Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

[livm88]

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every day, including selfies and funny pics, we'd have 30 min phone conversations). After two months we even went away together during the week for the night (which was great).

Everything seemed so romantic then, but not long after this he got a second job, working 7 days a week with the two jobs (including early mornings and nights). He has admitted he loves to work and if he has free time he will find work to do because he doesn't like the way he thinks/his mind wanders if he does nothing.

So I started to adapt to this, and not expect as many calls/communication etc. We still see each other at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes even 5 times on odd weeks. We usually go somewhere to walk and eat pizza, like the beach (which I like), then Saturday night might spend the night at one of each other's houses.

We seem to move pretty quickly with everything, including his suggestion that I could live with him. The problem with this is, he lives with two Indian couples (he is Indian also), they're all from the same region, and while they can speak ok English, when i'm there I feel he doesn't make enough effort to speak English, and it makes me uncomfortable, sitting in silence while they rattle off in their language (which is not Hindi.....so learning that would be practically pointless, even though they do know it). I've told him a few times how I feel and this is why i'm not sure about moving in with him, but his response is always that I have to learn Hindi then it will be much easier and that I have to try things to know if they'll work or not.

A similar issue has been occurring lately though...many times when he asks me out, he later sends a message after i've said yes that one of the couples are coming too. Last time this happened, the three of them all spoke in their language most of the time, only speaking token remarks or questions in English to me. I was most annoyed by my boyfriend, who I felt ignored by that day. Also, while we're alone but in public, he packs on the PDA, but when we're with this couple he backs off (even though they're openly affectionate).

He seems to love me, when we're together he shares everything, but I'm starting to wonder if he's begun taking me for granted?

Thanks a lot 🙂

[livm88]

Thanks Anony18,

He surprised me by calling last night after work (12am), and had a little chat about the whole work thing (which he then got defensive and annoyed about.....saying him working a lot is the same as me choosing to stay home and do nothing.....to which I said was unfair, as i'd like to be working more, just haven't had much luck on the job search! To which then he said (about me wanting to work), "oh see you want to work too, but I'm not allowed to?" And I said of course that's different, there's a line between working and overworking. Then I said I was going to a theme park with my cousin 'tomorrow' (today), and he got annoyed saying, "you never ask me to do stuff with your friends! I always want to include you with mine".

Then we said goodnight, I later texted that of course I want him to do stuff with me and friends....and the usual xoxo's smileys etc....he replied a bit later saying he knows etc (kiss emoji). Then this morning he sent me another message saying sorry for being rude last night, and he knows I'm right (about the whole working too much , not seeing each other enough and so on but that he doesn't know what to do).

After my theme park day, I sent him a couple of messages saying it was great fun, and he's definitely got to come next time we all go......... it says 'message read'.....but no reply, so all I can guess is he's at work and too busy to answer properly (with a thought out answer).

So from that big ramble.........does it sound like we're in a bit of a serious argument/disagreement, or is this common in relationships and hopefully we'll be ok?

Thanks for listening,

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Sorry for the late reply. The past few days been busy with family. Had my godparents big 50th wedding anniversary then a BBQ next night so haven't had time to jump online.

I don't know your bf however I would not say that is a serious argument there. The "heated" exchange though may be from tiredness causing agitation. However saying that it may have brought out some true feelings or frustrations he has. In time it will tell as if this is something that bothers him he will bring it up.

Can I ask what you responded in terms of his last text about the whole working too much and not knowing what to do? It's fine in terms of that he doesn't text you after reading the message. Sometimes we get busy to respond however did he reply a bit later?

There are always disagreements in relationship so it is always common. However with what is constituted as a common issue or a serious one defers from couple. As you develop the relationship you will determine that. As I said before it's all about communication and that is what I told my partner. My partner is very bad with his phone. He doesn't text me every day and I had to chase him up. But talking to him recently he explained what goes through his head and it is something I told him just to respond he isn't up for talking etc. so time will tell.

