Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

[livm88]

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every day, including selfies and funny pics, we'd have 30 min phone conversations). After two months we even went away together during the week for the night (which was great).

Everything seemed so romantic then, but not long after this he got a second job, working 7 days a week with the two jobs (including early mornings and nights). He has admitted he loves to work and if he has free time he will find work to do because he doesn't like the way he thinks/his mind wanders if he does nothing.

So I started to adapt to this, and not expect as many calls/communication etc. We still see each other at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes even 5 times on odd weeks. We usually go somewhere to walk and eat pizza, like the beach (which I like), then Saturday night might spend the night at one of each other's houses.

We seem to move pretty quickly with everything, including his suggestion that I could live with him. The problem with this is, he lives with two Indian couples (he is Indian also), they're all from the same region, and while they can speak ok English, when i'm there I feel he doesn't make enough effort to speak English, and it makes me uncomfortable, sitting in silence while they rattle off in their language (which is not Hindi.....so learning that would be practically pointless, even though they do know it). I've told him a few times how I feel and this is why i'm not sure about moving in with him, but his response is always that I have to learn Hindi then it will be much easier and that I have to try things to know if they'll work or not.

A similar issue has been occurring lately though...many times when he asks me out, he later sends a message after i've said yes that one of the couples are coming too. Last time this happened, the three of them all spoke in their language most of the time, only speaking token remarks or questions in English to me. I was most annoyed by my boyfriend, who I felt ignored by that day. Also, while we're alone but in public, he packs on the PDA, but when we're with this couple he backs off (even though they're openly affectionate).

He seems to love me, when we're together he shares everything, but I'm starting to wonder if he's begun taking me for granted?

Thanks a lot 🙂

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

I agree, now seems like the time no one's hiring, the ads on Coles and Woolies websites are reduced to manager positions 🙂 and their are none in the shop windows of small businesses either.

What you and Anony say about his worries is true, it would be understandable to fear whether or not your Visa will be renewed.....all I can tell him is I know he'll get it again (especially since he's taken the Duty Manager position.....that has to count for something) as his friends/housemates both did just being cooks/chefs and eventually both got citizenship! I just can't imagine him being rejected!

I'm really looking forward to a trip (although I haven't booked it yet.....I'm thinking Murphy's Law.....if I go, suddenly my work will be calling me to offer work.....on the other hand if I don't go......I won't be put on the roster....or worse, put on the roster then have each shift cancelled, and so could have gone! Strangely, they cancelled today's shift a few days back.....and this morning they called me in to work :P). Airfares to Singapore are so cheap though in January....it's very tempting to just book one haha

Well thanks again 🙂

Olivia

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. Sorry to be so late replying. As far as your trip to Singapore. I'd be inclined to talk to your HR officer (I assume you have one), re: your roster. Explain your personal situation and tell him you need some time away as you've been having some personal issues re: bf/roster/living arrangements etc. Perhaps too a visit to your Dr might be beneficial as he would be able to confirm your stress re: work roster/bf/living arrangements etc. Mention to your Dr that your work place is mucking you about slightly with regards to your roster. This is not helping your stress levels either.

Lynda

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

I would like to them about having the days I need off (or changing the roster etc...) but I've only been working there 6 weeks now, so i'd say i'm not in a position to be asking for anything.....I just have to cross my fingers they'll do what they did last week and not put me on the roster at all! But now also, the assistant manager spoke to me the other day and said there might be some work in January in a different department as someone's going away, but for now I don't know if it's just all talk 😛

Well I hope you're having a nice Christmas 🙂

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Just writing here in Singapore as I have some internet before i head to bintan. if i have free wifi at the resort. Just wanting see how things are with you. Did you have a good Xmas? And did you spend some time with your bf.

Read your post and regarding bf well hopefully he will see how unsustainability and make the choice that life is more than working. Both for his health and the relationship. However as Lynda said it is the culture that may hinder that as well as the fact he needs money pays off his debt. Definitely do start speaking up to him about your frustration/concerns early than hold it in. it will be a mindset change but it is one slowly you will get there if you wanted to.

With Singapore that is a pity. How about looking going down south for a weekend or even see if you can go on a cheap enough holiday overseas for few days. Asia has alot of places where flights and accommodation is cheap enough.

Hope you are going ok xx

[livm88]

Hi Anony 🙂

Hope you're having a nice time in Singapore 🙂

I had a quite Xmas (ie alone :P......bf had a big gathering of Indian friends he said can never find a day to all be together.....I didn't bother questioning it much, although when I asked him just now in person how his day was...it didn't sound too good).

He did just mention his current (job) situation, definitely wants to move on to something in his field if possible (IT), he's not liking his new position as Duty Manager at Coles, and he definitely knows now it's not sustainable to work these crazy hours for too long (but still worries a lot about needing to save, and not seeing another way to do so!).

I'm trying more now to say how I feel right away, like tonight we had quite a long chat...and it turned philosophical (as it often does!), but as other times.....when I gave my opposition to what he was saying, he blamed it on my negative thinking! This (in the moment) made me start to worry, as it has before....that maybe we're mentally/intellectually incompatible? Like I feel....the things I want to talk about are insignificant and 'mundane', such as....the crazy things my dogs did on our walk, or the movie I saw, or where i'd like to travel etc....whereas he likes to question why people do what they do etc....what we should care about etc.....and when he does I always take it personally, I feel like it's an attack on me for not thinking such 'high' thoughts as these....for being simple I guess....

Maybe i'm just trying to come up with problems, to see flaws everywhere? I don't know....one thing after another 😛

As for Singapore, I'm still crossing my fingers, I could make it shorter. Last time I went, 4 days was enough, the same for Penang (Malaysia). Guess i'll just wait for a week when I have only one or two days on the roster, then hopefully I can book last minute flights etc!

