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Surviving: Being in a better place

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

 

4,820 Replies 4,820

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Randomx,

Little towns can go two ways, for or against a person, this little town was developed when they decided to build a dam here for cotton farmers, The part over the highway were the Bosses home, not big but not government housing, down my end all government housing, Still this way today, rich the other side us poor folk this side, The town is divided, The other side of the highway have a bad disposition and don't mix with the village residents,oh both sides talk to each other but that's about it. To walk the entire town completely around it one hour, to do the village 10 minutes,

To tell you the truth I'm completely over everything, I live in my home 6 days a week, I only go out 1 day sometimes not even. When I had the shop everyone was friendly and told me their business, I have so much information about people in town, I think that's why they yelled and carried on at me, before the shop was closed I lived in the next town, so there secrets were safe. I have never nor never will repeat anything that was said to me..

I don't know, I try and keep trying to get myself better but there is always something stopping me, why everything goes wrong with me I will never know. I really feel like giving up trying.

If I wasn't here on the forums, if I didn't meet the people helping me I definitely wouldn't be trying, but the care and time people have put into me, I owe them to try.

I will try and take that walk this week, I can't promise I will but I will promise I will try, if I can't get myself out there to go for a simple walk, well...

Merry Christmas Randomx .

GG

YK
Community Member

Hi DB

MC🎄. I'm in a new relationship with a guy, early 40s and I think he has Undiagnosed BP.

I know he takes meds for depression, but he also has anger issues, anxiety, paranoia, lacks sleep and pretty much can change his mind like the dawning of a new day.

He's very defensive or me broaching seeing a GP about a MH plan. I feel like you he tries and often succeeds to keep the darkness out.

But in my eyes the dark times are more than the light and I fear the long term effects all of the stress and anxiety he is experiencing now (due to a personal issue he is dealing with and will be part of his life forever.. Without disclosing)

Why did you wait to seek diagnosis?

what changed your mind?

How do the meds Improve your well-being?

What are the side effects?

If this is too personal it's cool. I just really don't know how else to help this guy I care so much about. I feel his pain and the anger in him is deeply hurtful.

peace and thanks

keep reaching for the light 😊

YK

randomx
Community Member

Haha , hi ya db , that is great news , good for you eh.

l'm talking to someone to atm. but she ain't just anyone, love so much about her , she's my thing head to toe butttt, very early days so trying not to get hopes up eh ,

Althoogh gf and l officially only split a few mths now, we were onand off all year and being long distance haven't been able to get together all year so it's sort of really a lot longer than jus a few mths.

But some days talking to this new one, gf is still in my mind and heart and later l feelsad in all that but so happy about N too, go figure eh. It's a bit scary and l know how you must be feeling. Graet advice from gg , gonna take suma that myself too.

Sorry Grands , what a , well l better not go swearing round here eh.

Just between us though , l was chuckling about all those secrets . Always wondered why people tell shop owners anything as if they're old trusted friends yet really don't know them at all, pretty funny l always thought. You van rub your mits together with a little devil grin and have a chuckle eh.

But eh , don't think everything goes wrong for you. You had a lotta guts and you went out on a limb and tried something big most people would never have the guts to do.

It's hard having or opening a business don't worry , l've worked for myself 25yrs and been near under plenty of times it ain't easy stuff grands but you did it , you gave it a go.

Maybe walkings not for you l can;t remember but l think l read somewhere you loved walking but if not something else. It'd really help.

l didn't expeot to like it but l wound uup loving it because the town was so beautiful at night and l couldn't affird to do much else. but as l went on it became in my head a way of saying to the locals, wanna give some shyt well , here l am.

Just my warped way of dealing with their crap haha.

Anyway if you do give it a go find a little torch to take with ya, great for looking in the trees or where ever at any wildlife.

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
MC🎄back atcha YK welcome thanks for coming

Does he have times (mania) not everyone with BP has it poor buggas just the downs, when he's really pumped full of ideas, projects, energy, (Boundless) chattier than normal, happy beyond, confident, cruisy as, loving life, sleep as you mentioned frig all if any.
Depression before it comes on, and can be too after (for me both, deeper after) it's VERY deep.

YK said: " Why did you wait to seek diagnosis?"

Didn't (soz caps lock) wait, when I was 15 ish Mum/Dad offered for me to see Psych but at that age it's "NO I"M NOT CRAZY". I knew something wasn't right since I was old enough to be self aware & at 46yrs or bit before a chook at supermarket who I could relate to seeing her highs and lows said one day she was BP so from there I thought more and approached them

"How do the meds Improve your well-being?"

Psych didn't think they'd work being such a late diagnosis & not for that reason I don' t think they did anything, I couldn't have been higher (not hallucinations/grand deur or dellusional luckily) or possibly go any lower with depression, god it goes deep.
I've worked/wokring on mind control, emotional control.Got the highs down from type 1 to type 2 or a bit higher.

