Not in a good space

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Good morning! I'm feeling like I'm on an upswing again, and gee it's nice...

I spent hours in the garden yesterday weeding, raking, moving plants around, and watering. I've been up early today and walked Storm and I'm off to yoga shortly. I've also started a new book: This is What a Feminist Looks Like - it's on the history of feminism in Australia. I've been talking to the other students doing Honours this year, which has motivated me to start making headway on the stack of books on feminism I have waiting.

I also bought a gorgeous big framed print of a kookaburra from Kmart and I want to add some lettering to it, with part of a quote my yoga instructor read out last week "laughter is medicine", so arts and crafts for me later today.

Sending hugs and positivity vibes from west to east xo Katy

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy,

The positivity vibes definitely made it all the way east... thank you for the smile I now have, it grew as I read your post... it's lovely to hear the upbeat note in your voice.

Do let me know what you think of that book as it sounds like something I might enjoy.

Hugs

Paws

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Up and down like a yo-yo and really feel like I just can't be bothered with myself any more. I rang a helpline. Asked if they knew of any peer support groups in my area or online. I'm sure she just googled. Could have done that myself. Asked if one 8 hours drive away might help. No, not really...

Are you considering SH? Yes, but if you talk to me, and find me some help, I'll be ok. Why do I hate the question? It sounds so perfunctory. I guess when you're talking to a stranger and mandated to ask, it's not going to sound any other way...

This is why I became a recluse in the first place. Because when you're mentally unwell, people don't know (care?) how easy it is to break you. You stay safe in your little bubble and your life is small but no-one can tip you over...

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy,

Lass here is a gentle comforting hug for you.

Oh lass you have been yo-yoing haven't you... I hope you are feeling brighter this morning

Lass you have mentioned before that journaling all the bad feelings has helped you... or perhaps if you can take Stormy for a walk... getting out of the house might help you to get out of your head for a while... even telling Storm everything going round & round in your head... sometimes just saying it all out loud can help.

Please don't give up on the helplines... if you don't feel the person is helping you can ask to talk to someone else or just ring another help line... if that's still no help... then please ring someone... your brother, anyone... you don't have to do this alone... if you can today ring your counsellor... talk to her... she may also have a better idea of support groups in your area.

You matter lass... remember there are people who love you...

Hugs

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy,

Lass I'm just popping by to let you know you are in my thoughts...

No pressure for you too reply...

I'm quietly sitting with you lass... a shoulder for you to lean on... an ear to listen... or just a comforting friendly presence to help keep the dark at bay... (a bit like Storm, though she can give you snuggles)

Gentlest of hugs

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

Your mood certainly seems to go very up and then very down lately... are you on any meds that help control these mood swings, they seem to be very unpleasant when they go down, and a bit high when you are up! I'm sorry the phone counsellor was so unhelpful, it's such a hit and miss thing with telephoning people you don't know isn't it? Getting a less than helpful one doesn't help matters does it..

I wonder what is causing these big highs and then lows? Can you map it out at all, is there something that is triggering these swings? Company/lack of company maybe? What about the friend you have there that you walk with sometimes, is she anyone you can turn to?

Do remember these downs do go away, you just have to wait them out... as Paws said, do ring someone else if you need to... but I would have a chat with a doctor or your psych about getting some help or strategies to manage these moods? No fun going through this all the time... sending hugs.

[Hanna3]

I hope you're feeling better Katy. Sending you fluffy hugs from little Sam. oxoxox

[Hanna3]

How are you going Katy? Do let us know how you are, when you feel able. hugs!

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

I dunno. Just feel lost.

You seem like you're going ok, Hanna. I'm happy

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy,

Here is a gentle squishy hug lass...

I worry you might not be feeling able to reach out for support... have you been able to speak to your psych about your mood swings?...

This whole life thing can be so tiring... It's bloody hard to to even think about "where to next" when we are low... simply existing sometimes feels like it steals all our energy...

Lass I think we need to remember the path to being well isn't a straight one... I feel it's a bit like snakes & ladders... we feel we're moving forward & then suddenly the ground drops out from under us & we go sliding down the snake... I know for me I'm not going to get past all the snakes soon... but I can say that... mostly now when I do slide it isn't anywhere as far down as it used to be... I'm encountering fewer snakes... & I hold onto the hope that with support one day I will be able to catch myself from sliding at all.

I believe you are strong enough to beat this lass... look at all you've achieved this past year despite everything...

Give your furs a cuddle... remind yourself you do matter...

Paws