Not in a good space

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello

Tried to respond previously to my post but glitches wouldnt' allow me to submit. Funny, today feels exactly like my post from the 1st, and I've spent the morning in bed having decided everything is too hard.

Stormy chewed her entire nail off. She does this often. But she bled all over the blankets and they're too big for the washing machine, and I can't afford to go to the laundromat, so back to bed I went because life seemed too hard. Doesn't take much when everything already seems too difficult. Severely lacking resilience atm.

Hope you're all managing better.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy,

I had thought it was my pc but everyone seems to be getting glitches the last couple of days...

If bed seems the best place don't beat yourself up over it lass... you will get out of bed to feed Storm... she might even be able to nag you to go for a walk... Woofa has been using all the tricks in his book the last few days to try to get me out of bed during the day... it's ok to make yourself a cuppa or a simple easy meal & take it back to bed... it's going to be cold out your way the next few days so bed sounds like a snug place to be... give it a day or so & then work at getting up & dressed... even if at first you just end up on the couch... that would be a big enough achievement for a day or so... then slowly do little things... if you struggle to do it for you then do it for Stormy...

If you have a clothes line, some railing or even just some outdoor furniture... drape the blanket with the blood on it & let the rain do the washing for you... if you have stain remover give it a spray first if you feel up to it...

Woofa sends snuffles & I'm sending you a big comforting hug

Paws

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Thanks Paws

As well as offering practical suggestions, you always make it feel ok to be me. I got up at 5 yesterday and fed everyone, walked around the block, and went back to bed. So be it 🙂

Hugs x

[Guest_1643]

hi all -

how are u doing Katy? Did u manage with the blanket ?

That's a great practical suggestion Paw Prints, i love it! Letting the rain wash things on the line etc.

It's been raining all day today which was a little extra :(.... trying to getout and about. Hope u guys are staying warm.
Hope the uni work/preparations for the next stage of uni are going well Katy, you've got this! Ur doing amazing and chipping away it seems

Yay for us in Victoria, our lockdown looks set to end on time. Huge relief that cases have gone down and we can soon return to the shops and public spaces 🙂

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy, wave to Sleepy,

Katy one thing I'm learning over this journey with my mh is the more I beat myself up for doing/not doing stuff the worse my mental health gets... at times it is hard to remember this especially if I'm very low... but I try to remind myself (especially when my inner critic has a go at me) that I'm doing all I can in the here & now... & that I will try again when I can... I highlighted the try because that trying is something we can do... if we succeed great... if not we can try again & again.......

You did good yesterday... you fed the family & you got out in the fresh air for a bit...

Big hugs

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

Wow my computer is working for the second time tonight! Success!

Your day sounds perfect - bed, a walk, and bed again. Exactly what you should have done on a blah day.

I had a day like that recently - got up very late, made a thermos of coffee, drove Sam and me out to the countryside by the river, had a stroll, then sat in the car for warmth (it was cold) and had coffee while listening to Nirvana. Perfect when I was in an utterly yuk mood.

Fluffy hugs from us here. BTW we had sleet this afternoon and snow forecast tomorrow - three days ago I took two plastic bottles of water that had frozen solid inside the fridge out and sat them on a kitchen bench. Just to show how cold this fibro house is, three days later the ice inside the bottles has still only partly melted - the ice is still stuck inside the bottles. That's in the kitchen just across from my bedroom! Eeeeeek. It's 8pm and I think we are at minus several degrees here already. Brrrrrr.

Hoping you stay warmer than us here! oxoxoxox

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy, Paws, Hanna, everyone 🙂

Wind and rain here today. Housing has sent someone to clean the gutters - I feel a bit sorry for him. Hope he doesn't blow off the roof !

Funny little story - I went to the soup van last night. They park outside a church, and the local Scout group was meeting there last night. The kids came out and saw the van and thought it was an icecream van - oh dear! They were quickly disappointed haha. I wasn't though, very appreciative of hot soup and a nice fresh bread roll on a cold rainy night.

Paws - once again very sensible advice, thankyou. Trying is the important bit, that's exactly what my psych would say, so thankyou. Hope you're not too sore after your driveway adventure!

Hanna - the day you've described sounds really nourishing - good on you. Do you have a fave Nirvana song yet? I don't envy living in your ice box. Honestly, the government really should do better for people. I was thinking about how nice it would be in the little tiny houses. They have reverse cycle heating/cooling and given the size of them it wouldn't take much to get them to a cosy temperature. They're also insulated.

