Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi anne,

I hope you try to get some respite from the situation and try to relax, but its hard when all you think about is the turmoil  we are going through, its hard to 'switch off', even yesterday as I was out taking my other young son to the shops, I saw the prison van that takes people from court to prison, it was leaving the court and was at the lights turning onto the main street, so familiar I know it well, and for me knowing there would have been people in there going to their fate.

It really upset me and brought back all the horrible memories .... my heart was racing and I felt like crying, my emotions just sitting under the surface, and that reminder takes me back to the beginning of my nightmare , so I understand your tears oh so well.

I would write to him.....maybe not now ....maybe down the track when you feel stronger, take your time after all he is not going anywhere, so time is on your side at this point.

You can really think about what you want to say or not say. I know its hard and confronting but only you know him and the decision is up to you, so don't feel you have to rush into anything. 

But remember he is your son, and you are always his mum that can't be broken, so trust in your love together, it will survive despite all of the obstacles in your path.

Take care and I wish you peace.

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

I understand the trauma that a prison van would stir up for you, with me it is police cars but I am heaps better than I use to be. When my son was in trouble last time and the police were a constant visitor to my home most of the time they were nice to me but occasionally you would get the nasty ones.  During this period of P life he was committing petty crime so the police were always looking for him.

I thought once I got here with my cousin the depression would lift some and I would be able to be happy here in there company, not so, still struggling with it and always on the verge of tears, this alone I am finding really disappointing, but as my psychologist says I am a brilliant actor.

As far as P goes I want to wait a bit and see if he responds to me being in court, if not I will write and tell him all about my holiday here in Melbourne and not refer to the court hearing or anything to do with it.

My depression has improved incredibly since I have been seeing the psychologist this year, my psychiatrist last session was talking about reducing my medication which I never thought would happen, the claws of depression still are anchored into me, I can feel it pulling at me and trying to bring me down, I won't let it.

Most of my depression at this time comes from my son so I suppose it is to be expected that I am struggling with it due to the court case and seeing him again after so long.  I am still feeling hurt that he only acknowledged me the once in court and then ignored me and didn't wave good bye, I'm his mum. I have  been told by so many people he would be embarrassed, ashamed, etc. but doesn't he know mums forgive.

I didn't expect to still be feeling so much pain, does it ever end.

Hugs

[July]

Hi Anne,

Its normal to have all those  feelings stirred up, after each and every event associated with our sons incarceration, and of course him only referring to you the once in court would be hurtful, but he knows  you were there  and that would have meant so much to him deep down ...believe me, because you have had that separation from him, it will take time for you to build those bridges again, I felt the same way, it has taken quite a while for me and my son to come to that realisation and acceptance of each others feelings.

We are not only mother and son, but we are individual human beings with different thought patterns and emotions, so we still need to navigate our way through this mine field, it has to be slow and steady, maybe he is afraid you have'nt forgiven him, thus his distance, he could feel unsure of where you really stand, so communication is the only answer.

I found visiting my son in prison, in a way, forced us to confront the issues and made both of us open up to what was really going on, don't get me wrong, it was painful, confronting, distressing and draining, but it got us to where we are now, through many hours and many tears.

Talk about your life and whats going on, but you and him need to address the issues if it is ever to be resolved, there will come a time when you are both ready to confront the whole situation and you will find that comforting and the resolution will bring peace to your life and his.

My son has been in prison for 19 months now, he's had two birthdays in there , he is clean of alcohol and drugs, he is considerate of others, he is a model prisoner, he has reconnected with his family and realised we love him and he can love himself......and forgive himself, its all taken time, but the pay off is so worth it .

I have great hope for you to , just hang in there and look after yourself to, he needs his mum despite all ....he truly does and you need him.

Take care 

July

[July]

Hi Tony,

I just wanted to say hello and let you know how much your words meant to me, the post you wrote me on July 29th where you said to me "You don't even know it.... that you are a wonderful human being " have touched my heart more than you know, when I'm feeling a bit low, I look back and re read that post and I feel a warmth in my heart and it uplifts me to a better place......a few precious words can heal.

Thankyou.

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

Thank you once again for your kind words and encouragement.

