Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi, yes I can relate to feeling that others will judge us for our sons, that's why I told no-one the first time ...the shame and stigma ate away at my soul and made me doubt my mothering to the core. Now I can see that I did not cause my son to take drugs and the follow on of bad behaviour , he has been clean many times and deeply regrets his behaviour but again then falls back to old habits. But of course I can help the swirling of emotions that torture my thoughts at times.

Even visiting my son in prison ,the guilt and shame would engulf me , wondering if the staff looked at me and judged me , it was awful I cried a lot .

If I only had answers? the pain would ease , when he's in prison I feel safer ...strange as that sounds ,at least I can talk to him and see him , now free he is a lost tortured soul with no direction . But here I sit and wait and pray for him to see the light ...hopefully.

I so hope your son gets through this , all we can do is be there and love them ....which is never doubted , he knows I love him maybe that's keeping him afloat ...I desperately hope so .

Take care

July

[JoeDee]

I found this topic after doing a search online. Although it is a post that was created several years ago, it so much resonated as I now I am having to deal with a son that is in prison awaiting a trial. He is only a young man, childish and unaware of the consequence for what he has done.

I am sure it has come as a shock to him but the heartache, anxiety and emotional stress it is causing me and the family is immense. I have been emotional and tearful, finding it difficult to come to terms with and deal with daily. My boy is a bright kid, that had a great future ahead of him. Through association with bad company lost his way and went off the rails. I can only hope some good can come from this and that he will turn his life around. A wake up call and in strange way I feel relieved somewhat too.

I am glad i found this post as the similarity is there. My tortuous journey has only begun. I am hoping to see him as soon as i can. Taking it a day at a time.

[Doolhof]

Hi JoeDee,

I would like to welcome you to the community here. You may have seen me posting on this thread. I do not have children and do not know anyone in the prison system. My circle of friends is not all that large.

I am very aware that I have made many mistakes in my life and I have been very fortunate to live my life as I have. Wrong moves are very easy to make. People can be very convincing, wrong choices can be tempting.

I'm sorry to read about the situation you all find yourselves in now. I can't imagine what it is like. I hope your son is able to reach out to you for help and support and that you can see him soon. Do you have people you can call out to when you are not doing so well?

We all need someone to listen to us. This is a safe place to share if you need to or want to. Once again, I state I have no idea what you are going through, I can't feel what you feel, I just want to acknowledge what you are experiencing.

Regards to you.

[Nameless1]

Hi JoeDee

So sorry to hear!! I do remember the feeling of finding this thread and reading July’s and others conversations. I read it all . My son had then been in remand a while so my comments only began part way though this year.though he was arrested last year.

I will write more tomorrow. It is late as I reply but wanted to make sure you knew we were still reading and commenting on this thread . You are on a huge journey and need support you might not get anywhere else. I am happy to share and listen and cry with you .
My son has just had parole granted but it will be another 9 months before that is completed hopefully successfully. He will be coming home soon . We haven’t seen him since last year with all the Covid lockdowns. All feeling nervous as to how he has changed. He worked hard in prison in a job and gym and keeping active and busy . Tennis, going to the art room and courses kept him hoping to cope
You might not here much from him but keep emailing him so he knows you love him.
Will write more tomorrow

Nameless1

[July]

Hello, I'm sorry that another mother has to endure this , but my hope is by posting my story ,other parents can feel not so alone or stigmatised by their childs actions. Maybe if you read through my posts you may find something that resonates with you , I have played my life and journey out here ...good and bad ...highs and lows . We all have different stories to some degree... but we are all parents struggling to get through a very heartbreaking situation. I have not found the answer , but I am just a mother loving her son through his addiction , the prison time is just a by product of his addiction and consequence of his behaviour whilst under the influence...unfortunately . Apart from the destruction of their behaviours ...we know our sons deep down and who they can or could be , that's what is so distressing .

I hope you find some solace here and we are here to chat ,express or just listen should you need it and above all share the love of our kids and and profound hope the future becomes brighter .

