Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Thanks Grandy and Birdy

I'm ok not depressed just hurt about some stuff.

Nothing much to say

T😚🤗

[Ggrand]

Good Night Deebi..🦄

Im pleased your not down... but hurting can be a worse feeling then being down..and it can pull us down...

Your post above shows me you are hurting badly,.I'll just sit quietly here with you..

Love you Deebi 💜... big long hugs 🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy

[Ggrand]

Hello Dearest Deebi,

I hope you got some good sleeps last night and your feeling a little less hurt today..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹..

Dont let beasty bring you done, Please honey, your stronger then [IT].xx..I'm really sorry your hurting..did someone make you hurt or are you hurting because you are being hard and down on yourself? Love you Deebi💜🦄..It makes me sad when you're hurting..but I'm here for you, I won't let you go..

Youre a very special lady and friend my lovely Deebi, I wish I could be their with you and give you a real life cuddle and give you my shoulder and take your hurting away.😢..I'm hanging around the forums today, so I'll be here if you need someone..

Im just sitting quietly with you now, my hands are holding yours, my angel wings are wrapped around you sweetheart, protecting you, caring for you, trying to take away your hurting.. Please be okay my dear 🦄 Friend 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

Love you very much Deebi, 💜and here for you..🌹,

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Darling Grandy 🤗

You know the saying truth hurts, that goes if your sensitive or not. Yip something someone said, I'm miffed because I feel downed. I was going so well happy (didnt get happies back after episode before) and my love for that person genuinely runs deep. I think we can learn from everything and I know there's truth but it still bites 😢 When ya get downed it reinforces everything negative that my minds always told me..or people! I've come a long way and a long way to go. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. Thinking.

Something goods happening. I'm starting to work on getting motivated, hasn't happened yet ☺ but realizing there's too much empty space upstairs 😆 as in I don't have a reason to get up. I have to get into things. Nothing much appeals tho Sigh.

Grandy I really love and appreciate you like you wouldn't believe. When I'm hurting or got the whoops or both I either lash out or shut down. Need to work on that. Know I always deeply love you please believe me. I get confused.

I'm being totally honest here. I need to stop being so dependent on you I know that. It's out of love, it's ok not obsessional or cyber love it's genuine friendship. I hate being so damned passionate, love hard, hurt hard. One day you're going to be a CC, selfishly I'll miss you terribly I love we speak usually a couple or more times daily. You make me happy and secure. I do have a lot of love in rl and have people contact mostly now moreso and as you know the nights and alone time can be cruel. I love your and others company here and obvious other reasons like support and help others when I'm in working order 🙃. Please don't not do CC I am, but not that selfish, I'd rather leave the forums than you hold back. Maybe I will tho dont particularly want to stop posting here. When I first came Starwolf was the only one and Sez came in occasionally and the odd drifter. That's not the only reason I love her so much. Don't wanna bore yaz 🙂 with same stuff different day eh but that way I can not be so dependent on you. I'm sad cause I'm buggered if I know what the hell to do for the best. Hard work this bloody head seriously.

Thank you for you 😚🤗💜💚💗👀🤝

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Deebi, Please listen to me and try to understand, I can't be a CC.I tried it like a trial run for me....I tried to answer newbies, I couldn't do it...I am no good at it, I'm not comfortable doing it...I was only toying with the idea, Deebi I'm not good enough, and I can't commit myself to doing it...

Deebi, can I speak the truth,,,. I cried today because I didn't hear from you this morning, I don't know how to put this into words that you will understand..Deebi, I'm sorry, but I am depended on you, I trust you..My tears are really falling Deebi ... ..I'm sorry Deebi if I've caused you any hurt at all....

[Guest8901]

Oh Deebs, I read with so much sadness, your latest post. Then my heart almost pounded through my chest. Have I hurt you? You wrote on my thread a few days ago, and I responded. You never wrote back. Have I said anything to hurt you? I never meant to. Maybe it was here? I dont know. What have I written?

I've had a horrible couple of days, and now I feel guilty on top of it. I'm really sorry, but I dont know what it is I may have said.

Karen - I know you've felt lonely the past couple of days, but I have not been in a state able to help. Hence my lack of response. I'm sorry. I feel your pain, but do not wish to add to it.

Amanda

[demonblaster]

Ahhh darlin 🤗 these are the big hard but gentle long hugs.

God I'm hurting you, oh Grandy sorry darling (kissing your forehead) you mean so much to me. When I see you've posted I feel a happy warmth come over me and that's before I read it. Hun no I don't want at all to leave you but I thought it'd be easier to ease off because I thought you were going to be a CC and be too busy to continue how we are with our time support mucking round and friendship. I know the love would stay but time would be hard for you.

I've read a lot of your posts to people, believe me Grandy you are so worthy and good enough, you speak clearly and with sense, so much warmth and compassion. It's part of my insecurities. When I get my head in more order I'm going to support people more, have started again but long way to go.

I ALWAYS want to be your friend honestly. I love you so much. I care and love others here too but feel the same, if you weren't here...

I am sorry darls I was hurting still am a bit but have to learn not to let shit ruminate, hard but it's up to us what we do with our thoughts hence our feelings eh. It's learning how to deal.

Grandy imagine us hugging holding hands laughing talking under our blankies with our Tia Maria. You're so beautiful, love your heart 😚🤗💗💜🍫🌹

[startingnew]

Hi SL

Im sorry i tried to read back but im not retaining alot of info so even though i read most of it i cant bloody remember half of it.

Im sorry your hurting try not to let the beasty win. Its a dreadful place

Just sending love and hugs your way and wishing you a peaceful sleep 🌷💝

[demonblaster]

Hey sweet 🤗 No darlin you didn't say anything that hurt me at all. Let that guilt dissolve.

I've been 👀 you and saw your reply you have a lovely demeanour Mandy, very easy to like and love 💜 but cause I was in a hump withdrew. I want to try and work on it but before I use to push through and it took/takes at times literally hrs per post so from that I've learnt if I need to I can do things but have backed off mostly trying although it is distraction temporarily I guess too. Frustrating tho cause as you said to Grandy ya just don't feel like you can be of any help eh sp that's why but I'm pulling up again so back on deck.

See you at yours ☺ (I know you weren't saying to come over) we'll have to do some stars and get into Peps picnic baskets.I know you said recently you may be quiet which is fine. Maybe we could discuss campfire there, wanna ask you something about that 🤗

Hoping today brings some light for you lovey, you're overdue my darl. 🤗💜👀🤝💗

[demonblaster]

?BP day 2

Would explain a couple of things. Was for 2/3 nights awake 4/5 times nightly and went back to sleep.

Was hurt over something but went very hard down with it for couple of days.

Woke yesterday morning quite inspired to make changes with my mindset which is great. To start doing things to busy my mind and have focus and goals, trying to figure out the whats atm.

Today woke 4.30am couldnt sleep tried few techniques. Showered, going to try again. Can't take sleepers have to go out in morning.

If it's not BP good cause I'm starting to make changes for the better on my own steam but experience tells the only times motivation slide in and clarity is in mania. I'll try and be productive in a low key way.

Haven't heard from psychiatrist or healthy minds yet but they'd both be busy and will check with GP thurs.