Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

I am thrilled that he has written and made contact after so long, really happy about that, we can start to make a new relationship, yet again.  This would be the third time.

Now comes the hard parts, I actually can't cope with the contents of the letter.  He is acting the same way he did last time so I don't think he has changed any.

His gf (been back together now 3 years, I didn't know this so it says a lot) and him have a very long history of love, drugs and prison.  She had just gotten out when they met.  They have a history of using drugs together when they lived together.  They are very close and it is obvious to me she comes first, but then you would expect that, he loves her and visa versa so if I want a relationship with him it must be with her to.  When she is clean she is a really nice girl but I don't think two addicts together work.

There was a lot of talk in his letter about having children and that scares me, if they become addicts once children come along I am not physically able to care for the child/ren so foster care would be the only option.  There was so much more in the letter that I don't want to go into here but I can't cope with it.  I can't process it as my shrink would say.

If I want a relationship with him I have to step very carefully or else I will lose him again and I don't want that. I know of two friends that have lost all contact with their child because of the child choosing their partner over their parent.  I have had only one letter, not counting the last one, in 2 1/2 years and I think he only sent that one to tell me he was back in prison which I didn't know.

I have to be so careful with what I do and what I say.  I stood up for myself and challenged his behaviour then didn't hear from him in 2 1/2 years, don't want to go through that again.

Its all so complicated.

A

[July]

Hi anne,

I completely understand, there are things we can't say on here due to privacy and sensitivity surrounding our issues.

His behaviour I would assume is still  influenced by the long history of drug taking, thus the same old patterns are current, until he is weaned off drugs his behaviour will still be erratic and his thinking is clouded, this can take a long time for the drugs to be completely out of his system, my son was the same, his cocky attitude and defensiveness took a while to subside, I knew it was the drugs talking, but it was awful.

His girlfriend might be nice "off" the drugs......most of them are, but she is still an accomplice of your sons drug taking and is therefore part of his down fall, probably talk of children is a desperate attempt to keep the relationship afloat, but he will be in prison so that puts a wedge in their plans....hopefully and as a parent you do not want him to have children when they don't have their lives together yet, they need to sort themselves out before bringing an innocent little life into it all.

I just saw my son today and we spoke about children and he said he was so glad he didn't have kids yet while  going through all this and so am I , he actually said he is so happy he is clean and sober now  and would never go back to that ,as he is enjoying and appreciating his life ....precious words I have longed to hear, and he said he's wasted so much time and now has so much to look forward to.

True .....tread carefully and its natural their partner will come before a parent, maybe support him and keep a safe distance from the girlfriend as you don't want to give the impression you support their lifestyle, try to stay neutral cause if you push to much he will go to her, at the end of he day, he will make his own decisions regarding her and his life, so you need to stay in the back ground somewhat , but keep a parental eye on him to some degree.

Your relationship has moved a step forward and thats where you want to keep going with it albeit.....slowly, and it will be complicated , but he has made his own decisions and its not your fault, like my son , he is a grown man and has to take responsibility for his own actions.

 I feel your pain and anguish, but you can get through this , believe me, don't let a few dark clouds ruin your beautiful sky, it will get better , tomorrow is another day.

Take care

July 

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

Had an appointment with my shrink yesterday and she agrees with my analysis which is if i want a relationship with P I have to have one with his girl friend to.  She also commented that P and his girlfriend come first, which I hadn't thought of but is true.  If I don't accept his girlfriend and his life style then I won't have a relationship with P.  All this makes me very sad.

I have to basically sit back and keep my mouth shut and not say to much or I will lose him.  I haven't seen him for so long and all because I viewed my opinion and said I could handle his continued drug taking.  I don't want to lose him agian.

As far as him and her having children that is fought with danger.  He is clean now but he is also locked up.  When he gets out he can't seem to stay clean.  Then what happens to the children, I physically and mentally can't look after them.  I know I am jumping ahead but all this is going through my head and I can't shut it out.  P and his girlfriend have always been close and on and off now for about 10 years, I think she will wait for him, she did the last time and most likely goes to visit him.  While she is doing that he doesn't need me, this would be his thinking I believe.

My head is spinning, all I cna think of is I don't want to lose him again but as a mother how can I not say anything, I always have his best interests at heart but he obviously doesn't see that.  He sees me as interferring.

I suppose I just have to sit back and see what happens.

I hope your visit with you son was good, it sounds very productive and seems his  thinking is going in the right direction.

Thanks for listening

A

[A_Tech]

Hi all!!!,

Well I'm still here and I survived the trial, although it took a very unexpected turn right at the start.

My brother had been in remand on this charge for 2years and 3months before it finally made trial! The whole time, although admitting to me his involvement, he was always always planing to plea not guilty due to the involvement of others also and yet my brother is the only one that has ever ben charged (because he won't 'rat' them out, what a joke!).

We showed up on the Monday morning expecting a two week trial with a jury (its a murder charge), only to have his lawyer tell us that he's finally doing the right thing and he has changed his plea to guilty, although they wanted to dispute the states evidence. In that moment, as crazy as it seems, I have never been more proud of him in our lives. He even took the stand, and said that he was doing this out of respect for her, to 'man up' to his role in her death, and because he couldn't put her family or his through any more of this.

It ended up as a 3 day trial of facts in front of the judge only, but we still had to sit through the witnesses, forensics, etc. It was heartbreaking!

What made it all worse, was each day as we left to go home, we ended up on the same train as her parents. The first day I think we were all just in shock, we were in the same carriage! I cried quietly all the way home. After that we made sure we got into different carriages. It was very weird  to see them each day, I know they felt the same. Nothing was said by any of us, they could see we were in as much pain as they were I think. My quiet sobs throughout the trial were obvious.

