Not in a good space

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hanna, Sleepy, Nimi, Paws, MM - thankyou!

You're such beautiful, kind people. I appreciate so much, the advice and kind words. I like the idea of just an hour at a time. It's 13 weeks which just seems massive, so mini chunks are more manageable sounding. Hanna I have a note pinned on my board above my desk which reads:

" be messy, and complicated, and afraid, and show up anyway"

So your words were a good reminder to just do it however it's doable for me. (Thank god it's Friday!)

Hugs to you all x

[Hanna3]

That's the way Katy - glad you turned up to your prac! 13 weeks will go by and you'll be at the end of it all. I wonder what you have to do in your prac?

Glad you made it today, well done you! xoxoxo pats to Storm

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Hanna

My prac is in the research department at the uni. I've been set up in an office with 2 other prac students now and we're all working on different research projects. You're right in that I lack self-confidence and need to remind myself that I'm quite capable.

I'm sorry about your sight, especially being aware of your love of reading. That would be incredibly scary to be facing, and I'm glad you have little Sam by your side for support.

I'm off to yoga this morning. I was too stressed to go to my Wednesday class, but will push myself this morning even though I'm tired and could happily have a lazy day. What a week it was!

I hope you're doing something nice today, you and anyone else lurking about here. I'm ever appreciate of your support x

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy, I'm only on here briefly now - your prac sounds fun, can you discuss things with the other two students you are with so you get each other's opinions/thoughts?

My eye sight is beyond terrifying, and there's nothing anyone can say to help, I'm trying not to think about it until I see the eye specialist but thank you for your kind words.

I think you will do the prac fine now - and then you can get your degree and think what you want to do next. I'm glad you went back and stayed with it! Keep going! I'll pop by tomorrow... pats to Storm xo

[Guest_1643]

hi Katy,

that note on your board sounds very inspiring - and also - showing up is no small feat

The quote about showig up being 90 percent of success comes to mind....

and yet showing up is not easy

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello all

Hanna I think once I'm comfortable with the other students that might happen more. I had a short convo with one of them today to gauge how they felt about the tasks we are doing, so that was a good start.

Sleepy - agreed, showing up is huge! So glad I didn't quit last week. Just need to keep showing up. I used to always whinge to my psych that no matter how many times I showed up things didn't get easier, and she would reply "that's not the point". When we stop showing up life gets small.

Big hugs to you both. Post if you feel like chatting about anything x

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy, I'm glad to hear you're getting to know the student(s) a bit and keeping on going! Your psych was right, just keep on turning up!

It's been very wet and cold here. Poor Sam is getting knots he is so overdue for a trim and I can't get him in with a groomer for weeks... I tried to find a new pair of half decent walking shoes today and they're all over two hundred dollars, I couldn't believe how expensive shoes are - my last pair were brilliant and came from an Op Shop... so I must be out of touch. This big town has no medium range price shoe store - only Big W or stores which charge around three hundred for a pair of ankle boots - incredible.

Glad the uni prac is looking up. Take care, Pats to Storm xoxo

[Guest_1643]

Hey Katy glad you're feeling that staying with it was a good idea, i'm sorry it was so difficult at the time, and i can understand that it is effort and energy to keep up with uni during all this

We try and show up and it doesn't always work out, and yet we were right to give things a go, I guess, life is about those experiments.

It's such a hard time I think everyone's confidence is dropping in ways, I don't feel so ready to go into the world after so much isolation!! Stay strong!!

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy, I hope things are going OK with your prac, do come on sometime and let us know how you're going. Sending hugs xoxoxo

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello

Thanks for checking in. I'm not doing very well with it all. It's very stressful. I've cried a lot, and not rocked up or I have and I've left early. I just wasn't ready for something so full on. I keep trying to convince myself to just stick with it til they tell me it's not working out, but I feel ill about even having to get myself to go tomorrow.

Dunno. Feel so lost and alone. Thanks again for checking in and the hug. Hoep you and Sam are going ok xo