"What changed your mind?"

I strongly believed I could do this alone, was totally against meds
HATE being a cow letting out shit on others and did hurt a couple of people in anger & thought NAH this isn't how I want to be or to hurt people. Never want to do that.

"What are the side effects?"

I haven't noticed any but not to say there aren't a few for others.
Have reduced dose over the yrs with Doc supervision and aim one day to be in complete control and off all.

I understand his reluctance to get help but it's too much to do alone, he's got a loving supportive partner in you who seems to want to understand & help, he could risk losing this if he doesn't get help and it's seriously to savage without some guidance, release.

When he's calmer are you able to broach him about his anger & that it hurts, it would.

Thankyou for asking and for "keep reaching for the light" Gold 🙂

I'm open to any questions, it's great someone wanting to know as opposed to me just babbling on for education

Very best let me know how you go if you like



 

 

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Heyaz

YK I replied earlier but they're probs flat out so post not through yet 🙂

Random Yeah it was very rough on you with the break with X wasn't it if I remember right, and seems you still have feelings for her, but stoked for ya having new chooky that you're so into. Wooo hooo go go 😄
Early days for new & lot of history for old aye, how long were you together, I do know but can't remember, think it was a decent stretch. Do they know about eachother, not telling you what to do I reckon the best way even if it's going to hurt someone that we don't wanna do is being honest, imo it's showing the ultimate in respect to someone.

Happy for you but hear your undecidedness (yeah red squiggly line saying not a real word but hey this is the rebel in me lol)

 

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hey GRANDOM ...:D 😄 😄 ...yeah... I'm on demand. That's Grandy & Random nifty huh

Yeah/Nah it's good thinkfing about stuff. Grandy you said friendship first thinking a lot about that. You've got a very strong nurturing spirit you speak to people with heart & .. what's the bloody word...you're on point with such depth & ......arghhhh... I like thinking , part of is how to bloody explain things it's so hard at times (a lot) get there eventually usually laugh in the process . I like most people
Makes me feel cared for & warm too Grandy your compassion runs deep lady. Read a few of your posts.When I can put across how you are you'll like yourself too. Work on it Grandy. Is it beasty talking shit or stuff to work through. End result peace.

Your beautiful comment "enjoy today with next door," G, saw the bloke from before that I made pretty obvious I'm in if he wants, think interest but in net relationship. Rejections rejection even if a good reason. Quite like him but pffttt didn' t happen there either, got a beaut hug tho.
Yeah not too closed heart aye Grandy, lifetime of wearing heart on sleeve, hurts like shit arrows straight in. When I fully like myself getting there it won't hurt cause I'll have confidence, have a fair bit but nowhere near enough with self worth.

We like someone cause they make us feel good, pleasure, meet needs.The excellent people you've got on your side Grandy, one day I'll make you realise how amazing you are. You're easy to love trust me

so thinking about this fella, I'm finally starting to respect myself. Want someone to like/love me first, it'll mean something. Been used way to much. See what happens. We do time easily, chat laugh talk good being around people you can talk about anything with. Like him a lot said keeping that bit of heart closed I did come down hard on that one Grandy thankyou for saying & everything you say & you said I haven't led you wrong wow that really means...
we're cards on the table easier that way. Can't be bothered with bs

Can't quite find my happy beans they're coming back slowly in bits. Man ya come down here,it's part of recovery it's peaceful around here, don't walk everyday did 5 hills yesterday one a whopper & down first at about a centimetre every couple secs lol
Loven these dirt track hikes your bodies going all over the shop a good workout. The others were enough to get a good puff happening


YK
Community Member

Hello DB

thanks v much for replying.

yes he has the highs as you described and in these times it feels like he actually likes me and himself.. life in general. This can be from week to week up and down and also larger cycles like literally a completely different, calm, confident person and a sad, stresses, angry, selfish guy.

He has made comments and possible "wishes" that I now wonder is he in control of.. Or when in a mania is he too delusional. Does this happen with you?

I guess all peeps are on different levels but I now struggle to know the truth of what or how he feels (about me or otherwise) .. As for instance a text message can be obscene and insinuate the expiry of our relationship and another will say he loves me... 😩😲

the paranoia has hurt me the most and has to do with him not trusting me and thinking I'll abandon him. But it also extends to believing others are trying to go against him... So I don't take it personal but it's kinda frustrating.

Do you experience this?

I have spoken to him - on many occasions about his language and anger, changing his mind last minute and neglecting my feelings. But he doesn't stop and blames me.

Yet on the flip side he is very caring, kind and good fun when his mood is right.

Atm I'm not close to him as he's said and I agree he needs space and time to deal with his own life.. But he hasn't however told me that includes looking inside and outside to sort out his MH.

I don't want to push him but fear him going it alone... And he literally won't respond or accept me saying I will support him. Pride?