So now we wait for sentencing. Another 4 weeks and then this part is over. Then comes dealing with the grief of losing him for the next 15-18 years. But, thats to worry about in 4 weeks.

I've tried to post a few times in the last few weeks, but I just end up too upset and can't continue. This is BIG progress for me! I'm accepting it, dealing with it and trying to  live with it. There is still so much stigma though. Half of the family won't ask me how I am because it makes 'them' feel uncomfortable talking about it. That still does my head in.

Any way, I really hope every one else is doing well, or at least ok! I haven't read any posts, just grateful to be able to write this one today.

I will check back in soon, thank you all for your continued and unconditional support.

Donna xx

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Donna

Glad you have come and told us what has been happening because we have been wondering how you were going.

Sounds like your brother did the right thing and it might go well for him with his sentencing. 

Your survived, well done, won't have been easy on you, one step down and one more to go, the sentencing.

How horrid for you to be catching the train with his family, couldn't imagine how you would have felt.

My son's sentencing is now on the 3 rd of September so I am getting nervous.

Hang in there, sentencing is just around the corner for you.

I am thinking of you.

A

[A_Tech]

Hi A,

Thank you for your support.

I'll definitely be thinking of you on the 3rd of September, my brothers sentencing is on the 7th! 

We'll have to send out our positive strength vibes to each other for that week or so, and the week or so following too!!.

Please do let me know how it goes, as I will also. I'm still so grateful that I found you all.

I still have family and friends that just won't even acknowledge that the trial has happened, or asked how we're doing. It seems that it makes them 'uncomfortable' to take about so they don't. It would nice to have that option sometimes hey?

Anyway, until next time. 

Donna x

[July]

HI Donna,

So glad you have some relief despite the difficult time you all had to go through, and to see the other family how sad for you all. I am sure they would feel upset at the whole process and remember its not your fault, unfortunately life does not always  have happy ending.

Yes it is very good your brother admitted his guilt to save the other family....and his own ...well done, now he can start to accept his behaviour and move toward some sort of rehabilitation to find the answers to why they commit such crimes, its not easy but we need to try and move forward in a positive way, unfortunately we can't change the past but he will have to live with what he's done.

I to cried the whole time through my sons trial, it was terrible ,I could feel the eyes looking at me , maybe in pity.... maybe in anger, I don't know, but I, like you have survived it and we need to go on.

Don't worry about others, concern yourself with your own healing and support of your brother, this is a big deal and he needs your love and support to heal his own heart and soul, this will be a long road for him and the family, we here, understand your grief, but  I can understand how hard it is sometimes to talk, but we completely "get it" so you will never be judged.

My son has introduced me to other prisoners and some are murderers but I just seem to have an open heart, to accept ones fate and not judge, it never scared me and I do think to rehabilitate and educate these people will only benefit the community, most crimes are committed under the influence of drugs and alcohol but some do have a genuine mental illness, we need to get the bottom of this massive problem.

Let us know are you are all going , I have been thinking of you and wish you all best through this journey, and don't worry about the people who judge , let them walk in your shoes and see how it feels, if anything, my sons prison journey has taught me to accept what life throws at you and I am much stronger than I ever dreamed, no one is perfect we all have flaws some just bigger than others.

Your brother will make it and hopefully this will  teach him a valuable  lesson, life is precious and not to be taken for granted.

Talk soon take care.

July

[July]

Hi anne,

The dilemma with your son is very hard, like you said sit back and say nothing ....to preserve your relationship with your son or risk further alienation from him, I think its like walking on a high wire...you need to take risk sometimes to access what needs to be done to get the best outcome.

Only you know him best , all advice that is given is done with what we know at the time, you can test the waters and see how he reacts or sit quietly by and hope it all works out, I have at times pushed the boundaries with my son and he has pushed back ... but isn't that what parents and kids do ? we are testing each other at different times in our lives.

But you are his mum, and above all concerned for his well being, keep an open mind and heart ,whatever choices he makes with the girlfriend will be out of your control anyway, but you are doing well and keeping strong, I'm really proud of you, this is not easy for any of us.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne,

I just decided to flick over to this post and have read your wonderful news that your son has been in touch with you!

It sounds like you have mixed emotions about this which is understandable after all that you have beent hrough with him.

Maybe the girl friend has changed. I certainly hope so for your son's sake, for her sake and their possible children's sake.

Maybe after the shock of receiving the letter has passed by, you might be able to write a return letter to your son.

I am so pleased for you that you have heard from him.

From Lauren

[A_Tech]

Hi A,

 I just wanted to check in to see how your doing. I know your sons sentencing is only a few days away and I can imagine what your feeling!

I had a call today from a court appointed psychologist doing a report for sentencing for my brother, I'll always do anything for him, but my goodness did it bring back some buried memories!

She obviously needed to know about our upbringing, anything in our childhood that may be relevant etc. When I tell it like a story to a stranger, it sounds horrific!! I  honestly don't know how I didn't end up down the criminal path.

Anyway, we've decided to go away for the weekend (next weekend, Father's Day) as his sentancing is the the next day, the Monday. I guess we're hope a distraction will help keep our minds off things. We're even going with dad and my other brother (and his wife and gorgeous 8 yr old daughter) to try to recapture something of the family before we learn of Peters fate. We're expecting somewhere around the 15-18 years!! 

It sounds horrific, but trust me it feels even worse!!!

I called the prison to book a visit (I'm still sooooo grateful that he's happy to see us) and I can't get in until Monday 😔.

I know I've said it many times, but I'm so glad that I have you guys! No one else really gets it do they? I know they try but it's just not the same.

So, please know that I'm thinking of you on the 3rd, as we all are. And please let us know how things went.

In my thoughts always,

Donna xxx