I can see it in the moments though that he does care for me. Reality is that you need to look after your needs and work out what you are ok with and what you are not. Trust your instinct and am obviously here if you need to chat more 🙂

Know but delayed but do let me know if things have progressed past few days. I will be logging back in tomorrow for sure 🙂

Anony

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. His message re: his work while you appear to be a 'lady of leisure' makes the cultural issue stand out slightly here. Many women from his home country will work similar hours to him as money is their survival. Making money is ultra to many of them as they had to fight for everything. They let little stand between them and making enough money to live on. I'm not putting him down because of his race, please don't think that, but mixed culture does make for difficulties when it come to relationships. To many of them, women are, unfortunately, classed as second rate and are expected to 'pull their weight' regardless. Croix made a lot of good points regarding how he views your relationship, as opposed to how you view it. Your bf possibly would like to spend more time with you, however his culture has taught him home and family come second. If you wish to continue this relationship, I would be inclined to suggest you tread carefully and make sure he starts respecting your needs more.

Lynda

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

Yes all good points, I guess i'm starting to see a little clearer now, like when I texted him yesterday evening after finding out more of my shifts at my new job had been cancelled (and further....they rang tonight also to cancel remaining shifts), he came over to make me feel better (he said so before he left, did I feel better).

But now i'm starting to wonder....am I losing my anxiety and worries.....or am I slowly becoming more numb to everything....maybe even starting to care less about everything??? One explanation for how tired/worn out i've been for the last two months.....turns out (from blood test the other day...)....i've had Glandular fever!!! Bf was also sick with similar symptoms a few weeks before. Maybe this has made the last two months seem worse for both of us? I mean for sure, the last two weeks.....i've definitely accepted only seeing him twice, and felt ok compared to previous weeks.

He has talked a lot more about.....his worries over his Visa only being for another year, he's already thinking far ahead about what might happen if he doesn't get it or can't afford?!

But you're definitely right on the work front, i've slowly realised over the last few months, their culture values work and earning money over everything else! It's true in the fact he doesn't believe in relaxation (like doing absolutely nothing....of which i'm an expert at!). He's always thinking about future things he'll have to save for etc..

I guess for now.....maybe i'm not worried so much about our relationship because i'm focused on my own money problems (constant uncertainty and lack of work!). I'm focusing more on myself, and my mum has even been kind enough to pay for a short holiday (to Singapore) next month!

As always, thanks for your advice and listening to me ramble 🙂

Olivia 🙂

[livm88]

Hi Anony,

No worries 🙂 Hope you had a nice BBQ. 50 years is a good anniversary! I actually visited my grandma in the nursing home yesterday (lives 2 hrs away from Perth, in the country), bit of a wake up call when you see how sad a place like that makes a person.....makes you feel guilty for thinking you have it bad!

As for the bf working too much, I guess he's been thinking about it a lot (like before I ever brought it up, it was on his mind!). Every time i've seen him lately, he says he thinks he'll have to give up one job soon, but then brings up the debt issue (international student fees to pay off, Visa, English tests to speed up permanent residency etc....). So I don't know whether he really means it. He has worked less in the past (like say.....the average person's 38 hr week)...but believes he needs over a certain amount of money a week (from more like....70 hrs work), and feels lazy working less.

Yes, I guess like with your bf....I can see the moments when he really cares. Maybe I focus too much on the bad things (or what feels bad to me) that I fail to notice the good? A few times (from misunderstandings) i've thought he meant something.....and I got him completely wrong (like last time.....he said he was more rude and grumpy to everyone including me lately, because of seeing me more.......he actually meant because he wasn't seeing me as much he was becoming this way.....so haha....I guess. I said it was because he uses the wrong English words at the wrong times so I take what he says literally 😛 ).

But I think you're right about the texting thing, even when I think about people like my dad.....always takes a day to respond to anything haha....and often leaves his phone at home.

Thanks 🙂

Olivia

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. How fantastic of your mum, shouting you a holiday to Singapore. I feel a change will help you clarify things better with your time away. With your recent health scare, you need to care and focus on your wellbeing. With your bf's attitude re: work means more, I feel there will always be this between you. Keep your options open. When I suggested you may decide to see other guys I wasn't suggesting 'cheating', I was just suggesting keeping your options open. You have been involved with someone culturally different. This has given you a 'taste' of how things could be if you decide to become involved with someone other than a Western culture. That was all I meant by keeping your options open.

Lynda

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

Yes I understand what you mean, I suppose not a lot of people's first relationship is with someone so culturally different! But aside from all the complaints i've had, I guess one overall good thing I forget to look at is how he has less fear than me, if he wants something goes after it. I guess it would be worse for a person like me (with lifelong anxious/depressed/shy/lacking confidence issues!) to be with someone like me! So in a way he helps me see things from another perspective, rather than enabling or encouraging me to continue to be so pessimistic, as my family (mum and dad) tend to be like me.......we're often unhelpful with each others problems!

