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Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July
Community Member

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

570 Replies 570

Bell890
Community Member

Hi, I’m very new to this. My youngest son was incarcerated on Wednesday and it was the most heartbreaking experience I’ve had to endure. Watching them take him away and the fear in his eyes is all I can picture. I can’t stop crying as I’ve heard nothing since they took him away and it’s breaking my heart. I thought I would have had a phone call on where he is etc but nothing. He has to serve 18 months, which is going to be the longest 18 months of my life. I can’t sleep and have hardly eaten due to feeling physically sick. I just want to know where he is or talk with him. We are very very close and I just know he would be feeling the same as me. I just want a phone call to know how and where he is

Hi July Nameless and welcome to bb Bell890 ☺

Thanks for posting here Bell and of course July and Nameless too.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through and yes it must be very hard for your son too.

I can't give much or any advice as I've not been in this awful position that's absolutely heartbreaking hun I do feel for people going through this. I can offer my support though ☺

I suggest if you're up to it Bell maybe in small patches which might help is reading through this thread that could give you some comfort and understanding of the system.

You poor lady I do get you're so wound up not wanting to eat hun wow your head must be in such turmoil. Can I gently encourage you though even if small amounts can you try to lovey. You for yourself need as much strength as you can muster and to be able to support your son.

If you get more run down you don't want to get sick and it's so much harder to deal with hard times like now.

Wondering could you see your GP that might be able to help with a support group and you'll always have here of course and some meds to help with sleep would be a big plus.

Bell I imagine it feels like you won't but you will get through this.

Only a good loving mother would be feeling as you do.

Care and support hun ☺

Thank you so much. Another day gone and still haven’t heard anything on where he is or how he is. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday and will have a long chat with him as he is a wonderful doctor and he knew my son had his court case last Wednesday as he is also his doctor. Maybe once I hear from him I might be a little bit probably not much but a little less anxious. I’m staying with my best friend at the moment as I just can’t stay at home without him being there at the moment. Thank you for your support, it means alot

Hi Bell July Nameless and all ☺

You're very welcome darl.

It's late atm so bed soon I just wanted you to know I'm here and listening.

Should be back tomoz

Thoughts ⚘

Yes by reading these posts it’s slightly helping me, it’s all still fresh in my mind and still cry at the drop of a hat as I still haven’t heard anything on where he is or how he is and it’s breaking my heart even more. It’s been nearly a week since he was incarcerated. I’m just hoping it’s somewhere close so I can make regular visits. I’m just so so lost

Thank you, well it’s day 5 and I still know nothing, it’s really breaking my heart. I’m thinking of ringing today as no one answered over weekend, to see where he is. Once I know, I don’t know whether to organise a visit or video call if he is too far away or do I let him contact me once he is settled where he is put. I know my son well and he would be upset that I was a total mess when they took him away(he has a lot of empathy) and maybe he wants to leave it a bit until he is in a better frame of mind so as not to sadden me when he does ring. Either way it will break my heart after I have spoke with him. But will stay strong whilst I do when we finally talk. I miss having him at home as he really helped me a lot around the house as I have lupus and depended on him quite a bit. 😓😓

Hi Bell890

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Sorry I didn’t answer straight away. I check every day usually but no one has responded for a while and things busy as my son is on parole and living at home. If you have time just stated posts in 3915 and they were so helpful and I hope mine are helpful too . Takes a while yo get through hers and many others but comforting yo know you arent alone which you aren’t

is he in remand or sentenced?

it takes a while to process things. He will be somewhere first then quarantined somewhere else then moved . It took over a week before we got a call from the prison to say he was okay and would ring soon.
if you look up prisoners snd corrections for your state it will have details about what happens when you go to prison. Let me know if you want the link .
Then he will have to give them your details and they ring you to check. You can then set up an account so he can call you and you put money in each month . It is cheaper if the call is to landline . You can set up emails too. It’s all in Email a prisoner . You can send money so he can buy extra food and things like socks and magazines amd snacks etc at the canteen. I can tell you more of you need more info. Just ask.
With covid restrictions everything takes longer . It is hard to know where to get information so ask me about that too .

Chat again tomorrow if you like

nameless1

Hi

In Victoria there is “Prisons , Corrections and Parole “ you can look up snd each state has something similar that give information.
it will be a shock. It totally changed my son for the better and stopped him from ending up in a worse place.
Chat Soon

nsmeless1

He is sentenced to 18 months so will be out September next year. I have just got information up on process and about to read it. That makes me feel better that you said it takes about a week. I have doctors today as I’m just not coping and now having a lupus flare. We are in nsw so will also look into email side of it. I have started writing a letter and when I know where he is I will mail it or hopefully can email it, just so he has got that to look forward to

Hi Bell 890

Did your son spend any time in remand or was he on bail? Does he have the opportunity to get parole?

Many parents like us find we need counselling . My husband and I were meeting weekly at one stage to manage our guilt and feel of being judged. Also we couldn’t talk to many people and sometimes we just needed to talk about our son. We didn’t even tell family or close friends except 2 who we knew would be understanding as they had kids with mental health issues like our son did… which was part of his drug involvement. Otherwise Just a minister and doctor knew . However he wished he had told more in hindsight. You probably need to ask your son who he wants told and respect that but suggest he might like others to know or it is difficult once he comes out .

He may not even want to talk to you often as he might be focussing on coping with his new life. The sentenced part of the prison is different tomremand. More things to do. If he can work and do courses and gym time will go quicker and he has something to occupy his time and mind with. Otherwise it can be boring my son said. It helps in getting more freedom if you are seen trying to do the right thing and stay out of trouble. They also get moved to lower security accomodation . My son shared house with some other guys and got to buy groceries and do there own planning amd cooking. Best thing. He really missed those guys at first. He learnt good routines and self discipline but also that he didn’t want to ever come back to jail. Hopefully that continues and no lapses. Once out on parole he has met with a parole officer and done a one on one course called kick start which helps look at how you deal with past habits and making food habits and how to deal with different situations. This may be an upsetting time but if your keeps his head down and learns from all this it might be for the best. My son was empathetic and loving too but had become someone different on the drugs and a bad lifestyle. More like his old self now !!

I’ m glad you found the information. But please ask anything . There are things to help family as well. I didn’t find this till later in his time in jail. No one tells you about this stuff.
my son was in remand for 11 months then sentenced for another 4 months in jail 8 months on parole which he is half way through. I want ro make sure you benefit from what is out there.

Nameless1