the eyes helps to stop the burning ache from crying, loveliest Deebi, How are you feeling today honey?..

Deebi...I’m pleased that you’re friend is talking to you openly, I can know that you words and care would be a great comfort to her....Hard for you sweetheart, and I’m really very sorry, I wish I could be there for you. I am in spirit and heart, my special friend...Life can be cruel Deebi, and I’m truely sorry..🙇‍♀️..please be okay...
Im pleased you like the little fairies, looking after you...

I seen mumjo from my loungeroom window this afternoon.. It’s been quiet of a night so I knew they were okay....little Joey is so cute, hopping around and just so curious, looking everywhere and playing.....

Your welcome.....Yes C-ptsd same as BP mood drops, very unpleasant and scarey where you go to so quickly...How was your day today lovely? Mine not so good, but I’m okay...

Deebi, do I need to get cream for pumpkin soup? Sorry I’m not sure...

Thank you for being you Deebi....I hope your day was a good day.....love you sweet friend....

Lots of deep caring hugs..🤗🤗🤗..for everyone...


👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼...🕊🕊xx

[demonblaster]

But it had to have the last word, leaving White space I think Croixy said it was. Seriously Sally.

Hey gorgeous, hasn't landed yet but I did a BP update.
So beautiful you are, whispering goodnight, every time you say something I love you more magic dear friend.

Oh that'll be great taking that burny sting out of the eyes, I'll have a go next bawling session which no doubt there'll be more 🙂 No idea why I'm smiling at that thought, HA might scare beasty off.

LOL straight up sweet as long as you have choccy. Got that in one hun 😄

Good it's been quiet, with luck they scared them off and they're elsewhere. Not good Grandy but at least Mumjo are still going strong. What a lovely thing to see. Thanks for sharing with us.

You not going so well floss. You can tell Aunty Blaster anything you know that don't you, if you want. Long hugs darlin.

Thanks Grandy for your love and support with friend. Was incredibly hard hearing her words on the ph especially in the harder downs. It's horrible. Wicked disease. They are gaining more knowledge at least.

If I've got sour cream YUM on serving but otherwise I don't but it'd be really nice in it. You'd want the Philadelphia cooking cream or similar unless you put normal cream in when you serve it I'd think.

Grandy truth darl you brighten my days, thank you for your beautiful friendship, sorry I haven't been at yours for a bit, been watching.
Just replied to a new thread, lucky had noted it but made changes in text box and lost it so waiting to see if it turns up first. Daghh.

Todays better but still not there yet. Thanks asking 🙂

Grandy we can do this. We're strong and survivors.

Love you very much dear friend (( x )) Please take care of yourself.

Thank you 🙂

[demonblaster]

Forgot to tell you Grandy I finished my BV (Bluevoice) application. Been getting some little jobbies done today. Accomplishments.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB (waves to all),

Your remarkable self awareness always shows itself when you give us a BP update 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing...

I feel your lack of sleep does seem to be getting to you (as you’ve said so yourself). Sleep affects so many aspects of our life so I really hope you manage to get more peaceful slumber soon...

I like how thoughtful your bullet points are when it comes to things that can hold people back. Your insight is incredible and always welcome here 🙂 Although, I’m just wondering what do you think it holds people back from? I’m just curious...

I think it’s great that you’re reflecting and doing a lot of research. I hope your research goes well, and that you learn a lot in the process 🙂

Thank you also for the exceptionally caring words you said to me. Your deep compassion is a real gift to us all 🙂

Super soul hugs and much love,

Pepstar xoxo

P.S. Okay, okay, birdy, I’ll let DB off the hook about the choccies just this one time. You hear that, DB? Lol.

[Ggrand]

Hello a Super special friend..

Well done on finishing the blue voices application..I hope all goes good for you...I’m so very proud of you and your achievements....

I read your bp update Deebi, I feel your getting stronger each episode. I need to recread it, my minds not good atm..

I just really called in to say that I hope your day today is a good day....and your heart is gold Deebi...

will bbl

Love you Dear friend...🐘....Lots of hugs, 🤗🤗😘😘..and love 💜💜🦄🦄💜🕊..

I hope everyone has a really lovely and peaceful day...

Grandy..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👼🦄..

[demonblaster]

Hi loves

God this is hard. Just up. Really struggling 😢 Gotta keep it from going to the deeps Deepers.

Didnt go to MH but will sarvo with group I love. Would so easily have stayed in bed. Did for ages. Feel lonely though I could ring people or visit. Have out tomoz with friend I love v.much if it's still on that'll help and sarvo.

Peps Lol thanks for smiles ok just this once, phew off the hook 😄

Holding back from moving forward. It's like something stops or keeps us here. No one wants this pain it's the pits

I don't think its being off the pills because it's still VERY hard but I'm doing better now than in the past with the occasional times easier. (Rare)

Walk soon, feeling trapped.

