Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Anne,

Don't ever doubt yourself or your worth as a mother, you are very important  to your son, they all need to cross that bridge in their own time, maybe like you said write to him and talk about whats been happening in your life, like your visit to your cousins, ask about him and how he is managing, tell him you think about him and want only the best for him, open your heart a little, I know its scary but show him there is a place for him in your life.

If he doesn't respond, you still know that he would have read your letter and it would have stirred that emotion in him, of course it is very upsetting not knowing whats going on with him, but at least you know where he is, so to some degree its a relief.

The pain of him being incarcerated will stay until he is released, its just a matter of trying to get used to it......some how, some way, but we manage it as best as we can and of course our emotions can go up and down at the drop of a hat, a comment, something on tv, a sweet memory of that precious little boy growing up, they are our sons above all ....a part of us, we could never forget nor would we want to.

I'm glad you had that time away and talking about our boys will always bring up that emotion ... the tears...completely normal, we are mourning them in a way as they are missing out on life as we know it and that is sad, but we must continue to live our lives to.

You and I and Donna and all the other families going through this deserve to be happy to, life will go on for us on the outside , but part of us is on the "inside" until they come home, so stay strong.

You can beat this .....we all can, take care.

July

[A_Tech]

Hi Anne,

First, I glad to hear that you did get away and that actually had a good time! Well done to you. We went just for a weekend, just before his sentencing and I even though I had a great time, I had that guilt in the back of my mind that I was out enjoying my freedom on a weekend away while he was there. But, I know thats no my fault.

About the letter issue, I agree completely with July. Just do it!!! 

I could only handle a week before I had to write, it was so unlike him to not contact me. But he just needed time to process.

My best friend, that he's known all of his life, said to me a few weeks ago that she had been thinking about writing to him for months, but didn't know if he would want that. I told her the same thing, to just do it.

She didn't know what to write, so we started to reminisce about some good old times we'd had, suddenly we we're both laughing. So that's the type of thing she wrote about. First contact, she kept it upbeat and happy, knowing my brother thats exactly the type of thing he loves. He hates pity (on him), and only likes to remember the good times.

He was so happy to get her letter, he's even written back to her and they've decide to stay in touch now. I know for him, he still wants to know whats happening in our lives, wants to feel included even if it is only this way. What he can't handle is the thought of hurting us, thats when he shuts down! 

So, we're a happy family for an hour every week , but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Just keep trying. If you do want that contact, write those everyday nothing letters about silly things. Make him laugh to bring down those walls, it will work! 

Hubby and I are off to Hawaii in just under two weeks, 20th anniversary! This trip has been booked and payed for for over a year, only now I can finally say that I feel like I'm happy enough to go, that he's going to be ok. 

That I'M going to be ok!!!

I honestly believe that your sons lack of response to you, has absolutely nothing to do with you as a mother. I can almost guarantee that its more to do with his own feelings of guilt about what he's done, his shame.

We will all get through this because we have too. Doesn't seem fair though somedays does it?

Please take care, and we'll talk more soon,

Donna xxx

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi All

Thanks once agian for your kind thoughts.

I was hoping against hope that my son had written when I got home but no.  I keep waiting for a letter acknowledging my attendance in court but no.

I don't know what to think anymore.  His last letter said he loved me and wanted me in his life but he isn't showing it.  Do I have to take all the steps to reconcile a relationship he broke.

The questions seem endless.  I am a good person, tried my hardest as a single mum to do the best I could but that doesn't count for much when they turn their backs on you.

Donna it is so wonderful to hear you are off on holiday, I hope it is relaxing and strengthening and you come back refreshed and centered.  Get some sun and surf for me, I don't drink so if you have a mocktail think of me, haha.

July I hope my letter and presence in court tugs at him just a little but i suppose I will never know that unless he writes.  I did do the best I could with them growing up, we all makes mistakes but I did my best with them in mind, he might not see it that way but I did.

I hope and hang on to the thought that one day I will be happy and hopefully that means my son back in my life.

Love you both

A

[A_Tech]

Hi Anne,

Unfortunately your question about do you have to make all the effort in a relationship that he broke? Well the simple answer is yes. I know that it's wrong, he broke and he should be a man about it and fix it. But he won't. That's one thing I've learnt the hard way. My brother was so filled with shame and guilt at what we were going through, that's why he couldn't face us. He just didn't know what to say, or how we would take it. 

Even though we've stood by him for over 2 yrs through this, he was so confused over his own feelings about his sentence, that I think it clouded everything for him.  Once I wrote to him and told him that we were still by his side always and loved him more than ever, the walls came down. I told him I understood he needed space to deal with it himself, that I wasn't going anywhere and to just let me know when he was ready to see us.

It took a couple of weeks but I got that letter, he was relieved, worried that we might have finally left him :-(.           I know it's not right and certainly not fair, but you just might have to make the first and second and third  move, until he does respond. He's told you he loves you, if you feel in your heart thats true then don't give up!

At least it will show him how much you really do care and love him. Thats so important. My brother hasn't heard from our mum, or anyone in the family apart from dad and I, since he was arrested. They all walked away and he feels that even though he doesn't say much, I can see it. Your son doesn't need to have that feeling of being abandoned by his mum because you DO love him and want to see him.

Please don't give up, it will destroy you if you do and I would hate for your son to feel how my brother does.

