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Surviving: Being in a better place

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

 

4,814 Replies 4,814

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
haha ...pwetty purple pinky, yeah fingers aren't quite broken yet how bout yours I'm giving them a bit of a thrashing 🙂

Got about hr & half sleep, do you through the day. Helped, thinking need to get back to normal before next cycle hits. Had another walk with brother & their gorgeous dog, feeling bit better, when I woke was thinking about depression damn Grandy thoughts start running start geting answers or good thought goin on then it fades off, friggen concentration never been great but can
Still bits is ok as long as it's happening I guess

Been heaps of thoughts since I lost him about going back to GC & Uni hospital where he had chemo, hard times but good parts too. In your face but when you have to deal you have to aye

I didn't ever think I was strong Grandy, until so many said & why, when I thought about it.... yeah ...

Healing it's I don't know how to say G, comes from in us thinking about it. Helps good

Want to talk more but it's so hard getting thoughts out clearly esp when we're blaghh but most of the time bloody anything takes an age you've said same & heard some from others too

Same I hope to get you girls doing, if someone says something good about you, is it right. One of the hards is being completely honest with ourselves both ways about our goods & what can be changed too. Gotta like ourselves Grandy, all our times with our own head

Sooo much magic in you, you're nurturing compassion ,gentleness, care, ooozes out .
I'm so glad we've met we're helping eachother Grandy lady xx

Been coming & going into this taken ages but not just trying to focus only that drives ya nuts aye. Any sense there lol


demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
glad you're interested in depth too Grandy, I wanna know why

Love connecting with people

Sounds like you wouldn't meet many if you walk and be good to have bit of company in short bouts, I know you get nervous, even a nod & smiles good.

Wow your stars sound awesome, yeah light interferes, bet they're magic. I get some at home but have to lean over balcony to see em all but can go somewhere to get REALLY good view but night time, nah, have but...

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi DB,

I leased the little general store here in town it was a take away/ post office/groceries, I was stupid to do this but I did, my life's decisions are really crappy, anyway due to me getting sick with MH, and the residents not using it, I had to close, I lost heaps, I had to sell my home and downsize, ok, this is what happened when I closed it, The residents in town got angry with me, they never used the shop but no mail service here ment they had to pick their mail up at my post office which was inside the shop.

They got angry because now they had to travel into the next town 35 kilometres away. I had a lot of them coming to my home, yelling at me, calling me all sorts of things, day and night, this went on for months,

The town is it's hard to explain two sections, the main road splits it. Where I am the village the smaller section, the people here were ok not happy but not to bad, over the road well that's where most came from that was yelling at me.

the shops been shut nearly 3 years now, still no shop in town, people have settled down, we have a mail service twice a week, but the hurt and guilt is still sitting in me,

I am not good at any life decisions I make, it doesn't matter what I do I ALWAYS make a mess of things.

Thats another reason why I don't like to go for walks outside. People are mean and cruel I don't want to mix with people anymore. Here on BB I have found kind people, in the real world there are none.

sorry about the rant, but I thought I will let you know..

(L&C).

GG.

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Never be sorry for talking Grandy, love that you're opening up

There are good people in rl (real life) we're real people, I know you care for us, it's mutts like them, where do they get off the.. Urghhh

I read about this on another thread today, one day I"d like to read yours too & couple of others here too, takes so long reading in threads to catch up & some of the posts as we know can take an age to do.
Oh & thanks that you've read mine, been meaning to say for ages.

Would you want to move or ok there. What about the lady opposite or close by she seemed nice I think you said before.

The people aren't too bad where you are G, maybe you could just doing little walks to start or what about driving somewhere nice and doing a wee one to start with.
I'll be with you holding your hand virtually

IF I wake which I could at 5 bloody 30 am cause you're going to watch sun rise tomoz, I'll do it with you but no promises, been thinking though so that counts aye.

Feel the peace absorb into you pushing out the stress & pain

Should be here but in case I hope your days good Grandy and that you get some needed rest

Grandy you're so lovely xx





Gday db and grand.

Hope it's alrighttt me dropping into whaateverr thread thi s is l forget but damn grand that's one shit of a story. Very unfair on you .

Remoc,inds me of where my little cabin is , same deal main street two sides they had mail troubles too. So unfair on you though hgrands. They'll be settled down now thoigh and probably all feeling bad for being such jerks at you. limagine it must be hard but l agree with db , and you might get a nice surprise out walking about.

l satyed over my cabin for 12mths after my divorce, l was sure whole town hated me an all talked about me.l'd never stayed there before. But l started walking , went in the dark, it was bloody beautiful and to hell with them. An then l progressed to a few day time ones and low and behold people even talked to me . And yaknow in the end l miss that town now and those walks.