He has mentioned in the past of being not strong enough as he had no support. But he hates me pushing and pressuring him to seek help, acknowledge his behaviour etc.

I mean, this forum for eg. Looks like an awesome start.. But now I'm on here aaah I feel I've sold him out!!

Have you experience with AOD? As he also went sober for 3 months and has turned back to drinking and pot which he has no control to stop and I can see it does not affect him in a good way.

Why is he doing this 😔

I also heard being misdiagnosed (with depression) can be really bad for your MH.. For ex if you have BP. Any experience?

do you find it difficult to talk to people you are close to about real life stuff?

Sometimes my guy just literally says "I can't talk now". That's how somber his mood is. 😔

Ok my tutor!!

Thanks for helping me.

Enjoy your evening and focus on what you enjoy!

Appreciate your important insight

YK

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Thankyou YK. Nah you're not selling him out, you're trying to understand to help & this is good for you to be able to talk. You're anonymous and there's respect here. Just your head trying to pull you down.

Mania's the ultimate in happiness, you feel complete peace with yourself & EVERYTHING, confident, you just buzz. Bliss. Total opposite on downs, they take ya sooo deep to places so dark so much pain deep dislike in yourself & yeah anger's huge with stress & exhuastion which you reach everytime when the body loosens up. High stress makes your body tense, I felt it so tight moreso in type 1. Higher.
Trying to control this is like trying to stop a tsunami with your hands. It's MEGA powerful but amazing to go through the mania
The downs last longer for me 2-4 wks recovery sleep & depression about a wk's average for mania

No he's not wise to try this alone. Yes I think Pride. Stubbornness too but helps getting through which let's hope he tackles
You clearly care for good reasons but that's too hard for you being the brunt if he's not going to try or get help. Pulling you down. You're a good person not wanting him to go it alone but you also need to look after your own MH. Does he have anyone that he'll listen to to back you up

I don't have much paranoia now but use to, asked Psych if it's part of & can be, crap scenarios of having arguments with people, didn' t know them necessarily but just shit, the mind makes up crap. Could be anxiety only recently realise that runs hard in cycles. Maybe a stress release, it finds ways out, needs to. It's really hard work, the stress goes into overdrive up/down. Easier to go with it but we need control over our emotions

What sort of comments & wishes? Don't say if you don't want 🙂 I'm not usually delusional as such though I get stronger belief in things that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can be strong in BP though. I'm mostly rational luckily. Start heaps of stuff & don't finish. Consistent with ADHD, if anything maybe ADD.

AOD Alcohol OD? Yeah & pot seems consistent with MI for many, I think it's escaping pain. They're downers but it's the wild side comes out. Beasty pulling us down I like grog but usually can't afford so drink more socially & ok without but hit it hard & pretty wild when younger

coming back


demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
? been abandoned in past
Yeah probs my biggest fear's people dying that I love, was 18 when Dad died damn it & living in other city. So final
Insecurities big with depression, low self esteem, always someone around to knock us aye but beautiful ones too

Yip misdiagnosis is dangerous cause if meds involved the wrong one's could be making it worse & not treating the symptoms.

I talk broadly about BP to a lot of people for understanding & knowledge, we should be talking openly about anything that pulls people down but can't put on people the deeps, they'd walk away depressed but I make it as clear as I can how deep you go if sense in that
I've got a life line atm first time in life, off shoot of MH someone amazing to talk it through with & we get on really well, great listener very good at his job, speaks with respect & knowledge, really good fella.

Haha your tutor, very happy to help hope it is. Ask anything & I often forget to answer stuff if so just poke me

Enjoy your night too YK. Feel free to say more about how you're feeling too, this is for you as well 🙂

IMO for your sake a step back x

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello DB,

Sorry I didn't reply earlier then this I'm having trouble with something I seen...Thank you kindly for the nice words you spoke to me...

Imo, if you and this fellow can sit down and talk for hours you know joking, laughing, talking about yourselves, life in general, enjoying each other's company, I think that's the start of a beautiful friendship. Getting to know someone, their likes, dislikes, hobbies, food they like, their beliefs, just getting to know their personality is necessary to develop further then friendship.

DB, If you respect yourself and the fellow sees this well he also will respect you, then you will respect him, goes around in circle. You have a huge, gentle, warm heart DB, I know this from talking to you, Let this fellow see this, he can not help but like/love you. I do. Let him talk, you listen and help him heal, just being their for him is you showing your respect for him..

Please DB, you only need a few happy beans to get it started into full blown happiness, the few you got well nurture them feed on them, think about them, only happy thoughts, they will grow..

I haven't really tried to get out for a walk yet, sorry for that, but I will try tonight, or tomorrow night, It's so hard to do this..I can't take my dogs, as soon as I put their collars on they both drop their heads to the floor, poor little darling, they don't like them and I won't force them..

(L&C)..always DB.

kind and peaceful thoughts,

GG.

Im talking gibberish atm, my minds not concentrating well.