Take care

July

[Nameless1]

Hi July

How are you going? Any improvement or changes to your son?
Mine is now out on parole. Interesting times!! My husband or I have been taking him to parole meetings and urine tests. He also came out of prison 30kg heavier.. some muscle, some from eating a lot more than he had felt like before. In the cottages they made a lot of deserts!!! .
As a result he needed new clothes As other phones bd has were confiscated he needed a phone too.
He was by pretty nervous shopping at first as it was the first visit shopping post release and also mine to a shopping centre since Covid restrictions eased.

There have been a few problems with a bank account and a fine that he couldn’t call in because even after a month overdue it wouldn’t go to the warrant stage which is when you can call it in. So he is feeling stressed and we needed to chat for a few hours one night .

He was going to set up his gym but been to busy with doing the setting up a phone and buying clothes as nothing would fit. The good routines gone though he does cook and clean up the kitchen. We need to discuss a few things as he asked me why I hadn’t washed his T-shirt dumped on the laundry floor !!!!
Today has been a hard day as my daughter had booked flights down from Sydney to stay for her birthday with family here. After discussions he said it away okay to come but not sure if he could face other family so he went out with a good friend for a while then slept!!!! Hopefully he can get onto other tasks .
Feeling overwhelmed wt m all k

Fun times!!

Wishing you all the best as I know you have been through this a few times,
nameless 1

[JoeDee]

Hi

I met my son for the very first time since he went in. It was such an emotional visit, I was, I was in tears all the time. I got to hug him, didn't want to let go. Eyes hurt from the tears i shed for a good few hours. However, he seemed to be in fine spirit, relaxed, happy and normal! Seems like prison isn't what i thought it might be. They have freedoms, food, area to work out and other support initiatives. Until the outcome of the trial will determine the length of stay. For now so pleased just to see him face to face.

I won't be seeing him again as I'm not vaxxed. Not that im anti vax but waiting for a non mrna vax to be released, hopefully soon. Until then, he knows i won't be visiting again.

The other prisoners appeared to be ok, just goes to show you can't tell who is a criminal just by their looks alone. One of the prisoner is a father of a young boy. The boy kept saying by Dad as he walked away. That was sad to see. Lives of others, families are impacted. Never thought i'd see the day. We live and learn.

Hardest part is i have spoken to no one. There is no outlet and no one i can talk to either. Thanks to this forum there is some kind of outlet.

Later.

[JoeDee]

Thanks so much. Read my reply to July. I cover off most of the points. Best wishes to you and yours too.

[Nameless1]

Hi JoeDee

It’s hard. You don’t want to tell anyone and bring shame on them and judgement on yourself and who to talk to for advice is also hard.
look up the corrections site for your state and they have things to read about going to prison… I only found it just before he was going to court. It can take a while before being sentenced.

Finding July’s lists were the most helpful reading . Due to Covid I didn’t see my don for 15 months. Don’t forget to organise “Email a prisoner” and the one for money to send some funds each month. If he gies to the art room or anything else hands on gets a job and stays active he won’t get so bored. My son did a d then taught leatherwork and has home with amazing things he has made !!

Take care of yourself and ask and say as much as you want. There’s a lot I don’t know .but it helps to vent to each other .
I see a good counsellor to help stay strong in myself so I can take some control of the situation. I agree It is totally hard and unbelievable situation to be in!
take care

nameless1

[July]

Hello all.

Yes at first when I visited my son I would cry the whole time, seeing your child in prison overalls with the word "prisoner " on the back was very painful. No matter what ...they are your child and despite what crimes they have done you still see "your child". My son was great in prison and I feel safe when he's in there as I know where he is . Actually just today my older daughter got a text from him just saying "hey how's everything " from some random phone number we don't have ? she replied to him but still has not got a reply back .The not knowing is the killer , the worry is all consuming , who knows ,I just have to hope and pray eventually this resolves itself but I won't hold my breath .I am glad you got to see him that connection is so important , to hug them is what a mother needs to sustain herself through this . Keep the faith ,take care .

July