So , ya never do know grands.

Well ho ho ho to everyone , and you two ladies be good and if ya can't be good then be good at it eh. 00

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi DB, Randomx,

Yeah Randomx it was scarey , but I know everyone's not mean and cruel, just got upset writing that out. I think I wrote it out before on another thread, "how to say no". Thing is these people that were going off at at me owe me so much money, I used to let them put it on a tab, They still haven't payed up, they won't,

No I can't sell up, country house don't sell for much, I had to sell my house property 8 acres, "that was where we lived when hubby was alive". to try to keep the shop open, used that money to keep shop running for a while, lost to much so I shut it down bought this house and paid all the bills off, and that was all the money gone.

This is going to be hard for me to say then do. I will try and go for a walk, but not tomorrow, let's say before Friday, if that's okay. You haven't led me wrong yet, so I will try DB.

I have 2 side neighbours only, out front is hundreds of acres grazing land, out back 2 holiday homes, never had anyone in them. One of my neighbours is ok, I don't talk but we wave she's yougaslav no English,

Been awake all night again, 4.25am now, so ill definitely see the sunrise,

Merry Christmas DB, Randomx, everyone else as well,

(L & C).. DB,

Have a peaceful day ,

GG.

😄 always enjoy your company Randomx, great to see you thanks for dropping in. Yeah hope they do feel like pratts, there I have got a lady like bone in there somewhere, don't like it though lol easier to swear 😄 😄 😄
Good idea starting walking in dark & Grandy how cool is the ending to Randoms walking & doesn't sound like many around so very proud of you before fridays a good idea. & I think & hope you'll benefit from it. Love that you're open to trying things.

WOW didn't think I'd hear from him again and understand he wasn't ready but got a call last night, this is the bloke I went in hard for hurt like a mother for a few days was Sooooo happy so we're gunna see how it goes. We talked easily again for nearly 2 & half hrs Wooooooooooooooooooooo, not my way but think I better keep that part of my heart closed but then I say live for now ... shit life's too short he also has serious heart probs like beautiful late did too. They can't do anything for him. Scared what late said might happen, have to go through this twice. So to contradict I say live for now & if it hurts again deal with it then & enjoy now. SO when I get back. YEAH

Was just yesterday starting to pull up now I'm buzzing.



randomx
Community Member

Merry Christmas one and all.

Sounds like a rough unfair sitch gg, damn. Town reminds me so much of where my little cabin is too, could easily end up in the same type of sitch with something like that in this place too. l knew they were all talking about me too but at least some talked to me in the end. l know it was a different sitch and without all your shop dramas but yaknow , just sayin. l never knew how to handle it and l was alone going through divorce and very depressed , missing my daughter and little family. The home we'd finally just bought 2yrs before, all gone to shyt, broke.

l felt like that whole town knew but really they couldn't have.

If it's any consolation many a people put all they had into a business venture turned bad gg, have myself .Don't be so hard on yourself about that , best brains around have done the same thing. Even my dad was wealthy all his life but passed away broke losing everything in something he git stuck in. Business is hard takes a lotta guts , should be proud of your effort most wouldn't have the nerve to try. lt wans't your fault , someone else could open up the damn po then , yaknow

Wish l could offer some wisdom with the locals there. My cabins on an ac neighbour behind and side both hated me, l put up a little shed blocked them out haha.

But l'm really not much good at getting by in the tiny town locals thing so hopefully some others here can offer some wisdom

Only plan l could come up with in my sitch and l know it was very different to yours but still , for some reason it was all going on behind my back l knew that much , was to do what l wanted and to hell with it. So bit by bit l started doing it . with the few that did talk to me l tried to hit it off a bit with them and maybe l get a few in my corner in the end haha.

Hope everyones getting through today.

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey DB,

Im so very happy for you,,

I think just imo, to talk and be friends, sometimes friendship can develop quickly and progress into something bigger I really don't want to see you hurt again, it took so much out of you, love you and care for you, you fell hard last time.

I think you said he doesn't live far from you, so that's a bonus. Ohhh I'm just as excited as you are.. don't close all your heart of, you have a huge loving heart DB. He must be interested or he wouldn't have rang you, be gentle and protect your heart.. slow and steady win the race,

When will you see him again?

I can feel the buzz in your words, it sounds really good to me.

Enjoy your drinks tonight, and the company.

(L & C). always. {{{hugs}}}.

GG

Hey 🙂

Reply not through, did it earlier