Thanks again 🙂 Hope you had a nice Christmas 🙂

Olivia

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. You and your bf are definitely not on the same page and it's highly doubtful you ever will be. If that is blunt, my apologies, but when he puts you down for an opinion you make then questions your right to 'pass the time' by discussing something that interests you, my 'warning flag' goes right to the top of the flagpole. My ex was similar, his discussions were always more important to, to him. Anything I commented on was ignored or I was told to 'grow up'. I recall many conversations we had, where I would comment on something and I would be told 'I (he) doesn't want to talk about it', in other words, what I say isn't important, therefore not worth considering for discussion. We had absolutely zilch (as my son often comments) in common. My ex was paranoid about money, we're not culturally different, but he has many of his mother's traits. She has the narcissist 'Waif' trait, google that if you like. You like relaxing he doesn't. Any holidays you take, you will take alone and the comments will be 'why should you, work is more important'. You are not mentally incompatible, but you are incompatible and that won't change. My ex enjoyed traveling, I don't. I like going away, yes, but if I go somewhere I like to have a 'base' and return to that each night. My ex would happily live out of a suitcase for weeks (I know -we did). He loved it although he fretted about the money and he contacted his parents every day. That was another 'fly in the ointment', they had to be included in everything.

Lynda

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

I hate to admit you're probably right......I also left out a bit of information...that he brought up the idea maybe we're not compatible 😕 In fact (which kind of hurts when he says it...he's said a similar thing before) he said "maybe you need a more simple guy, i'm too complicated". I kind of don't know whether to take offence.....that i'm too simple? or that he's too complicated. He's mentioned a few times....his friends wondering how I can put up with him (they all knowing the way he can be). He has said he's been this way all his life (well since his mum passed when he was 10). Always bossy, a little mean to family.

I guess he's given me all the warnings, I suppose I should have seen all these things coming.

It's all making me feel bad about myself......when maybe, he's the one with a depressive problem?!?Masks it by stating that he thinks positively, works instead of relaxing etc.....

While all this is causing me anxiety and stress (along with my crappy employment situation this year...), I'm still not ready to give up. Already, the last few weeks i've found myself feeling fine in the evenings and not expecting to see him, in fact the last two times he showed up by surprise when the thought never crossed my mind! So I feel i'm improving on the clingy/needy front for sure.

One last thing, while we both love animals, we have different importance on them, I have always kind of loved/felt more for animals than people (sounds mean?). We had a little discussion about the subject......he stated he can't love and care about animals over people, that for example if he sees someone sad on the street he feels for them. Then I told him how i've never really been able to feel bad for others (maybe family) and it made me feel like some awful person....I really don't feel much for anyone, like if something terrible happens on the news (like terror) I don't feel sad. Yet just looking at some baby magpies the other day playing in water at the park.....I wanted to cry (tears of amazement and joy!). Am I like this because of anxiety and depression? My mum is exactly the same (except she seems to have empathy for all humans).

*Sigh* It all started out so good, everyone commented on how happy I was. I wonder what they think now...

Thanks for the advice 🙂

Olivia

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. I wouldn't take offense at his remark about your different views on life. Your simple way of viewing things as opposed to his serious ways simply means you enjoy the simple pleasures, he doesn't. Your obvious loving, caring nature for animals is great, while you would cross the road to rescue an animal/bird in distress, he would simply ignore. I think if you saw someone hurt, you would possibly call for help, I can't imagine you totally ignoring someone in distress. You might not necessarily worry once you know they're okay, that means you empathize, but not get too involved. I think the fact that animals need humans to care for them is where you feel more for them. Humans are fairly resilient. The anxiety/stress you feel I think is more because you possibly feel you've failed with this relationship. You haven't, neither has he, being wrong for someone doesn't mean you failed, it simply means you're wrong. My ex and I were wrong, neither of us failed (although there are some who beg to differ), we had different ideas and couldn't discuss them. Our needs were different too. I wanted someone who wanted me, he didn't want anyone.

Lynda

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

Thanks for your point of view, when you put it that way it seems ok (i'm sure I would help someone in distress).

I still don't want to think that our relationship has failed, i'm not ready to let it go just yet, who knows maybe things will improve? Or maybe they wont, but I want to keep trying (I can't give up after only 5 months). Maybe the problem is we moved too fast? Maybe if we'd taken it slow it would be better, although it was he who seemed more keen to speed things up from the start! I'll keep trying to understand him...and hope that he does the same for me. Maybe I need to write a list of pros and cons...see which list comes out bigger (probably sounds stupid 😛 ).

Olivia

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. I don't think for one minute either of you have failed. Failing a relationship means one or both of you simply gives up. Being wrong for each other means you have different views on things and compromising is almost impossible. The 'pros' and 'cons' list is a great idea, however, don't be surprised if it comes out about 50/50. Speeding a relationship up, or taking it slow doesn't necessarily make a difference either. I was with my ex for about 3 years, we were married 25 and still couldn't 'meet'. As I said , some say my ex failed, some say I failed. Neither of us failed, we simply were not suited. You are the one who appears to be doing the compromising though, this is not right. Compromising is 'meeting' in the middle. If he wants a 'night out' with his mates, fine, if you want a 'girls night out' fine. But for him to suggest you're lazy because you want fun with friends, that's not compromising, that's dictatorship. My ex couldn't care less what I did as long as I didn't want to spend time with him when he didn't want to be with me. He wanted freedom, me when it suited. That's not anything.

Lynda