I'm looking forward to a short trip....but at the same time anxious....wondering if I should really go! Chances are....if I don't go, Coles won't end up calling me for work (or do what they always do....put me on the roster all week....then each individual day beforehand in the evening....cancel the next days work, meaning I could have gone!). On the other hand......if I do go, that's when they'll protest and say I have work! And i'm worried then if I do go and they did want me those days....well i'll never be called again! Also, i've got pressure from my dad telling me it's a bad idea, I should be home looking for work (which I am right now- I try to apply for at least a job a day....though they're scarce at the moment!). And as I haven't set anything in stone.....I haven't told my bf either....I know he'll share the same opinion as my dad 😛

Rambling on again 😛 That's my anxious mind (always worse at night!).

Thanks again 🙂

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Are you a Perth girl? So am I...the weather here today is crazy. Is your grandma feeling down at nursing home or she is relatively happy. Sometimes certain places may seem sad but some people appreciate the simple things. Each person cherishes different things 😊

Definitely understand financial debt your bf says he is facing hence the need to constantly work. However he will not be able to sustain physically. I have seen this in my bf who now no longer works those long hours. More importantly this may become a wedge in your relationship if you start feeling like he is pulling away due to the lack of communication especially if you are anxious/depressed/lack confidence as you say above. As a bf he needs to give you that comfort and reassurance until you develop that trust and confidence. Hope that makes sense. Not to confuse you but everyone has different expectations and needs. I am a bit more independent and have patience whereas some of my girlfriends need to be with their bfs more often than I currently do. Just have a think about what you are ok with and what you are not. And for the things that bother you speak to him. Relationships are constant open communication and compromises on both ends. If the long working hours start bothering you and it seems like he will never change that aspect then you will need to reassess if you want to be with him. Hope that makes sense.

As for misinterpretation of his messages I get it. My bf is so vague but again communication and overtime you will start to understand.

With Singapore you should go if you think it may be a good break. Definitely tell the bf as well. Am heading there tomorrow morning. Told the bf only few weeks ago. As much would love him to come he has family commitments here in Perth.

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. From where I am at the moment, not too many people are being asked to work extra shifts as most shifts appear to be covered. Also, there's not too much 'hiring' going atm, as with the holiday season, there's much casual employment with kids being employed rather than adults. Singapore, to me, sounds ideal. I totally agree with Anony here. Your bf has a bit of a 'fear' atm too. His visa worries, that will occupy much of his time, so you could be put on the 'back burner' slightly. His culture means he will be more worried about his concerns than worrying about your health. Unfortunately, his cultural background often makes his race appear selfish and greedy, this too could cause a bit of difference with how you view work and leisure. Our Western culture has been raised believing leisure time is just as important to our well-being, as your bf's culture means work 24/7 (if possible) is more important. Your bf could try to get quite a few jobs rather than sit on his laurels and wait and see what happens. Where as you might be one to explore options with work. He could view that as being lazy and not 'pulling your weight'. there are so many things to consider with yours and his future. I think time away could be beneficial. Your dad's views sound a bit 'old school', work till you drop rather than enjoy life. My ex FIL has a similar view, he is extremely 'old school', it's cost him family and friends.

Lynda

[livm88]

Hi Anony,

Yes, being a Perth girls comes with it's perks, for me I have to say the heat isn't one of them 😛 At least we have the best beaches in the country 🙂

My grandma seems happy enough (she's one of the healthier one's there, even after recovering from bowel cancer). She did mention once on our visit she hates the place (compared to her old house, living by herself). But she seems to have made a few friends, so perhaps better than living on her own (although she also misses cooking her meals).

As for my bf's financial situation, yes I definitely see it's putting him under a lot of stress, on the body as well as mind. I actually worry most about him driving home late at 12am falling asleep (he said he did it once before we met....on the way to a second job, had a big crash with another car but came away unharmed!). I think he knows this lifestyle can't be sustained forever, he does keep mentioning giving up one job.

Yes, communication is definitely important I agree. I'm working on trying to tell him what I think in the moment rather than dwelling on things and creating tension later 🙂

Ahh have fun in Singapore 🙂 Now i'm not sure when I can go, my work keep stuffing me around.....cancelling, then calling me back in, then giving me a week with nothing on the roster! So unpredictable.....but I'm dreaming of that holiday 🙂

Olivia