Its so wonderful to find someone that understands how I am feeling, yes I do get stirred up every time I see, hear or read a letter from him and I'm am so tired of it, I want it all to end but that is life with a son inside. I somehow have to learn to put him aside and deal with the emotions when something happens.  I have to learn to live my life outside of the turmoil he has caused but it is difficult. He is my son and I can't turn the feelings on and off like a tap.

I am really enjoying my holiday down here and putting my son and the feelings of him on the back burner, in 4 days I will be home again and I know all the old stuff will come back.  I am hoping there will be a letter from him saying how wonderful it was that I came to court and how thankful he is to see me, but i'm dreaming aren't I.

I am off to the markets today so will enjoy that and for a little while I will forget all the turmoil.  I suppose life is like that. 

Hope all are doing ok.

[A_Tech]

Hi everyone,

I was going to ask how everyone's doing, but then I read the recent posts!

July, I completely relate relate to what you said about the prison vans. It still happens to me. It's been 2 1/2 years since he was arrested. My job used to be in the city, so I would see them all the time on the way to the courts. We also live about 15 minutes from the remand prison, so they pass by the major road here ALL the time going anywhere. Also, the number of prisoners that we used to get through theatre was fairly decent and it never bothered me either way until he was arrested. Suddenly I had more empathy for these patients than others did, (BIG down fall) but I KNOW that they appreciated it. Of course nothing was ever discussed.

So it's been two weeks now since he was sentenced. I still haven't heard a thing. I did write a letter to him, told him how much I love him and that we all still support him, that nothings changed. I was honest and told him it broke my heart when he denied our visit, mainly because he hasn't bothered to let me know why, still.

I did get a few messages from the trouble making gf, telling me it was my own fault and that he couldn't see me like that in prison. I have never gone in there upset,I've always kept it together, played happy families, then lost it on the way home.

So gf and I end up having an argument (she's never been to one court appearance, wasn't at trial or sentencing) as she tells me I need to stop being so selfish, it's not all about me, its him thats lost 19 yrs of his life not me, so just get over it!. She got told where to go!!!

His birthday is in a week and a half, so I will try again then for a visit. If that gets denied, then at least I'll know for sure.

I hope everyone is doing ok, I think about you all so often. I really don't know I would have survived this last 6 months without you ladies! Thank you so much. (yes, I'm feeling much better and calmer about things!)

Talk to you soon,

Donna xx

[July]

Hi Donna,

I can relate to being more empathic to patients, yes we have had at times, prisoners brought into ED and with guards, and I hear people talking about them rudely and very judgemental, despite what they have done, they are entitled to medical treatment like any one else, and I have never had a problem with any of them, once we had a young guy who was handcuffed to the bed with both hands and I had to actually feed him because the guards wouldn't help him and probably  didn't care less, he was polite and respectful to me and that was fine.

We shouldn't let judgements interfere with our work, but it goes  on all the time .....prisoner or not, I'm sure you know what I mean, and I hate seeing it.

Its good you wrote to him, that would have meant a lot to him, but be patient I know its hard, but it will take some adjustment, its so hard visiting a prison, I found it so embarrassing crying in front of a room full of strangers ....yet somehow we all understand that pain, the other relatives would give you reassuring looks and smiles , as they to feel your anguish.

As for the girlfriend she has no right to tell you what to do , you are his sister...his blood, she is no one and obviously doesn't care that much or she would have been by his side at every step.....how dare she!, don't even waste your time on her, your brother is the important one here, not her.

I would send him  a birthday card and even if you can't see him, don't let go , your patience will be rewarded eventually, he needs time to settle and get used to this, I hope the rest of your family is coping well , I know the family serves the sentence as well, people seem to forget that, its never far from your mind despite trying to carry on with life.

I'm glad you are feeling better, there will be lots of up and down days, but you find a way of living with it.....its called love and commitment , just do the best you can, with thoughts are with you, and we are hear to listen.

Take care 

July

[A_Tech]

Hi July,

Well wouldn't you believe it! I should've have had more faith in him than that. I KNOW him better than that!

Any way, literally the day after I read your post to me (which really helped, thank you) I received a letter from him. I don't think I've ever taken so long to open an envelope ever, I've never been one of those 'oh but but if it says this', I just do it.

