Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Anne,

I am so proud of you for writing that letter, it is hard to get those feelings out but I am sure when you see him in court, you will be reminded of why you have stuck in there with him throughout this horrible ordeal .

It will also show him the strength of a mothers love and you support him, trust me it will mean more to him than anything, and  as we know the drugs cloud their judgement and decision making skills, my son at times thought he could do without me ,but now he realises how much he does need me and his family behind him.

I totally relate to the comment, when you said this ordeal has nearly "done you in", many a time I thought  what am I going to do next, is this ever going to end ,again a completely normal reaction to a stressful situation, but I thought to myself if  "I" don't help him "who will" so it made my decision a bit easier in a way.

It will be a slow process, he is worried about his trial and prison sentence  so his head will be all over the place at the moment ,try to give him some time to adjust.

As for the tears, I don't know when they will stop you can't control your heart feeling like its broken, but waiting for it to heal......maybe in time.

I feel like we are walking in each other's foot steps sometimes, the same emotions and feelings but don't doubt yourself ,you have got this far, so carry on you can do it.

All the best

July

[Doolhof]

HI Anne, July and any one else who is reading,

Pain. Regret. Remorse. Guilt. Shame. What ifs.

These are all things that can chew us up and fester away inside for years, sometimes with out us even realising we are harbouring these emotions and feelings until they up and bite us!

I will be the first to admit that I have certainly felt all of these things and many more. I will also admit as I did in a previous post, that it has just been luck/providence/angels looking out for me or whatever, that I have not walked down the wrong side of the tracks and ended up in trouble.

I've learnt a few things along life's journey that have helped me to keep going, and one of those things is to know when to let go of the negatives.

Another is to learn forgiveness and acceptance...maybe not towards other people always, but towards myself.

Right now I am trying to stay strong against my depression when it would be so much easier to just give up and fall in a heap.

Anne, it must have been really tough writing those letters, I admire your courage and strength to do so.

Attending your son's sentencing is no doubt a huge challenge. If I was in your son's position, I would be looking for my Mum.

I hope you have strategies in place for how you will cope after you have been to  the court.

Maybe you could make up a list now including people/organisations you can call if you need to talk to someone after.

Think of "safe" places you could go after if you become to unsure of your own actions.

Ask a friend to be with you.

Allow the tears to flow!

I hope too that you receive a letter from your son.

Thinking of you all, from Lauren

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning July

Thank you, it was a hard thing to do. It was an upbeat letter, no emotions, he doesn't take emotions well.  When he use to ring me when he was last inside if I got emotional he would excuse himself and say he has to ring back, but really he was waiting for me to pull myself together.

Everything that I have done in the past to resume out relationship he has misread, drug related, so it is difficult to know what to do.  My psychologist said he could read my court appearance as either neg or pos, so dont' know which way to go now.  I hope he sees it as I am supporting him as that is the intention but I can not tell and my delimma is do i go to court and possibly further damage our relationship or do I not go to court and he could perseve that as I don't care.  Dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.

My life is in such turmoil atm and not just from my son, I have a lot of other stuff going on and that is making it harder for me to handle my son and what is surrounding him.

Morning Lauren,

I do try to look forward and enjoy my life, concentrate on the positives but it is like the negitives/depression has a hold that I can not break out of.  I have many friends that I met up with and when I do I try to emerse myself in their company. 

I also have tried to let go of the hurt I feel for my son, but he has burnt any trust I had in him.  I forgave him when he got out last time and was looking forward to reconnect but he hurt me all over again and this time it is not as easy to forgive and forget.

I will hopefully have a friend to accompany me to court, I don't know what to expect, have never been to court, so hopefully I will be able to handle it.  It will be emotional I expect that but it will be wonderful to see him agian. My psychologist say the week before and week after must be filled with joyful happy things. 

I am doing my best even if I feel my world is falling apart.

My motto: I am doing the best I can.

Hugs

Anne

[July]

Hi Anne,

Going to court will be difficult .....no doubt, the whole process ,the judge, the jury and other people sitting there scanning the room to figure out who's who, its scary, when I went to court I was so nervous and when they brought my son out with two guards to sit him in the box I could feel his regret and pain, he would look at me of course with embarrassment that he's in this predicament but I would just look and try to give him some sign it will be ok, although when the trial started ,I started crying and could not stop, it was humiliating, even a guard came up to me and gave me a box of tissues, obviously this is a common occurrence , if they have tissues in there.

I could have got up and left but I couldn't leave him there alone, despite my own pain and despair and I am glad I stayed, he needed to see that despite all....don't give up, we all need someone when we are down.

This is why I hate drugs so much, they destroy families and cause so much grief , while under the influence people cannot make appropriate decisions and act irrationally, it takes a long time for the drugs to be completely out of their system so its a long slow process for recovery.

We never know if we are making the right decision at the time ,its a gamble , but it's your son and he's worth it, like I said before it might take him a while to appreciate all your commitment and love.

I would go to the ends of the earth to help my son and I hope by me showing forgiveness and love to him , he will in return show that same emotion to himself and his own children....one day.

Its never easy this life and some days its a heavy burden to carry but we need to put one foot in front of the other and move forward, maybe two steps forward one step back but as long as we try.

I sometimes think of others who are in a far worse position than me and thats brings it all back into perspective, at least I have my son alive and in one piece, yes we have some major problems but thank god I still have him in my life.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Dear Anne,

Thanks for your very honest and open communication. I am struggling a bit with my depression lately, so certainly understand what that feel like.

I was just wondering if it might be beneficial for you to attend a court hearing some time before the day of your son's appearance.