Sleepy - thanks for the encouragement with uni. I'm very good at forgetting/dismissing my achievements, so thankyou for the reminder that I'm doing ok. Chipping away is what I need to keep in mind. I keep having mini panic attacks when I think of what lies ahead this semester - full time prac plus writing a thesis (OMG!). But day at a time, minute at a time, focusing on whatever is right in front of me is all I need to focus on, right? mwah!

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs - sounds like you all need them with the cold over there - it's 19 here right now! Katy x

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

Wow my computer is working for a minute or two!!! The soup van sounds wonderful, I wish we had something like that here where there is a terrible homeless population. I'm having canned hot soup tonight with a bought chicken caesar wrap - I don't feel like cooking and the kitchen is so cold I can't bear to be in it! I can imagine the tiny houses at least would be warmer than this refrigerator I live in!

I think I most like Where Did You Sleep Last Night by Nirvana... but I enjoy a lot of them. My teacher keeps putting me onto more and more music - he's suggested The Beatles Rooftop gig on Utube - I had a quick look and it does look like a bit of fun!!!

Yes in cold windy rainy bleak weather I find a thermos of coffee and a sit in the car with the heater on and music playing is quite cosy... while looking out at the green hills, which were white yesterday and almost totally covered with snow, as was the house and my car!!! It was very pretty!

With Uni, yep just take it one bit at a time - whatever is the next thing in front of you - you know that little Michael Leunig poem about, just keep on going - take a little rest every now and then and just keep going - that's how you get there. It's actually been set to music, the choir in coastal town used to sing it!

I've also been checking out Soundgarden, and Courtney Love's own band Hole. Actually they're all not bad - also The Breeders, who are an all-woman band. Checking out all this music is keeping me busy!!

I hope you are feeling a tad better today. It was lonely for us here today, just me and Sam - spent hours talking with my music teacher yesterday while it snowed, so that was nice - but just cold and bleak today and the house is too cold to stay in during the day...

Sending pats to Stormy! oxoxxoxo

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hiya

I think you've mentioned before that feeling of loneliness after enjoying someone's company. I feel a bit lonely just now after meeting my (out of town) friend for coffee. Perhaps you feel that way too after enjoying the company of your music teacher yesterday?

My friend read her tarot cards for me today. I asked them about my love life and they didn't have anything good to say. Ho hum. I mean, realistically, it's not like I go anywhere to meet anyone, so I shouldn't be surprised really...

Check out Eddie Vedder's Into the Wild on youtube if you like. It's the soundtrack to the film of the same name - one of my and my son's favourites, but the album is really lovely and on high repeat here.

Well you have snow and we have t-shirt weather! I spent the morning reading, then got in the garden after lunch. We have gardeners here that look after the communal areas, but they're fairly useless, so I decided to tackle the large dead shrubs that they really should have removed. One was full of white ants and easily came out in one piece. The other I had to attack with the handsaw, and then use all my might to pull the root ball out. It finally came away quite satisfyingly but showered me with dirt which went in my mouth and through my hair, so that was funny!

Early bed I think. I feel like getting snuggly with miss Storm. Take care x

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

Yep I definitely go flat when I am alone after having company, so I think we are the same in that! The bleak weather here isn't helping my mood - day after day of cold, overcast, rainy, windy - it's hard to keep your spirits up - I don't mind cold and sunny or even snow, at least snow is pretty - but bleak is just bleak!

You're only in your forties I think - I remember that as a good age for meeting guys - maybe studying is making it more difficult - social work probably has fewer men studying it I guess - but heck girl, keep out at that beach there must be some talent there surely!!! It always happens when you least expect it remember..

Now the computer has finally installed updates after days of it, it actually seems to be working, fingers crossed!

We had lousy gardeners at coastal town too, they came around and literally ripped up every lovely flowering plant we had in the communal gardens and left it derelict. It was appalling. They said it was to stop hiding people using drugs but none of us were doing that, and the gardens, being sub-tropical, were so pretty, but they ruined them. Gotta love Housing.

Thanks for that tip I'll look up that music. I was interested in the all women rock bands my teacher put me onto like The Breeders and even Courteney Love - I have to admit she was good at what she did - and then married to Kurt Cobain of course,wow.

Hang in there kid, everything will turn out OK. I have yet another day of zero company except for little Sam and I worry about him he is so tired all the time... if only I had the money to get his teeth fixed... it's horrible being this poor when your pet is suffering...

I hope your day today is a good one. Hugs!