And it was exactly as we thought. My initial instincts of my brother that I know so well, as well as I know my myself! He was only worried about me and my son, he said he couldn't bare the thought of hurting us and just wanted to deal with that first. He was more concerned with us, than the sentence he had just received. And he loved the letter I sent him stating our still unconditional support.

So yesterday my son (he's 19 now, freaks me out every time I say that!) and went to see him. It was without a doubt the best visit we've ever had. I think we all hugged as hard as each other. Today we have another visit, this time so our dad and my husband can go, as they sat day in and day out by his side court with me. We are the the only ones still ever visit him regularly. 

It's funny and sad when the guards know and recognise you because your there so regularly. I remember once when I was making a phone booking for a visit and gave my name, (because it was a last minute booking and not usually allowed) the lady on the phone said 'Oh no thats ok for you, it shows me on the computer that your here every week or two, in fact your the only regular visit he has so we'll do what we can for you'.

The staff where he is have actually been amazing, those that we've dealt with. But apparently he's such a "model"prisoner (ironic right?) that he has two jobs and is a peer support person for new inmates. If only he had drive out here. 

But the upside is that apparently 20-30 officers and the superintendent got involved to petition to have him remain where he is, even though it's a remand prison (make no mistake, it was one of the maximum's before that and is still somewhat run like it) definitely looks like it, with the high gun towers and razor wire. So he's been granted special permission to remain there until either he decides to leave, or unforeseen reasons that hey have to move him.

This is fantastic news!!!!! I live 5-10 mins away from there and dad is only 15 mins away. I finally feel like things are settling down somewhat, thank got!!!

Running out of word space, I'll check back in soon xxx

[July]

Hi Donna,

I am so happy for you and your family, to have that peace and reassurance that you knew was always there, you are his family and I knew in my heart, he would come to realise what is most important and for him to show compassion and comfort to you is a wonderful step forward, he just needed that time to access his life and make a move towards making better decisions in his life.

I know that feeling of hugging them and that desperate feeling of trying to make things better, that bond of love that connects you...... despite all, as you see , your love and support of him will actually drive his desire to be a better man, to redeem himself whilst doing his time, after all ,it is about rehabilitation.

It is also great for you,  to know he has let his guard down, and there are people who will love and support him through this, I found this a great help with my son to, to let him know he doesn't have to put a wall up and we are not going to abandon him at his darkest hour and at his most vulnerable..... we will always care.

I also found the prison staff helpful, I was very nervous wondering if they would judge me to ....but I have had good experiences and many officers have said to my son.....this is not the place for you...meaning he can make good choices with his life and just made one wrong choice......luckily not to serious. I found many guards become sort of "surrogate fathers" for some of the young men, giving advice and maybe the discipline they lacked in younger years, which often leads to wayward kids.

I have great admiration for the staff, they are trying to make a life for these people and teaching them some life skills and most of all to look inside themselves and solve that problem that is within.

Prison is not just some place that you throw people in and forget them, there is a multitude of issues and regrets and painful decisions that need to be dealt with.

Until you are involved in the prison system in some way, it all seems to be someone else's 'problem' until I found out it was going to be 'my' problem, and oh have I had my eyes opened and ....my heart, as painful as it all has been , my son has learnt a great deal ... a lesson well learnt to.

Its great your brother will be close, so stressful having to travel , it takes me over a hour to visit my son, thank you for sharing your story with us, I am just so happy for you to get some good news.

Take care 

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Donna and July,

I had a wonderful holiday in Melbourne, it was so nice to get away and leave all the horrible stuff behind me.  I stayed with my cousin and of course the topic of children came up, I explained about my son and did get upset, they thanked me for my honesty and it was mentioned again.

 I got home hoping for a letter from my son but there was nothing, dissappointing. I'm not sure if I should wait or write a letter talking about my holiday just to keep that contact going and then see if he answers it.

Its hard to know what to do.

I have not been the best since getting home either which has again been dissappointing.  My shrink was talking about reducing my meds last time I saw her but I wonder if that is a good idea.  Letters or no letters make me up and down like a yoyo.  Never knowing how he is feeling is terrible. 

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it is easier for him to have nothing to do with me, I so hope I am wrong.