I'm not sure how these things work, but would it be possible to attend a court for a while to have a feel for how things look, feel and occur? Maybe then the whole experience won't be quite as daunting as going there the first time for your son?

This may help a little. I have no idea how it will be for you or for your son.

It is wonderful you have July travelling along this journey with you.

Thinking of you both, cyber hugs from Lauren

[Hopefullseeking]

Afternoon Ladies

I rang the court last Thursday to confirm P court date, its changed which is suppose to be in late August.  The man I spoke to said stuff I didn't really understand so I rang back the next day and luckily got a woman who was very kind and willing to explain things. 

P now appears in a higher court next Friday so I really don't have time to think.  I was shocked and numbed at the possibility of what being in a higher court might mean in relation to how long he serves. 

I went on to the court web site and did a virtual tour of the court so I sort of know now where everyone will be sitting. Lauren I really don't have the time now to visit a court sitting.  I have a friend that is willing to go with me so I will have that support.

I am trying to remain calm and strong as I have to be, could so easily give into the emotions and fall to pieces but have to stay strong at least until the court appearance and sentencing is over.

I am volunteering Monday and have a very busy day which will keep me occupied, I have things to do Tuesday and see my shrink on Wednesday then volunteer again Thursday. I am catching the train into the city with my friend to attend the court.  Wow, I am blown away by how close his sentencing is.  At least I will get to see him.

July, you telling me your son came out escorted by two guards has now prepared me for the same thing with my son so I won't be so shocked.  Thank you.

I will have tissues in my bag, my son can't handle emotions but I am not going to stop myself from crying, it might show him that I do care very deeply for him.  He most likely does know that already but it won't hurt for him to see it.

I'm scared stiff but I know I will get through this one way or the other lol.

Thank you for your support.

Anne

[Doolhof]

Dear Anne,

My goodness. This is all happening very quickly. I am very pleased to read you have a friend who is going to join you and also pleased you have been able to talk to someone at the court.

Being able to see a virtual image of the court must help a little as well. I have never been into a court myself so don't know what goes on, my only ideas are from the t.v.

Dear Anne, cry now if you need to and cry at the court as well if that helps. I don't know about you, but trying to hold back the tears doesn't always work for me anyway!

I'm offering you advice here that I know I should be using myself...if you need to talk to someone any time, call the help lines! Easier said than done for me, but I hope you are strong enough to do so if you need to chat with someone.

All the best to you Anne, more hugs to you, from Lauren

[July]

Hi Anne,

Just wanted to wish you the  best of luck for you and your son for his court appearance, another thing I would tell you is, I would get there early enough to give yourself time to adjust to the surroundings, it can be daunting and just to relax before actually going into the court, my son actually came with me when he was going on trial  so when we arrived at court he had to report to someone then he was taken downstairs and put in a holding cell with all the others that had a trial that day, thats why he was brought up by two guards.

My sons trial was in the district court, so maybe by a "higher court" do you think it might be the supreme court? only really severe crimes are usually heard in a higher court , but see what happens, its all very confusing.

Its good you have someone there to support you, don't be afraid to show emotion, he needs to see what pain he's caused and you are only human, its affecting you to, it will all work out in the long run, I'm sure you being there will really mean a lot to him, my son said having someone in the court for him really helped him and made him feel supported.

I know all to well  the anxiety you must feeling, but at least you will know the truth and you can work from there to find a solution to make thing's  better between mother and son.

He is an adult, just like my son but he's still "your baby" and I know your heart rules your head when your children are involved, and he still needs you and always will, you are being very brave, so good on you for being that mother lion. 

You are in my thoughts, let us know how you go, all the best.

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning July and Lauren

Unfortunately my son's hearing is in the Supreme Court.  I have to go online and look at the court lists for tomorrow after 4 pm this afternoon (I think) and if it is in the District Court then charges have been down graded.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and became extremely emotional, she said if I am like this in court it will only embarrass him and possibly make him angry, I tend to agree knowing my son as I do.  So I have to hold it together while in court, it should be a short appearance as it is a sentencing and not a trial.

I have been able to hold it together this past week but am really struggling today, I am at my volunteer job and it is a quiet day which isn't helping me any.

I am so scared of what tomorrow is going to bring and then have to decide what to do next.  Do I keep my Tough love stance or go and see him.  I know what you ladies will say 'go and see him' but my shrink keeps pointing out the boundaries I have taken years to make with him, which is not to go and see him but keep in contact by letter.  Feeling pressure from all sides.

I just want tomorrow to be over

A

[July]

Hi Anne,

I definitely don't want you to feel pressure about a decision and you have to do what is best for you.

Although it will be short its still very emotional so be prepared, I guess only you know your son but you will be able to see his reaction...... good, bad or indifferent, we do not know you personally but I have been there.....and I can only speak from experience its easy for others to comment, but have they been through it ?.

Maybe after this,  seeing him and how things stand it might at least give you some answers and then if you don't feel comfortable change your stand and keep your distance for a while.

You can still have boundaries and support your son , you don't have to agree with everything he does, but show your love and care. I know its scary but you will be ok ,my son wrote in a letter many months after his incarceration, how scared he was in going to prison, but never showed it at the time ,only later did he realise the pain he caused and was so thankful we were there as I said , it takes time for these kids to turn around and see what they have done, their anger and aggression is a big act to cover up the real pain.

Tomorrow will be over, its just another day to get through, but like me you have been through a lot and you will survive this, if you feel you need to leave the court then just get up and walk out, don't worry, just look after yourself.

I wish you all the best, take care.

July