Sending BIG squishy hugs xxxxx

[Hopefullseeking]

Thanks Donna, I suppose I needed to hear that I am doing the right thing in trying to fix the relationship and not being a hounding mum.

I want to write to him and tell him about my holiday, I told him I was going so I will write to him and tell him all about it.  If he doesn't answer then I will wait till christmas and tell him all about that,  I quess I have to keep the letter neutral and I will say how much I love him but won't push it.

Hopefully he understands that if I am writing to him that is my way of wanting him in my life even if he doesn't want me in his at the moment.

Your and Julys support and encouragement keeps me going, thank you.

Have a wonderful trip Donna and we will hear all about it when you get back.

Lots of love

A

[July]

Hi Anne,

I can feel such sadness in your words at times, you are not "hounding" your son.....you are loving and supporting him which is the right thing to do.

It doesn't matter the reason they are in prison, its a reality that we all have to live with and... by god its hard, the hardest thing we will ever have to do, but stand tall with your commitment of him, our kids need us more right now than they ever will.

Write to him..he will appreciate it and those few words in a letter can bring surprising comfort to them, its their only connection to the outside world , my son tell's me he often re- reads letters that I and his sisters have written to him, the written word can be so powerful.

I believe your son still has that wall up for what ever reason, just like Donna said you need to keep fighting for him, when they hit rock bottom which is obviously ending up in prison , its like going through the five stages of grief ,you have to ride along with them , its not about accepting their bad decision making, its about trying to find their way back from the reasoning that got them there .

Be honest in your letter writing , say what you need to say, you both need each other, its not your fault he is where he is.

Some days you just wish you could wake up and it was all a horrible dream, but it has made us value things a lot more I think, there is nothing more valuable than your children.

Take care 

July

[A_Tech]

Hi Anne,

I really glad that you feel the same way that we/I do about having the support from each other.

With your son and my brother I finally figured  out that it all comes down to the usually male emotional thing. They either can or can't show it.

I think as long as your letters and the content are similar to what ever relationship you had before, then that's they key.

My brother was never an overly emotional person, which is why I keep our visits happy and upbeat. If I need to discuss something more serious, I try to let him know in advance that next visit I need to talk about whatever. Doesn't always work, but he knows I'm trying.

I have hope that it'll work with your son too, but I'm still quietly praying too (and I'm not even religious!).

No matter what though, you did all that you could as long as you try even once. After that it is up to him. Even if it's not now, he will come around at some point, that I know! I've seen it too many times. Eventually they all come to realise there actions, need to make amends for them and that usually starts with family.

Be strong and stay safe xxx

[A_Tech]

So here we are, at Sydney International Airport waiting for our flight to Hawaii.

So why don't I feel as happy as I think I should? We left Perth, that was great. We even received an upgrade on the long haul flight from Sydney to Honolulu up to Business Class! Insane, these things never happen to people like me. 

And yet here I am less than 30 mins from boarding and all I want to do is either cry or go home!!!

[July]

Hi Donna,

I think your emotions are completely normal for what you have been through, its probably the letting go.....even for a short holiday to enjoy yourself, knowing where and what your brother is going through.

But you need this, all the emotionally draining situations need to be balanced with some relief....some time out so to say , you cannot be everything to everyone, you need to re charge your batteries so don't feel guilty.

Just relax and enjoy this brief reprieve, your brother would want you to get on with your life, your husband and family need you to, so fly free and breathe deeply, this is "your"time, we can't put our lives on hold to, the world is still moving.

A completely different environment can do wonders for our mental health, taking yourself away from the stresses of life is giving yourself that breather, so have fun and relax, invest in your marriage and you will come home feeling so much better.

Upgrading to business class...wow what a bonus, you deserve it ,thats a sign, good things can happen.

Take care, 

July

[July]

Hi Anne,

I hope all is going well with you, I visited my son last week at the prison farm , he is doing really well and looking forward to coming home and starting a new and happier future.......thank god drug and alcohol free, we always talk about his sobriety and how his life will balance on this and the strength and resilience that he needs to uphold.

I know he is scared to be released...so am I, but we need to work together and I will support him in any way I can to ensure he stays on the right path.

He will have an array of parole conditions to abide by which is good, random alcohol and drug testing is a big one, so its good he will have rules to follow whilst still adjusting outside life.

He will be living with us at home...that is going to be strange. I often walk into "his" room and look around, a clean and tidy bedroom, a queen size bed, clean ironed clothes in the wardrobe waiting for him, the creature comforts he took for granted before, the small things in life that we don't realise how wonderful they are.....till they are gone.

A family home to enjoy, a family to love and support him, he can stop"running" from life and take in all the beautiful things we are blessed with, he needs time to absorb all that has happened and realise just how lucky he truly is, his heart needs to heal, his mind to adjust...he will be fine I know it.

My feelings of being his mum, wanting to nurture and look after him, like I did when he was a little boy, making sure he is safe and warm, my motherly instincts are starting to go into overdrive as we get closer to his release, I just want him to be grateful he has another chance and appreciate it.

I am also quietly proud of myself.....after everything I have been through...I have survived this awful situation and come out the other side..maybe learning some valuable lessons myself, I have had many down times but I have helped my son through the worst time of his life.

Its not over yet though...not for a while, this story will go on.

Take care 

July