The other day walking again so close to getting the answers how to get through and again the curtains came down. Can't bloody remember all of it. The excitement I think closes it down. Think it was a small dose of mania. One day it'll happen. Maybe need to focus more on the thoughts they come in fast with perfect clarity yip was a small mania. Seriously guys I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have here and you beautiful people supporting. I can't thank you enough. I can't even put the pain here properly and can't put it on friends as it is I talk probably too much but at least now theres light and breakthroughs to relay to them. Just heard maybe not sarvo which is ok too. Really need to work on this and pull up from me not other stimulation.

Woke at 3 ish read threads till about 5ish slept again.

If no out might try to work at card again haven't for a bit just trying to get through this and blob. Maybe more doona time and Tv. Need to make myself walk. Losing motivation fast

Grandy thanks darlin. Sweety you're struggling too 🤗 and Peps 🤗 Darlings we will find a way outta pain I know it. If we can keep thinking about goods it gives us trickles off light and builds up.

Took ages over last few days posting.

Ok so it is on sarvo.

It's so hard but think I can pull up at least some

Love to you both 💜☘

Grandy 😁🐘 I'll never forget our beautiful friendship. Love you darling angel 💑🦄

Check on you both later today

[Guest8901]

Dear Deebi,

Just caught up with your thread, and also read that you're feeling a little lonely today, as well as trapped. You may well have set off on your walk by now, so I really hope that helps you. And I see you intend to go to your MH group this afternoon. Draw on those around you if you can, as you have some lovely RL friends who obviously care an enormous amount for you. And there are always your devoted friends here too, of which I hope I am one.

Anyway just a brief visit, as I was concerned you were feeling lonely. Wanted to remind you that you're always amongst friends here, and I think in your RL as well.

Watching and listening as always, just a bit quieter than usual. Keep up the masterful research and self insight, you truly are amazing Deebi. 🤗😘

Hi to Grandy, Pepper, Birdy and Startingnew. Sorry I havent been to your threads yet. One post right now is about all I can manage. One day soon. 💜☘

Mandy

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Deebi, you can stop [IT]..xx ..from getting you down deeper...Shoo...shoo...Come on Deebi, pull Deamblaster out...shout, yell at [IT]..xxx.....SHOO...SHOOO. CHOOF. OF BEASTY....Good girl, keep at it, [IT].xx....you are stronger then [IT].. ...

Its good your going to mh group this arvo and for a walk, I know how hard that is when your so low...but you have strength, determination and want in you. I’m very proud of you for going, because I know beasty wants to keep you in bed and keep you crying, but your stronger then beasty..Tomorrow’s out another outing..your good in company sweetheart, the more your with people the more you pull yourself up...Love you so very much..

Hard to describe our pain, but I think, that most with my, can understand the pain your feeling, I know I can, and I feel absolutely so useless in helping you out of it....Awwe sweetheart, you don’t talk enough here, when your ready, we’re all here for you....

Its okay to do the card when you feel like doing it, in time you will finish it, it’s a card made out your love and that can’t be rushed...So when you feel up doing some then that’s okay...

Please Deebi, please don’t worry about me..I will be okay..your important to get yourself up...

Here you go sweetheart, take my hand 🤚 hold tight and never let it go...because I’m not....when your ready we will pull together, because we cannot do it without the other, were in it together..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

I‘ll also never forget our beautiful friendship, 🐘😁👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 as well as your love and care that you have given me....Love you 🦄🤗💜..deeply, Deebi..

Love and really big squishy and long caring soul warming huggly huggly hugs..🤗🤗🤗🤗🕊💜🦄...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy.🦄👼....🕊🕊...

[demonblaster]

Thanks girls 🤗🤗

You both said lovely things.

Other way around what I did today loves. Even that didnt cheer me but was good if that makes any sense. Would have rathered not being around people but they're worth it.

I know I'm getting closer to getting on top but this is no life. Lifted slightly through the day. Not feeling good. It'll pass.

It's like no matter what it has to keep trying to bring me down.

Could be the other side of mania cause I was doing it hard but coming out.

Thank you Grandy for never letting go means the world. You always be ok. Glad your bodies ok pain wise

Mandy you're one of my tops here hun from day dot. Deep L&C for you both 💜🌹

Doesnt matter how hard it is. It's better now than where I've been too often to remember. If I'm not going to leave I have to get on top which is happening slowly. Not sure I'd stay otherwise. It'll happen! Mania will get me through. Other times I can think but not with the clarity in mania. One day.

Deep appreciation and love to you both 🤗🤗

💑💜

I'll be ok ☺😚 you guys will too we just have to hold on till we figure it out. Everytime now I'm getting closer. Not mania talking. Opposite.